Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Your fake transcript for today

... because faking stuff is apparently in vogue these days.

And so we go to the hallowed halls of the National Football League -- paved with gold and inlaid with the scrambled wits of the concussed -- where Roger Goodell, the nation's other Glorious Leader, is faced with a disagreeable task: Having to attend the Super Bowl even though the New England Patriots are in it, with the prospect looming that he will be forced to hand the Lombardi Trophy to his nemesis Tom Brady.

(Also known, in New England, as the Horribly Persecuted Tom Brady. Also the Utterly Blameless Tom Brady. Also Saint Tom of Brady, Pure In Thought, Word And Deed.)

Anyway ... this can't be a good time in Roger the Hammer's life. He successfully managed to duck going to New England during the playoffs, but he can't duck the Super Bowl. Although he has apparently thought about it, according to this fake transcript of a fake conversation he had with his lieutenants Monday, fake-leaked to the media:

ROGER GOODELL: OK, guys. I've called you here today to come up with some ideas on how I can get out of going to the Super Bowl.

GUY NO. 1: Um ... sir, it's the Super Bowl. You're the commissioner of the NFL. I don't think you can get out of it.

GOODELL: Not helpful, Myron.

GUY NO. 1: It's Byron, sir.

GOODELL: Right. OK, anyone else?

(Silence from the other Guys)

GOODELL: Come on! Speak up! Anyone!

GUY NO. 2: Um, sir ... Byron's right. It's the Super Bowl. You have to be there.

GUY NO. 3: I concur. You can't go to Atlanta this time. It would look weird.

(Goodell sighs. Looks crestfallen)

GOODELL: Can't I go to an NBA game? The Nets are home that day, I see.

GUYS 1,2,3 (in unison): No, sir.

GOODELL: How about a Rangers game? Are they home?

GUYS 1,2,3 (in unison): Sorry, sir. You can't.

(Goodell sighs again)      

GOODELL: Well, poop.

(Shakes his head)

Knew I shoulda hired that body double.

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