Wednesday, November 30, 2022

One for the team

Alrighty then, Netherlands. Bring your Hans Brinker asses over here and get you some.

We're feeling feisty, we Americans, because Our Boys beat Iran yesterday 1-0, and you should have seen how they did it. With guts. With style. With the most supreme of sacrifices.

Which is to say, Christian Pulisic scored in the 38th minute, splitting two defenders in the box to side-kick a header cross past the Iranian keeper. 

After which he crashed into said keeper, um, ballsack-first.

He left the game with what was called a pelvic contusion, the official medical term for getting kneed in the twigs and berries. It doesn't get much more sacrificial than that, boys and girls. Pulisic not only took one for the team, he took two for the team, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, after that the U.S. side played to protect the lead, which of course led to a number of narrow escapes in the last 20 minutes or so. The Blob does not understand this strategy, but the Blob makes no claim to any advanced knowledge of soccer/futbol. Perhaps this was USMNT coach Gregg Berhalter doing the prudent thing, the logical thing, the advanced-knowledge thing.

In any event, he made the right moves again, and now it's on to the round of 16 match with the Dutch on Saturday. The Blob lost track of Clockwork Orange about the time the late Johan Cruyff retired, and now Robin Van Persie and Arjan Robben have hung it up, too. So I got nothin' on the Hans Brinkers. 

But as far as I know, none of them took a nutshot to advance his team to the knockout rounds, so the U.S. has that going for it. Latest word from Pulisic is he says he'll be ready on Saturday, don't you doubt it.

Wouldn't wanna be you, Netherlands.

Tuesday, November 29, 2022

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 12

 And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the perpetually irritating Blob feature of which critics have said "Damn, it's so irritating!", and also "Gaaah! I can't stop ITCHING!":

1. "Yay! The Steelers AND the Colts on Monday Night Football ..." (America)

2. "... sucks just as hard as we thought it would!" (Also America)

3. "Is this game ever gonna START?" (America at halftime)

4. "Whatta you mean? Matt Ryan already has a Matt Ryan hat trick -- a fumble, an interception and a sack!" (Colts fans)

5. Meanwhile, in New York, the Chicago Bears lose 31-10 to the awful Jets as a beat-up Justin Fields doesn't play.

6. Instead, a less beat-up Trevor Siemian plays after the Bears initially consider playing backup-backup QB Nathan Peterman.

7. "What? Nathan Peterman's still in the league??" (America)

8. "YES I'M STILL HERE BITCHES! DEAL WITH IT!" (Nathan Peterman)

9. Back in Indy, it's now Tuesday morning.

10. And the Colts finally made a first down.

Monday, November 28, 2022

Boiler (going) up

 I don't know where the Purdue men's basketball team will be ranked when they roll out the new polls this week. But I doubt it will begin with a "2".

Unless it IS "2". Or perhaps even "1."

Doubt that will happen, because the Boilermakers, ranked 24th going into the Phil Knight Legacy tournament, aren't going to make that astounding a leap. You could argue they should, but the logistics of the polls don't allow for it.

What the Boilers did, see, was go out to Portland, Ore., and win the whole deal.

Along the way, they obliterated West Virginia by 12, No. 6 Gonzaga by 18 and No. 8 Duke by 19.

Which is to say, this is some team Matt Painter has put together, the earliness of the returns notwithstanding.

The two freshman guards (Braden Smith and Homestead grad Fletcher Loyer) have been better than perhaps even Painter could have dreamed. Smith, lightly recruited by everyone but Painter, has emerged as the spiritual descendant of Scott Skiles at the point, fierce and and fearless and with court sense beyond his years. And Loyer has shown signs he's going to spend the next four years knocking down open threes.

Throw in Brandon Newman and Caleb Furst and Ethan Morton and Mason Gillis, and you've got a team with balance and poise. And we haven't even mentioned 7-4 center Zach Edey, the Project That Walks Like A Man.

Who you can now call the best low-blocks big man in the nation without sounding like an utter homer.

All them were present and accounted for as Purdue punished all comers over the weekend, including their presumed betters. This does not mean the Boilers aren't going to lay an egg or two in the next months; the season is long, roadies in the Big Ten are notoriously brutal, and everyone has off nights in the December-January-February slog. But they're not going to lay as many as the prognosticators presumed.

And with Indiana riding high behind All-American Trace Jackson-Davis and its own pair of stickout freshmen (Malik Reneau and Jalen Hood-Schifino), the IU-Purdue rivalry seems about to become epic again.

Can't wait. 

(Update: Purdue didn’t land at 1 or 2. But the Boilers did jump from No. 24 to No. 5.)

News from steerage, or something

 So, remember a couple of years ago, when a seriously pissed Oregon player tweeted photos of the amenities (air quotes) provided for teams in the women's basketball Final Four?

Remember the one rack of dumbbells and yoga mats that were their weight room facilities? Remember the pre-packaged seventh-grade-cafeteria meals one player accurately called "like nice jail food"? 

Remember how they weren't even allowed official swag that said the Big Dance or March Madness, because only the men's tournament was allowed to use that branding?

Provoked a lot of outrage, all of that did -- including here on the Blob. Revealed for all time that the NCAA's primary function is to generate revenue, and the women's tournament doesn't generate nearly as much revenue as the men's, so ...

You could almost hear it, couldn't you?

Sorry, girls, you'll have to bunk down in steerage. Oh, and if we hit an iceberg and sink we'll lock these gates and keep you down there, because the lifeboats are ONLY FOR THE MEN.

Remember all that?

The NCAA doesn't. Because over the weekend it happened again, this time out in Las Vegas. 

What happened was a bunch of good Power 5 women's teams (including Indiana's excellent squad) went to play in the Las Vegas Invitational, only to find the organizers couldn't provide a few amenities that might have come in handy. Like, you know, an arena.

You could almost hear it, couldn't you?

Sorry, girls, we're hosting a tournament, but there's no place for you to play. So, here, you can play your games in this  hotel ballroom down in the basement. It's nice enough, right? Why, I bet the elementary schools you all went to didn't have anything NEARLY as nice!

Here's what the "venue" looked like. I'm serious, this was it.

Needless to say, this went over like a lead balloon. Among others, IU coach Teri Moren -- perhaps too diplomatically -- said the whole set up was "disappointing."

And here you're saying "But Mr. Blob, the NCAA wasn't in charge of this debacle. Why blame them?"

Because it's their product. The teams involved were operating under their sanction. Doesn't the organization stipulate minimum standards that must be met before an event can play host to NCAA athletic teams? Isn't there some sort of approval involved?

These are not rhetorical questions. I'm asking because I'm honestly wondering.

If the answers are all "yes," how could the NCAA have given the OK for this? And if the answers are "no," why is that? Is it because it's the women, so -- like the organizers of the Vegas tournament -- they just don't care?

Back in the early days of Title IX, the late Pat Summitt recalled, among her duties as Tennessee's head coach was driving the team van to and from away games and washing the players' uniforms. Well, thank God those days are gone.

Now they get to play games on makeshift courts in the basements of hotels. 

Progress!

Sunday, November 27, 2022

Today in prisoner-of-the-moment-ing

 USC handled Notre Dame 38-27 on the west coast last night, and Trojan quarterback Caleb Williams  threw in a Heisman pose for good measure/insult to injury. This is because Williams did a lot of Heisman things on the national stage last night, throwing for one score and rushing for three more and, yes, probably locking up the gnarled little stiff-arming trophy.

Strangely, there were no howls about this from Domer Nation, which did not bay loudly for Irish coach Marcus Freeman's head or scream that the entire Notre Dame program needed to be stripped down to the studs and rebuilt.

I say "strangely," because apparently this is what you do when you lose a big rivalry game in convincing fashion.

Best evidence for this happened earlier in the day, when Michigan blackjacked Ohio State with one cross-country touchdown after another, and the Wolverines nearly doubled up the Buckeyes in a battle of the unbeatens. In the end, UM left Columbus on the high side of a 45-23 lamination, and the "battle" more resembled the Little Bighorn than D-Day in Normandy.

Almost immediately, embarrassed Billy Buckeyes began calling for Ohio State coach Ryan Day's head. A few especially deranged folks insisted the program was rotten to the core and needed a complete do-over.

More rational souls pointed out the Buckeyes were 11-0 going into the game, and were simply the victim of a horrendous defensive scheme at the worst possible time. Recognizing that Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is a throwback who loves to ground-and-pound, the Buckeyes loaded the box and left their DBs to single Michigan's wideouts in man-to-man coverage.

It was a fatal undervaluing of UM's receivers, who ran like wild horses past those DBs. Cornelius Johnson caught touchdown passes of 69 and 75 yards from J.J. McCarthy, who likely couldn't believe what he was seeing. Colston Loveland caught another 45-yard bomb for a score. And when the Buckeyes bunched up even more to try to stop the Wolverines from grinding clock in the fourth quarter, Donovan Edwards exploited it with home-run  jaunts of 75 and 85 yards.

Edwards had barely completed his last overland haul when the hollering from the scarlet-and-gray faithful began.

Again, more rational souls pointed out this was one bad game, and perhaps not an indictment of the program altogether. Day, for instance, is now 45-5 in four seasons and 31-2 in the Big Ten. He'd won 23 straight conference games until Harbaugh beat him last year. And he's now 15-5 against ranked teams.

The problem, of course, is the two Big Ten losses have both come against Michigan. This is THE unforgivable sin in Columbus, especially considering Day's predecessor, Urban Meyer, never lost to Michigan. Day, on the other hand, has never gotten his ass kicked by Iowa or Purdue, as Meyer did. 

But Meyer won a national title and always beat Harbaugh, so he's worthy of statuary. Day, on the other hand, is worthy of a pink slip and a plane ticket out of town.

From that, you can be tempted to believe Ohio State fans wouldn't care if their Buckeyes went 7-5 every year as long as they beat Michigan. This is an exaggeration, of course, but it's probably not much of one.

In any event, yesterday there was a whole lot of hair-pulling and prisoner-of-the-moment-ing, which those of us not wearing scarlet-and-gray found amusing at the very least. You wanted to tell them the sky really wasn't falling and they needed to pump the brakes, but that of course would have fallen on deaf ears.

After all, Michigan didn't pump the brakes once all day. Why would you expect Billy Buckeye to?

A Bucket of history

 They could have Purdue-ed it up. Let's begin there today.

 Let's start with the acknowledgement that yesterday was all set up for the Boilermakers to drop history spang on their foot, because (take it from a guy who grew up in a Boiler household) that would have been so Purdue of them. As soon as Nebraska whipped Iowa, you could almost see it happening: The Boilers coming to Bloomington needing only a win against sadsack Indiana to reach the Big Ten championship game for the first time, and the Hoosiers kicking their bitter rivals in the cherries to ruin it all.

But you know what?

That didn't happen.

Know what else?

It didn't happen because Purdue is just that good.

At 8-4, the Boilers are what their record says they are, which is a solid football team that wasn't going to let history slip away. Oh, they futzed around for a half and trailed 7-3 at the break (uh-oh!), but then they rolled in the second half, outscoring the Hoosiers 24-3 until Indiana scored a garbage-time TD on the last play of the game. 

So, 30-16 at the end, and if you're an IU fan you can indulge in your what-ifs. Like, what if quarterback Dexter Williams, who beat Michigan State on the road last week and was giving Purdue fits early, hadn't gone down with a knee injury?

Well ... then it would have been a 30-20 final. Or 30-24, to be generous.

Bottom line, Purdue was Purdue and Indiana was Indiana, and that was that. Jaylin Lucas ripped off a 71-yard touchdown to put Indiana up early, but after that he gained 29 yards on eight carries -- a mirror held up to Indiana in general, because the Hoosiers went almost as quietly once Williams went down.

Purdue, meanwhile, got 290 yards and two touchdowns from Aidan O'Connell, and breakout freshman Devin Mockobee ran for 99 yards and another score, and most of that that happened in the second half. And the Boilers had both the Bucket and a bucket of history as the Big Ten West champs.

Next Saturday, they'll be in Lucas Oil Stadium, playing for the conference title.

On the opposite sideline will be unbeaten Michigan, which embarrassed Ohio State in the Horseshoe in what the Wolverines and Buckeyes like to call The Game, but which turned out to be The Beatdown instead.

Just about everyone thinks next Saturday will be Beatdown Two. But maybe not.

Because in a season where Purdue didn't Purdue it up, who knows?

Saturday, November 26, 2022

Losers! Again!

 In London, they were throwing beer around and cursing, because they knew what this was. Those damned colonials had beaten the Empire again. They were losers, again.

And, OK, so in reality it was a nil-nil draw in the World Cup, but nil-nil felt like win-win for an American side that is achingly young, and was expected to roll over and show its belly to mighty England. Only soreheads like me grumbled that once the hour got late the U.S. played wuss soccer, simply trying to possess the ball instead of attacking the English goal to get the "W."

Playing not to lose is no fun, the soreheads said. And it's been known to backfire.

But this time it was the right play, and the Americans exited with a point no one believed was possible. So call it a win for U-S-A!, U-S-A! Those disgruntled Brits wasting beer across the pond certainly will.

England is, after all, one of the finest sides in the world, dropping a six-pack on Iran in a 6-2 blowout (Adjusted NFL Score: 59-7) in its World Cup opener. But U.S. coach Gregg Berhalter put together a crafty, irritating defensive strategy, and the Brits didn't drink a drop against. Came close a couple of times, but couldn't cash.

And now?

Now the U.S. men, who weren't good enough even to make the show in 2018, need only beat Iran on Tuesday to advance to the knockout round. 

Iran! And how sweet would that be?

The Islamic Republic already has its hands full trying to suppress a revolt among Iranian women who are fed up with being treated like dirt. But then to lose to the American infidels ...

Yes, sir. That would be one bad week indeed. 

Heh.

Time warped

 By now you may have seen the photo, which comes to us from a time forever stained with  shame. It's 1957 in Little Rock, Ark.; the good old boys are out in force, and the news cameras, too, because it's the day six black students are supposed to desegregate North Little Rock High School.

Two of them are in the photo, surrounded by the good old boys and the cameras. In the front row, two of the GOBs stand out; one, a cigarette dangling from the left side of his mouth, glares at one of the black kids with a try-me look on his face. Next to him another is laughing and taunting. You can almost hear him saying "Where you think you're goin', (n-word)?"

And then there's the boy at the back of mob, behind the cameras, clearly younger than the others. He's not doing or saying anything. He's just watching the whole deal, rubbernecking, a look on his face that at worst can be described as curious.

That boy owns the Dallas Cowboys now.

Jerry Jones was just a 15-year-old boy then; he's an 80-year-old mega-mogul now. He's not a racist, by any reasonable assessment. He's just an old man who owns the most saleable product in the National Football League, mostly with little noticeable success outside the financial ledger.

Now he's being compelled to apologize for a 65-year-old photo that hit the interwhatsis the other day and got a bunch of folks riled up, as the interwhatsis tends do with matters both great and small.

Color this one small. As in "microscopic."

The Blob holds no brief for Jerry Jones and never has, but to call him to account for getting caught up in an eddy of history 65 years ago is patently absurd. He was a white teenager who grew up in the South in the 1950s. It's therefore hardly shocking that he was watching black kids get harassed. Hell, given the place and times, it showed admirable restraint that he didn't get in on the "fun."

But he didn't. He wasn't the guy with the cig in his lip. He wasn't the guy next to that guy. He didn't bully anyone that day, or on any other day to the best of my knowledge.

Which still hasn't stopped some folks from wondering why he hasn't apologized yet.

The Blob's response to that is this: For what, exactly?

Just for being there? For being alive in Little Rock, Ark. in the 1950s? Or for not suddenly jumping in a time machine, traveling to 2022 to borrow some of its sensibilities, and then traveling back to 1957 to step in and stop the bullying?

Patently absurd, as noted.  

Look. Sixty-five years is a long damn time, and people change. Jerry Jones surely has. I suspect he's no more what he was in 1957 than he is a Rottweiler. Even George Wallace, America's pre-eminent race baiter, eventually repented in the fullness of time. By the time he died, he was a far different person than when he was running for president in the 1960s on the tried-and-true White Resentment platform.

So, no. The photo circulating on the interwhatsis is just a moment from a dark time when America betrayed itself. It's not an indictment of an 80-year-old football team owner, but a time warp that's now being time warped by people who should know better.

Or so it says here.

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

Thanks, and stuff

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, aka Turkeycide Day, aka When Do We Eat Day. So I guess this is the part where the Blob gives thanks for various and sundry blessings, like pie and deliciously beheaded turkeys and pie, and also pie.

This being mostly a Sportsball Blob (except when it's not), let us commence with the (mostly) Sportsball Stuff For Which We Are Thankful:

* We are thankful for Indianapolis Colts head coach Jeff Saturday, because without him we might never have realized playing armchair quarterback every Sunday could actually lead to a lucrative turn as an NFL head coach. Or at the very least an offensive coordinator.

* Which is why we're also thankful for Patriots OC Matt Patricia, because, my God, if THAT guy can be an offensive coordinator ...

* We are thankful for Kyrie Irving, because without Krazy Kyrie we never would have known the earth was flat, or about the Secret Jewish Cabal That Rules The World, or about the evil Dr. Fauci and his plot to kill all of us with the Covid vaccine -- which is why Kyrie ain't gettin' that shot, uh-uh, no way.

* We are thankful for the New York Jets, because, in a world gone mad, we can still count on them to lose to the Patriots every year, all the time.

* We are thankful for FIFA, because, in a world gone mad, we can still count on international soccer's ruling body to be corrupt and tone-deaf every four years, all the time.

* We are also thankful for, among others, the German starting side, who all pointedly put their hands over their mouths during introductions today because FIFA has threatened any World Cup player with a yellow card if he shows up wearing a rainbow One Love armband -- which promotes diversity and, you know, love, two concepts that apparently deeply offend the host Qatari government.

* We are thankful, finally, for all the MAGA election-fraud hucksters, and “cancel culture” "victims," and Critical Race Theory/pronoun/fetanyl-is-in-my-kid's-Halloween-candy hysterics. And all other inhabitants of rubber-room rabbit holes. 

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You've provided us a valuable baseline for crazy, and for that we are grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving, Blobophiles!

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Your World Cup update

 When last we left the World Cup in Qatar, the host country was going back on its word by banning beer sales outside the stadium, the head of FIFA was engaging in epic whataboutism to defend Qatar's hideous human rights record, and journalists were already being hassled for doing their jobs.

But, hey, we got futbol!

And so on to England 6, Iran 2, which was about what everyone expected. And then the U.S. men's team doing what it does, which is blow a dominant performance by fouling Gareth Bale in the penalty area and giving up the free-kick goal for a 1-1 draw with Wales.

Later, Saudi Arabia shocked Lionel Messi and Argentina 2-1. Grief-stricken Argentines called in sick to work so they could overturn cars and set them on fire.

OK. So that didn't happen.

As far as I know.

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 11

 And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the We (Heart) New York Blob feature of which critics have said "Does this mean we get to fold a slice and visit the Statue of Liberty?", and also, "Please tell me this doesn't mean an entire post about the cruddy Giants and Jets!":

1. "Yes! An entire post about the cruddy Giants and Jets!" (The Management)

2. "Hey, we're not cruddy! We're heartbreaking and soul-crushing! Get it right!" (The Giants and Jets)

3. "We lost to the Patriots for the 14th straight time on an 84-yard punt return with five seconds left!' (The Jets)

4. "We lost to the Lions! At home!" (The Giants)

5. "Our offense was so putrid we only made six first downs and gained 103 yards! For a whole game!" (The Jets)

6. "Our star running back, Saquon Barkley, only ran for 22 yards on 15 carries! Against the Lions!" (The Giants)

7. "Our quarterback, Zach Wilson, was 9-of-22 for 77 yards! And then said he didn't feel like he let down the Jets defense!" (The Jets)

8. "We lost to Jared Goff!" (The Giants)

9. "We lost to Mac Jones!" (The Jets)

10. "We were 8-1 and the Cowboys beat us 40-3! It was so bad the network dumped the game in the THIRD QUARTER!" (The Vikings, in a guest appearance)

Monday, November 21, 2022

Half full/empty

 The Indianapolis Colts did not beat the Philadelphia Eagles in Lucas Oil yesterday, but they didn't get beat 42-17, either, and so the jury on Jeff Saturday did not so much remain out as it returned two verdicts.

Verdict No. 1: See, a guy you basically pulled off the street can be an effective NFL coach, 'cause he almost beat one of the best teams in the league.

Verdict No. 2: See, you blew a 10-point lead at home in the fourth quarter because you basically pulled a guy off the street to be an NFL coach.

The glass is half full. The glass is half empty. The glass is full/empty.

It's half full because the Colts built their 13-3 lead on solid defense that forced a couple of turnovers and an offense that threw a lot of Jonathan Taylor at the Eagles and, for the second straight week, didn't try to do what it couldn't.

It's half empty because they also missed a field goal and lost a fumble on consecutive possessions in the fourth quarter, and pitched up on the rocks at their own 40 after the Eagles took a 17-16 lead with 1:20 to play.

Matt Ryan immediately went to Parris Campbell for 14 yards to the Colts 39.

Then it went this way: Pass for one yard, incomplete pass, sack.

It was the Eagles fourth sack of the day, which does not speak well for the Colts embattled O-line but wasn't like, nine or 10 sacks, either.

And honestly, I don't know what any of that has to do with Jeff Saturday's experience of lack of same. I suspect very little. In fact I think the fact the Colts were up 10 on a 9-1 team with a quarter to play says a lot more about what Saturday has brought to the table in Indy than it does about what he hasn't.

So I guess I'm a half full guy.

But, damn. That half empty part.

Sunday, November 20, 2022

Absent with leave (of sense)

 College athletics was missing two scheduled games Saturday, but not for any reason they should have been. Violent death is no travel/weather/flu outbreak issue, after all.

In Charlottesville, Va., instead of playing football, University of Virginia players got up and talked about three of their teammates, shot to death by another student (and former walk-on) on a charter bus at the end of a field trip. Their names were Devin Chandler, Lavel Davis Jr. and D'Sean Perry, and one by one their teammates -- friends -- stood at a podium in front of their photos and talked about their smiles and their laughter and this one time when they said or did something really funny.

It was touching and poignant and there was this awful sadness beneath it all, because this is not where they all should have been on a Saturday afternoon in November. And every one of them knew it.

Clear across the country, meanwhile, two teams of basketball players were not where they should have been, either.

New Mexico and New Mexico State were supposed to play one another at New Mexico, see, but hotheads with guns blew that up, too. In the skinny hours of Saturday morning, outside a residence hall on the New Mexico campus, there was some sort of altercation, and then the guns came out, and, well, you know the rest.

One kid wound up dead. Another, believed to be a New Mexico State player, wound up in the hospital. And the beat goes on, and the beat goes on in a nation too in love with calibration.

I don't know much, but I do know in-state rivalries are supposed to be measured by shots made and rebounds collected, not by gunfire in the depths of the night. They were expecting a big crowd for the game last night, because it's New Mexico-New Mexico State and loyalties are loyalties. But The Pit in Albuquerque sat empty last night, with only echoes and what should have been in attendance.

Two campuses. Two games unplayed. Two absences with leave, you might say, of any sort of sense.

And sadness, of course. Always, and unavoidably, the sadness.

Saturday, November 19, 2022

Today in teetotaling

 Sometimes when the words "National Football League" pop into my head, I see the stern gaze of some 19th-century Yankee preacher, frosty-eyed and disapproving, looking as if he's thisclose to condemning his flock to the eternal fires for skipping on the way to Sunday school.

"You are so weird," you're saying now.

Wouldn't think of denying it.

But weird or not, this is the image that came to me when I read about the Washington Commanders disciplining a few of their players the other day before the NFL could jump in and do it for them. The players offense?

Having a few beers on the plane ride home from Philadelphia.

Where the Commanders had just knocked off the previously unbeaten Eagles Thursday night, an occasion certainly worthy of a little joyful lubrication. Apparently, however, it's against league rules to drink on team planes. Or on team buses, for that matter. Or in team locker rooms, offices and practice facilities.

Violations, commissioner Roger Goodell reminded everyone in a memo yesterday, would result in "significant discipline."

Me?

I think Roger would have made a hell of a teetotaler. And that he and Carrie Nation -- both dressed in servere-est black, and with Carrie raising her famous ax -- would have made a great NFL publicity still.

This is not to be flippant, understand, even if it sounds like it. I get that when alcohol and football players collide, events frequently turn gruesome and tragic. And I get that there are liability issues for both the ballclubs and the league itself because of that.

But a few beers on the ride home after a big win?

Come on, Rog. Loosen the tie and unbutton the top button, dude. 

And, OK, maybe ridicule wouldn't come this easily if it weren't the Commanders we're talking about, miscreants and sickos that they are. I mean, seriously, all the heinous business they've been involved in during Daniel Snyder' misbegotten reign? And you're punishing your players for hoisting a few cold ones?

You can almost hear it: Sorry, boys, we gotta punish you. Sexually harassing female employees and pimping out our team cheerleaders may be business as usual for our ballclub, but a couple of beers on the team plane? How dare you!

Ay-yi-yi. And you know the worst part?

The worst part is one detail from the ESPN story about this: That video showed Washington quarterback Taylor Heinicke "holding Busch Light beer."

Busch Light??

Good God, man. He shoulda been tossed out of the plane for that.

Team of ...

 Note to self, on the morning after: Don't say the D-word. Don't say the D-word. Don't say the D-word ...

But out there northwest of town on a frigid, snow-flying Friday night, something was happening. The sophomore who replaced Owen Scheele at quarterback threw a 69-yard pass to the 1-yard line on the first play of the game. Braden Steely ran like a man possessed by, again, something. The defense defensed its heart out. And Cooper Rudolph recovered the onside kick that ended it.

So here was Carroll High School beating the No. 1 team in the state, Hamilton Southeastern, and the D-word is fighting to get out of my throat. Carroll had never won a regional, let alone a semistate, until now. The Chargers had never played in a state championship game, until now. But they are headed to Lucas Oil Stadium next weekend to face Center Grove in the 6A title game, and they are going there undefeated.

Their record?

13-0.

13 was Owen Scheele's number.

13 is on the blue jersey the team captains have been taking out to the coin toss with them for 13 weeks now, because Owen Scheele was also a team captain.

The heir apparent at quarterback for Carroll, he died in June, and we all know the story. How he was beloved by his coaches and teammates. How he took sick, suddenly. How it was diagnosed as chronic myeloid leukemia, and how he was airlifted to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis, and how he died there on a Tuesday afternoon, just four days after he first went to the hospital in Fort Wayne.

It was the sort of tragedy that spreads out and out in concentric circles, from school to community to city to everywhere in the state, eventually. On Friday night, even the Hamilton Southeastern fans showed up with a #OwenStrong banner. 

At Carroll, he became the angel on the Chargers shoulders, a still-felt presence. Teenage boys not usually given to such things talked earnestly about how Owen spoke to them on the field. Jimmy Sullivan, the sophomore next man up at quarterback, became a star, making first-team all-conference. Carroll won and won and won again.

And now the D-word is unstoppable. Now that threadbare old phrase -- team of destiny -- must be spoken.

There is no such thing, of course.

Teams of destiny sometimes win, but they probably more often lose.

It's why hackneyed old scribes like the Blob think the team-of-destiny thing is bunkum. It's why we don't believe in miracles, only better blocking, tackling and execution. It's why as much as the Blob acknowledges football is driven by passion and unity and plain old garden variety emotion -- all the things driving Carroll right now -- it thinks it's as likely Center Grove wins next weekend as the Chargers.

I hope like hell that doesn't happen.

I hope the Chargers win, and they drape that 13 jersey over the state championship trophy, and they raise it toward heaven.

Where I hope Owen Scheele will be laughing at me.

Friday, November 18, 2022

(S)no(w) go

 Well, isn't this is a setback for Man Football. The Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns are not going to play in Buffalo after all Sunday, on account of Buffalo is supposed to get a lil' snow this weekend.

"For cryin' out loud!" Vince Lombardi just spluttered from the Great Lambeau In The Sky.

"Well, I never!" cries Ernie Nevers, who played for a team called the Eskimos in DULUTH FREAKING MINNESOTA.

"Pantywaists!" snarls Sam Huff, Bronko Nagurski, all those old rub-some-dirt-on-it tough guys.

And, OK, I guess this is the part where the Blob admits to a slight exaggeration.

Buffalo isn't supposed to get a "lil' snow" this weekend. It's supposed to get between, um, two and four feet of snow.

This perhaps explains why they're moving the game to Detroit, but it doesn't explain it to the Blob's satisfaction. The Blob is a firm believer that the elements were always intended to be an integral part of football. If it rains, you wallow around in the mud until no one can tell which team is which. If it's 10 below zero and the windchill is I Can't Feel My Feet, you throw on a couple extra sweatshirts. And if it snows ...

Well. You shovel off the field and you get after it.

"But Mr. Blob," you're saying now. "Two to four feet of snow ..."

Granted, that's excessive. It would turn the game into Dogsled Left and Dogsled Right. Throwing the ball would be next to impossible. But you know what?

It would be damn glorious.

Think about the all the most memorable games in the history of football, and they all involve extreme weather. The Ice Bowl in Green Bay, Packers vs. Cowboys. The even icier Ice Bowl in Cincinnati, Bengals vs. Chargers.  The Fog Bowl in Chicago... The game Michigan and Ohio State played in a full-on blizzard in 1950 ... that epic 1960s Thanksgiving Day game in a lasagna of Detroit mud ...

Football in two to four feet of snow?

Bring it on, baby.

Alas, it's not going to happen. For any number of completely rational yet boring reasons. 

Safety concerns for the fans, especially getting to and from the game. (Once there, they wouldn't care. This is Buffalo, after all.) Safety concerns for the players, expensive assets all. Liability issues out the wazoo.

Rational. Boring.

So, off to Detroit they'll go. And maybe that wouldn't set off so much geezer grumbling if it were somewhere else, because Ford Field is an indoor stadium and that violates EVERY rule of football ever established anywhere.

Indoor football isn't football, see. It's PlayStation 5.

It's a video game that deprives us of one of football's true joys, which is watching multi-millionaires suffer like Antarctic explorers. I want to see Josh Allen press onward like Roald Amundsen. I want to see Nick Chubb break trail like it's the Iditarod. I want the Bills and Browns to find the remains of Ernest Shackleton buried in the snow somewhere in Orchard Park.

I want Man Football.

Instead, we'll get (s)no(w) go, and not "snow, go." 

Zzzzzz.

Wednesday, November 16, 2022

Location, location, location

 So we're a week out now from the start of the World Cup, and I am getting ready by watching a man do wondrous things with his feet. He's from Croatia, and his name is Luka Modric, and GOOD GOD DID YOU SEE THAT??

Sorry. I'm watching this highlight tape, and Luka Modric just made a touch pass that OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT THROUGH BALL!!

Can't wait to see Luka Modric perform this abracadabra in real time, all these deft touches and thread-the-needle passes and no-look heel balls that seem guided by lasers. Can't wait to see if Modric can help duplicate Croatia's fairy-tale run in 2018, when the Checkered Shirts reached the World Cup final before losing to France.

What I could have waited to see, forever and ever, is all of this unfolding in a hellhole like Qatar.

OK, so it's not a hellhole; it's actually a sparkling air-conditioned nation built with oil money, large sums of which it threw at FIFA to get the 2022 World Cup to begin with. It's only a hellhole if you happen to be a woman or gay or the all-but-slave labor that built the venues in the searing desert heat.

They died like flies, if you must know. 

According to the BBC, more than 6,000 workers from Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal and Sri Lanka have died in the decade since Qatar bribed its way to the World Cup bid. Qatar, of course, says that's ridiculous, claiming only 37 workers died during construction of the facilities, and only three were work-related.

Some of the deaths, it claims, might have been from old age or other, ahem, "natural causes."

Nonetheless ...

What do they say in the real estate biz? Location, location, location?

Well, this location sucks. 

And so on to the World Cup, beautiful people, and here's hoping the ghosts of dead construction workers walk among you along the gleaming stadium concourses and opulent hotel corridors. Here's hoping they disturb the comfortable sleep of the organizers, coming to them gaunt and hollow-eyed like the risen Great War dead at the end of the silent French film classic "J'Accuse."

"Oh, please," you're saying now. "Don't be so melodramatic. You just sound silly. And besides, you'll be watching, too, you hypocrite."

You're right. I will be.

And that does make me a hypocrite.

Damn you, Qatar. Damn you.

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Life, death and promises

 Their names are Lavel Davis Jr., and Devin Chandler, and D'Sean Perry, and they are gone now. One was from South Carolina. One was from North Carolina. And one had come all the way north from Miami to Charlottesville, Va., just down the hill from a place called Monticello, which was Thomas Jefferson's home.

Like Lavel and Devin, D'Sean came to play football for the University of Virginia. 

Like Lavel and Devin, a Cavaliers coach sat in his living room and said, son, we think the world of you, and we'd really like you to come play for us. You'll love Charlottesville; it's a beautiful place. And they love their football. And on top of that, UVA is one of the finest universities in America, which means you'll also be getting a first-class education.

So D'Sean came north and Lavel and Devin came a little less farther north, and now they're gone. Shot to death by another student, allegedly, who also came to Virginia to play football but hadn't been on the team since 2018.

And now we say this: This is not supposed to happen. It's what we always say, right? Over and over and over again, as if we're desperately trying to convince ourselves.

This is not supposed to happen, and then it does, and when do we get to the place where we finally stop saying that? When does it happen often enough that we finally have to admit it's just who and what we are here in America the shooting gallery? And it's who and what we are because no one in a position to do something about it gives enough of a damn?

All I know is, three days ago Lavel and Devin and D'Sean were playing football for the University of Virginia, and now they never will again. Two days ago they got on a bus to go on a field trip to D.C., and now they never will again.

Getting to shot to death is not supposed to be part of the college experience. Getting shot to death while sitting on a charter bus after a field trip is not supposed to be part of the college experience. What parent turns their child over to that coach in the living room thinking that's even a remote possibility?

What coach thinks that?

And so I'm sitting here in the den shaking my head at our naivete, or maybe just at our stubborn faith in This Is Not Supposed To Happen. And I'm thinking of Virginia head coach Tony Elliott, and what he's got to be feeling right now, and if it's anything like that scene in "We Are Marshall" when the new head coach, Jack Lengyel, comes to visit former assistant coach Red Dawson after the plane crash that wiped out the entire football program.

Dawson tells him that his first year at Marshall, he sat in 20 living rooms, and talked to 20 mothers, and promised those 20 mothers that if their son came to Marshall, he'd look after them. And now they were all gone.

"So let me ask you, Jack," Dawson says in the movie. "How am I supposed to look a mother in the eye and promise her anything ever again?"

How indeed?

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 10

 And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the party-pooping Blob feature of which critics have said "What's that I smell in the midst of this lovely party?", and also "Ewww! Look who pooped right in the midst of this lovely party!":

1. "Ewww! Look who pooped right in the midst of our lovely undefeated season!" (Eagles fans, after the Iggles lost for the first time this season, at home, to the "meh" Washington Commanders)

2. "Heh." (Commanders quarterback Taylor Heinicke)

3. Hey, look, it's the Dallas Cowboys!

4. Mightiest team in all the land!

5. Best team in the entire history of the NF- HEY WAIT A MINUTE WE LOST TO THE PACKERS??

6. "Heh." (Aaron Rodgers)

7. "Heh." (The ghost of Vince Lombardi, who also said "Same old Cowboys. They never could beat us.")

8. Meanwhile, the Lions beat Bears ("What?"), the Panthers beat the Falcons ("Huh?"), and Germans turned out by the tens of thousands in Munich to watch the Buccaneers beat the Seahawks ("Oh, come on!")

9. "Hey, we love American football! Watching Tom Brady march his troops down the field reminds us of marching through Belgium in the Great War!" (Germany)

10. "Huh?" (Tom Brady)

Monday, November 14, 2022

A Saturday Sunday, Part Deux

So, give 'em their told-ya-so's, this happy Monday. Let 'em gloat. Let 'em thumb their noses at all of us who said the Indianapolis Colts were straight-up crazy, hiring a TV analyst as their head coach.

To that, allow Jeff Saturday (and Jim Irsay and Parks "The Play-Caller" Frazier and Matt Ryan and, oh, hell all of 'em) to say this: "Neener-neener-neener!"

Because, yeah, the Indianapolis Colts did that crazy thing, pulling Saturday out of an ESPN studio and making him their head coach without a lick of experience, and everyone said what a mockery it was -- including Bill Cowher, who stuck out his Gibraltar jaw and declared it "a travesty" right there on national TV.

And then ...

Well. And then, the Colts went out to Las Vegas and played like a real football team.

Parks the Play-Caller gave 'em an offense that made sense, with a drop-and-pop passing game that leaned heavily on the Colts best targets (Michael Pittman Jr. and Parris Campbell) and took pressure off the embattled O-line, and that gave the ball to Jonathan Taylor on the regular. 

Taylor ran for 147 yards and a 66-yard touchdown. Ryan had his best game as a Colt, going 21-of-28 for 222 yards and the winning touchdown to Campbell. Campbell and Pittman caught seven balls apiece, and the defense was solid again.

The Colts went right down the field and scored on their first possession, which never happens. They jumped out to a 10-0 lead. And they led at halftime for the first time in almost a year, after Saturday worked the clock like a vet at the end of the half, squeezing a field goal out of the last 58 seconds.

In the end, the Colts won 25-20, and you could say some stuff about that, if you were so inclined. You could say they were playing an awful Raiders team coached by a meathead, Josh McDaniels. You could say every team plays better in the immediate wake of a coaching change. You could say the real measure of Coach Saturday and this team will be next Sunday, when the unbeaten Eagles come to Indy.

All of that is true.

But for now?

Let 'em have their moment. And let us entertain the notion, however briefly, that maybe football isn't nuclear physics after all, but a game that's pretty elemental if you don't outthink yourself, and in which emotion outweighs all other factors. 

Oh, yeah. And Bill Cowher?

Neener-neener-neener, pal.

Sunday, November 13, 2022

A Saturday Sunday

Today is Jeff Saturday's first Sunday as an NFL head coach, or as any sort of NFL coach, or as any sort of coach, period, outside of a high school team in Georgia. 

But he was a hell of an analyst for ESPN, and everyone likes him, and he's really fired up and enthusiastic. So LET'S GO. Get them Raiders, boys!

Sorry. It's hard to keep Mr. Snarky in his box about this whole deal, which is bizarre beyond words even for Jim Irsay, and that's saying something. People already thought he was out there, but now they think he's, like, standing-on-Pluto out there. Because who fires his head coach and then brings in a TV guy with zero experience to coach the last eight games of the season?

"But look!" one imagines Irsay saying. "He's in our Ring of Honor and everything!"

Well, yes, he is, which means Irsay's going with a guy he knows and trusts, and if it's also an admission the season is lost, who cares? Irsay says the latter is assuredly not true, but of course  he's going to say that. Not even Irsay would be that bizarre.

Media: Jim, you benched your high-priced veteran quarterback for a kid who'd never taken a real NFL snap, fired your offensive coordinator and head coach, and now your interim head coach is a favorite son who's never coached anything but high school ball. Is this an admission the season is lost?

Irsay: What do you think, genius?

Uh ... no. Not gonna happen.

But on to today, when the Colts wander our to Vegas and Jeff Saturday does whatever he's going to do. Which is hard to say. I mean, he's just minding the store until the end of the season, so it's not like it really matters.

As things stand now, he's turned the offensive coordinator duties over to a 30-year-old named Parks Frazier, whose previous job was assistant quarterbacks coach. Sam Ehlinger will start at quarterback,* but apparently Matt Ryan and Nick Foles are back in play again three weeks after it was announced the job was Ehlinger's for the rest of the season. 

That means if he falters today ... well, who knows what that means. Maybe Ryan will replace him, at least until he gets sacked another eleventy-hundred times. Maybe Foles will get a shot. Maybe Jeff Saturday will insert himself into the game at center.

All we really know is the Colts still have a shot at the W today, because it's the Raiders and their head coach, Josh McDaniel, is busily Josh McDaniel-ing it up again in Vegas. A flop as a head coach in Denver, he's now got the Raiders, considered a coming power in the AFC, sitting at 2-6. 

So, yeah, maybe there's hope today. Or maybe not. Maybe next week Irsay fires GM Chris Ballard and brings in Peyton Manning to replace him (which could happen!). Maybe he fires himself as owner. 

In which case, ownership will pass to the late Johnny Unitas as payback for the way Irsay's dad screwed him over at the end of his career.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

(*Update: Sam Ehlinger did NOT start at quarterback after all, despite Saturday saying he would. Matt Ryan is back in the saddle. Stay tuned for further course changes.)

Friday, November 11, 2022

A day for salutes, and more

 In the den of our quiet home in a quiet part of the world, there's a certificate, framed, propped on one of the bookshelves in the den. I'm looking at it, this gray November morning. It isn't hard: I turn my head and there it is, about two feet to the left of where I sit writing this.

The certificate is from the local chapter of the Korean War Veterans Association, thanking me for a handful of columns I wrote 25 or so years ago about their efforts to get a Korean War memorial built. It's signed by the group's president, John Settle, a wonderful gentleman who was up on Chosin Reservoir when the Chinese came pouring across the Yalu in the icebox  winter of 1950.

Frozen Chosin, the survivors called it. John's souvenir was a nasty case of frostbite, of which he was reminded every time the weather turned frigid. The bottom of his feet would knot up in hard little balls. It didn't sound like three rings of fun for him.

I'm guessing John's probably gone now, as are a lot of those vets I got to know. It's been almost three decades, after all, and none of them were young then.

But I'm looking at the certificate they gave me and thinking about them because today is Veterans Day, and also Armistice Day. I think of it as the latter because I'm a history nerd, and World War I -- four years of pointless slaughter on an industrial scale -- has for some reason always held a particular fascination for me. So the moment the armistice ending it went into effect, at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, resonates.

In any event, on this day I always conflate remembrance of that war with saluting those who fought all our wars, or who wear or have worn the uniform. And I've taken to reposting something I wrote several years ago on this day, because it seems to sum it all up.

Here it is:

Every year on Veterans Day I go back there, in my mind. It's been 17 years now since I toured the American sector of the Western Front in France, but on this day it always feels like I can reach out and touch it. It feels as near as my next breath.

These days, in that place where American boys fought and died in the autumn of 1918, there are neat green cemeteries from the Argonne to Thiaucourt, row upon row of white crosses arrayed in the geometry of remembrance. And, amid fields of wheat and the crumbling remains of ancient pillboxes, there is an immense dome of gleaming white marble.

Built in 1931 atop an escarpment called Montsec, it commands what was the old St. Mihiel salient, and now is just quiet French farmland. But though it commemorates the first major American operation of the Great War, hardly any Americans ever visit, or perhaps know it exists.

I always wonder why that is so, when I think of that place on Veterans Day. And I always will.

It's an old bromide that we can never thank our veterans enough for their service, and yet somehow we always fall short. If we remember what they did for us in Normandy or Fallujah or on Iwo Jima or Okinawa, we just as readily forget sometimes what they did in Belleau Wood or Frozen Chosin or the killing fields of the Ia Drang Valley. And, more shamefully, we especially forget when they return home.

I met my share of veterans, in my four decades as a journalist. I met Korean veterans and Vietnam veterans and, once, 27 years ago in the living room of a modest home near Georgetown Square, a vet who survived both Tarawa and Okinawa in World War II. 

I also met a man who, when he was 23 years old, was shooting down Nazi jets over Europe in a P-51 Mustang. His name was Chuck Yeager, and perhaps you've heard about what he did later on, something involving the sound barrier. 

In all cases, they were men who'd seen and done things no human being should ever see or do, and they talked about those things only with the greatest reluctance. It was not that they didn't remember. It' was that they were unfailingly polite, and didn't wish to burden us with old fantastical tales. 

I guess it felt too much to them like bragging about things no one should ever brag about.

Everyone who has ever experienced war in closeup knows how true that is. They leave the bragging to fools and charlatans who, when it was their turn to serve, hid under their beds. One of them, a swaggering gasbag of no particular merit, once famously mocked a decorated Vietnam War POW for being captured. 

I won't think about him today. I'll think instead about the no-big-deal humility of Chuck Yeager, and the quiet dignity of the Korean War vets I met a quarter century ago, and of so many other men and women of so much more quality and consequence.

Thank you, gentlemen and ladies. Thank you for you service, and for your example.

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Misdirection follies

 Say this for the Washington Commanders, Daniel Snyder's fetid sinkhole of vindictiveness, incompetence and moral rot: They do have the misdirection thing down.

Better than Wonder Woman deflecting bullets with her bracelets, that's your Commanders and accountability. Muddy up the waters? Sure, they can do that, too.

Maybe you heard a few days back that the D.C. attorney general's office was looking into the Commanders' skeevy business practices. Well, yesterday, the AG for D.C., Karl Racine, announced there would be a "major announcement" concerning the Commanders this afternoon.

So how did the Commanders respond?

About how you'd expect.

A spokesman for the organization released a nasty statement blasting Racine's office for failing to do anything about D.C.'s violent crime rate. In doing so, it cited as evidence Commanders running back Brian Robinson, who was shot twice in the leg during a robbery attempt in August.

,"Less than three months ago, a 23-year-old running back was shot multiple times, in broad daylight," the Commanders statement said. "Despite the out of control violent crime in DC, today the Washington Commanders learned for the first time on Twitter the the D.C. Attorney General will be holding a press conference to 'make a major announcement' related to the organization ..."

OK, first off: D.C.'s violent crime rate doesn't have (bleep)-all to do with the investigation into the Commanders. They are two separate things. Implying D.C.'s crime rate means the AG shouldn't be bothering the Commanders is classic misdirection and a false flag. Just because the AG might have bigger fish to fry these days doesn't mean it should ignore all the other fish. 

And Robinson? 

Well, thankfully, his injuries were not life-or-career-threatening, and after surgery he played in a game six weeks later. But that didn't stop the Commanders from throwing him into the middle of its beef with the authorities -- and without his permission, of course.

That  bit of high-handedness drew a restrained but stinging rebuke from Robinson's agent, Ryan Williams.

"Although there are some great human beings in that building, whoever is hiding behind this statement is not one of them," Williams said.

No kidding.

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Betcha can't

We all love to make fun of California. As a friend of mine once observed, it's like the country's on a 30-degree tilt to the west, and all the loose nuts roll down and collect there.

A commie hellhole, the unhinged right calls it, throwing around a word they can rarely define. The land of wine spritzers, fern restaurants and the California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Why, you're not even allowed to pick on trans people there, for God's sake. 

And, as of this morning, blowing a pile on goofy college kids and feckless professionals is still limited.

Californians went to the polls Tuesday and overwhelmingly rejected a ballot initiative that would have greatly expanded sports betting in the state. The online gambling industry -- now a cozy bedfellow with the NBA, NFL and MLB -- went full monty on this, throwing wads of cash at California in support of the measure. Between that industry and Native American casino operators, $600 million went toward convincing Californians that, like 30 other states, it was time to climb aboard the sports betting train.

They might as well have taken all that cash to Malibu and thrown it in the ocean.

California said no to the madness, raising doubts about the loose nuts theory of state demographics. So, for now at least, you still can only legally bet in Cali at Native American casinos, horse tracks and card rooms, and in the state lottery.

I don't imagine that will last, given the enormous weight of the online gambling industry. I also don't imagine California, law or no law, can do much to stop the guy at the sports bar from placing bets on his phone.

I know a few guys who do that. They not only place wagers on the outcome of games, but on the outcome of specific possessions. There literally isn't any aspect so granular that you can't place a bet on it these days with some of these online sites.

I find that a trifle weird, to be honest. But, hey, whatever revs your engine.

I just don't get the thought process behind putting a wad on the nose of some 19-year-old with a bazooka arm or feathery jumper. I remember what I was like when I was 19, see. And I would sooner have Steve Buscemi-ed my dough in a wood chipper than bet it on what I would do next.

I also find it bizarre that Big Sportsball is now such an eager partner with DraftKings, FanDuel, BetMGM and all the other 21st-century Arnold Rothsteins they for decades regarded as evil incarnate. It's a scandal waiting to happen, and don't think it isn't.

But for now?

For now I'll just open this story here about Pete Rose.

Rose, of course, was banished to outer darkness by MLB for being a degenerate gambler who bet on his own team (and perhaps against it, who knows). But now comes this post from Sports Knightly Baseball: "Pete Rose will place the first bet at the new sportsbook at the Hard Rock Casino Cincinnati on Jan. 1, 2023."

Pro tip: Turns out you really CAN laugh out loud, roll your eyes and shake your head at the same time.

Tuesday, November 8, 2022

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 9*

(*In which the adaptable Blob feature, The NFL In So Many Words, will be devoted solely to the goings-on in Indy yesterday. And of which critics have said "Is Irsay crazy, er, crazi-er?" ... and also, "What a slap in the face to black coaches!" ... and also, "I once coached my kid's PAL football team. Does this mean I could be an NFL head coach, too?"):

1. "Is Irsay crazy, er, crazi-er?"

2. Maybe. Possibly. Fifty-fifty, shading toward sixty-forty. But firing Frank Reich yesterday -- which you, your neighbor down the street and everyone else in America knew was coming  -- and hiring Jeff Saturday, a trusted and revered ex-Colt, as an interim head coach (i.e.: placeholder)?

Probably not the standard by which to judge.

"Interim," after all, means "interim." It means, "I'm just keeping the seat warm for the real head coach, who will be named at some future time." 

It might also mean "We surrender with eight games to play," considering Saturday's utter lack of coaching experience above the high school level. Who knows?

3. "Are you suggesting the Colts are tanking the season?"

4. Maybe. Possibly. Fifty-fifty, shading toward sixty-forty.

5. "Might Irsay also have hired a trusted and revered ex-Colt as a fresh set of eyes to evaluate the talent on this roster?"

6. Maybe. Possibly. In which case, if I were GM Chris Ballard, I'd be thinking it might be time to start sending out resumes.

7. "What about that slap-in-the-face-to-black-coaches business? Isn't traveling several light years outside the box to hire some rando white guy pretty much the ultimate slap in the face?"

8. Maybe. Possibly. But if you're gonna to go there with this franchise, I'm just going to laugh at you. 

This is the franchise, remember, that hired the first black head coach ever to win a Super Bowl (Tony Dungy). It's the franchise that elevated another black coach (Jim Caldwell) to replace him.

Back-to-back black head coaches?

Tell me the last time any other NFL franchise had that.

Take your time. I'll wait.

9. "Could Jeff Saturday be exactly what this franchise needs? Could his inexperience actually be an advantage, as Irsay suggested yesterday? Are we completely nuts for even halfway buying that?"

10. Yes.

Monday, November 7, 2022

The Turk cometh?

 Sooo. Apparently offensive coordinator Marcus Brady was NOT the problem in Indianapolis.

And apparently Sam Ehlinger -- last seen fleeing the New England Patriots pass rush like a cartoon burglar -- did NOT inherit Tom Brady's sixth-round mojo.

Instead, he looked like what he is Sunday out there in Foxborough, and you were moved to pity for him. Bill Belichick vs. a callow young quarterback starting just his second NFL game was always going to be a gruesome mismatch, especially when the callow young quarterback was lining up behind the Seven Blocks of Grated Parmesan. And thus ...

And thus, a 26-3 loss in which the Indianapolis Colts squeezed out just eight first downs, went 0-for-14 on third down and 0-for-2 on fourth down, and huffed and puffed their way to a meager 121 yards of offense.

And thus, a 45.3 quarterback rating for poor Ehlinger, who was sacked nine times for both his own failings and those of his grossly overpriced offensive line.

Nine sacks. Reached in the hereafter, even the Visigoths were awed.

"Day-um!" they said.

And, OK, enough jokes, because this ceased to be funny awhile ago. It's never funny when an NFL team fires its head coach, and that sure looks like where we're headed in Indianapolis.

Frank Reich must surely sense this, because no one ever looked or sounded more like a dead man walking in the postgame. 

"I have to do a better job," he kept saying.

Also, "I need to do a better job getting guys ready to play."

Also, "(It) starts with me."

And ends, perhaps, sooner rather than later. Hard to say. This season has followed its own bizarre path so far, and at this point there's no reason to think it won't continue to do so.

All I know is I'm thinking of the Turk this morning, because that's what players back in the day used to call the underling who delivered bad news in training camp. You'd hear a knock on your door and there would be the Turk, delivering this chilling message: "Coach wants to see you and bring your playbook."

Which meant you'd been cut.

Frank Reich?

I don't know when the Turk cometh for him. But if you listen close, you might hear footsteps coming down the hall.

Timeout for trivia

 And, OK, so that's cruel.

That's a mean-girl joke at NASCAR's expense, because NASCAR isn't trivia. It's a Great Big Important American Motorsport -- or at least it used to be. 

Because let's be honest here, Blobophiles. If I asked you who won the NASCAR Cup championship yesterday, or asked if you even knew yesterday was Championship Sunday for the stock-car jockeys, how would you have answered?

"Of course I knew! It was at Phoenix, and Joey Logano locked up his second title with a dominating win, and it was the first time Roger Penske's drivers won the NASCAR title (Logano) and the IndyCar title (Will Power) in the same season."

Or ... 

"Wait, what? I thought NASCAR was over two months ago!"

I'm guessing for most of you, it was door No. 2.

I say that as someone who covered motorsports for almost 40 years, including the first 20 Brickyard 400s, and while I could have told you yesterday was Championship Sunday, I couldn't have named the four drivers fighting it out for the title on a bet. Two of them I'd barely heard of.

For the record, the four were Logano, defending champion Chase Elliott, Ross Chastain and Christopher Bell.

Logano and Elliott I know. But Chastain? Bell?

The first I thought was one of those back-marker guys who fill out the field every week. The second I saw interviewed on TV yesterday during the pre-race coverage.

He looked like he was 12.

"Oh, Mr. Blob," you're saying now. "You're so old you list your occupation as 'artifact' on your tax return. Everyone looks like he's 12 to you."

True.

But, still. How far off the national radar has NASCAR fallen when even an old gearhead like me doesn't recognize half the top four drivers in the sport this season?

Sad days. Just sad.

Sunday, November 6, 2022

Houston, we have no problem

 The Houston Astros won the World Series last night in front of their home fans, and this time they apparently didn't cheat. So good on them. 

Seriously, though, the best team doesn't always win the World Series, but this time it did, and so we at least owe the 'Stros a nod for observing the proper protocol. As much fun as it would have been to see the scruffy Phillies beat them, it didn't happen, and thus an ordered universe was preserved.

The 106-win team whipped the 87-win team, the way it was supposed to. Oh, the Phillies had their moments -- even took a 2-games-to-1 lead in the Series after clubbing the Astros 7-0 in Game 3 -- but the Astros' combination of hard-boiled veterans (Jose Altuve, Alex Bregman et al), explosive kids (Yordan Alvarez and Series MVP Jeremy Pena, both 25) and dominant pitching won the day.

The Astros rolled through the American League playoffs without a loss, then won three straight to wrap up the Series in six games. After the Game 3 loss, they all but put a padlock on the muscle-y Philly batrack, no-hitting the Phils in Game 4 and allowing just three runs and nine hits in the last three games.

It doesn't get much more definitive than that.

The Astros were just better. Than everyone.

Oops Saturday

 So what do we call this, now that Dabo Swinney has taken his Clemsons back to South Carolina in sandwich bags? Now that Rocky Top has become a Cropped Top?

I guess "Why Am I So Cold All Of A Sudden? Because I'm Exposed!" Saturday might work.

Also, "Arrested For Fraud" Saturday.

Or maybe just plain old "Oops!" Saturday.

In any case, that was some revealing stuff that went down in South Bend and Athens, Ga., yesterday, when one team everyone suspected was suspect and another everyone figured was legit got their keisters handed to them. (And, yes, Brian Kelly beat Nick Saban two months after sending his first LSU team onto the field. But 'Bama had already been exposed as Not-Quite-'Bama, so Karpetbagger Kelly's big W doesn't quite make this list.)

Tennessee and Clemson, however ...

Oh, you bet.

Tennessee swaggered into Athens unbeaten and ranked No. 1, and then No. 3 Georgia said "Hold my beer." The Bulldogs bully-ragged the nation's top-scoring team like it was Directional Hyphen Tech State, shutting down the Volunteers fleet receivers and reducing marquee quarterback Hendon Hooker to utter helplessness.

The Vols, who came in averaging almost 50 points per, squeezed out just a couple of puny field goals until garbage time, when they finally cracked the end zone to make the final score 27-13. By then the real No. 1 had unmasked the imposter, it was raining cats and Dawgs in Sanford Stadium, and the home crowd didn't care because it was already well into the Mass Libation portion of the evening.

A few hours later and several hundred miles north, it was Clemson's turn to display the Emperor's new clothes.

All dressed up as No. 4 in the first College Football Playoff poll, the Clemsons marched into Notre Dame Stadium, only to hear Marcus Freeman's unranked Irish exclaim "Hey, look! They're naked!" 

The final was 35-14, Notre Dame, and the Irish didn't do anything special to get there. They blocked a punt to set up one touchdown, got a 96-yard pick six from freshman Benjamin Morrison for another, and the rest of the time just lined up and threw their three-headed running back creature at one of the nation's top rushing defenses, daring it to stop them. 

It couldn't.

Instead, Logan Diggs gashed Clemson for 114 yards, Audric Estime sliced through them for 104, and the Irish rolled. Clemson didn't score until there were 10 minutes to play, and the Irish responded by going through the Tigers like a turnstile, grinding six minutes off the clock on an 11-play drive that ended with Drew Pyne's touchdown pass to Michael Mayer.

Ballgame. And one of those Notre Dame Moment deals for Freeman, who started 0-2 but has now beaten two ranked teams in a row. 

Pretty sure the Irish themselves will be ranked this week.

Pretty sure the CFP's gonna look a whole lot different, too.

Saturday, November 5, 2022

Chaos, we love thee

 Something there is that doesn't love order, as Robert Frost almost wrote. Why content oneself with peace and harmony, after all, when oneself can repeatedly punch oneself in the face?

The answer might be found in Brooklyn, where a tree doesn't grow that the Brooklyn Nets wouldn't immediately chop down. Chaos is their meat and drink these days, or seems to be. And, yes, punching oneself in the face feels precisely as good as you imagine.

Let's review, shall we?

* Last week, seven games into the season, the Nets fired coach Steve Nash. This raises the excellent question of why they didn't just fire him in the offseason if they were going to fire him. I mean, if you pull the trigger seven games into an 82-game season, it seems obvious he was already a dead man walking, right? 

More on this later.

* No sooner had Nash happened, than Kyrie Irving did his deal. OK, so his latest deal.

The Nets star guard and resident wackadoodle put up on his social media account a link to a virulently antisemitic book and accompanying film, then tried to argue he didn't have nothin' against them Jewish folk. Pressured for a public apology, he immediately doubled down by taking responsibility for what he did but not acknowledging that it was stupid and, yeah, kinda Nazi-ish.

At which time the Nets did or said nothing to repudiate him for an uncomfortable period of time -- although, to be fair, neither did the league itself. Finally the team announced it was suspending him for at least five games, after which Irving issued an apology that we can all be sure was sincere and heartfelt.

(The most dismaying thing about all this, and more proof that half the country has gone insane, is there were folks on the interwhatsis leaping to Kyrie's defense. At least one folk  actually criticized his fellow NBA players for not backing his play -- as if he were some sort of noble free speech warrior and not, you know, just another garden-variety bigot.)

* And now, back to this coaching business.

Shortly after the Nets fired the guy they'd already decided to fire weeks earlier, reports surfaced they were pursuing Ime Udoka to replace him.  

You remember Udoka, right?

He's the guy who coached the Boston Celtics to the NBA Finals last spring, and whom the Celtics subsequently couldn't get rid of fast enough. It seems Udoka had been carrying on an improper relationship with a woman in the Celtics front office, and had been accused of sexually harassing others as well. So the Celtics suspended him for the season, with the tacit understanding they'd be more than happy if someone would take him off their hands.

"Me! Choose me!" the Nets said, presumably.

I guess two distractions aren't enough for them. Let's go for three!

Because if they hire Udoka, every question is going about what happened in Boston. Some of those questions will likely explore why they would suspend Sir Kooky for being antisemitic, and then turn around and throw money at an alleged sexual predator.  

There's no easy answer to this, of course. Oh, wait: There's one.

Fist, meet face.

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Kinda-sorta history

 If you watched Game 4 of the World Series last night, you saw one thing you hadn't seen in a good while, and another thing you'd never seen. Both were the same thing.

The Houston Astros, see, no-hit the Philadelphia Phillies, 5-0.

It was the first no-hitter in a World Series since Don Larsen's perfect game in 1956. 

It was also the first combined Series no-hitter, like, ever.

Which doesn't diminish the feat, mind you. But which somehow makes it seem, I don't know, only kinda-sorta historic.

Look, I get it: A no-hitter is a no-hitter. It's a big deal, especially in the World Series. But the Blob is an incorrigible old schooler, which means saying "So-and-so pitched a no-hitter" will always sound more impressive to me than "So-and-so and a bunch of other guys pitched a no-hitter."

In this case, it was starter Cristian Javier, who was all kinds of wonderful, and relievers Bryan Abreu, Rafael Montero and Ryan Pressly. Javier pitched the first six innings, striking out nine and allowing two baserunners, both on walks. Then, after just 97 pitches, he was pulled because, you know, it's the World Series, pitching arms are as delicate as gossamer these days, and we might need this guy later on.

And so on came Abreu, Montero and Pressly, who pitched the last three hitless innings and walked just one more batter.

Thus, the first World Series no-hitter in 66 years. But not, you know, a no-hitter.

I know. Get off my lawn, you damn kids.

Cause and effect?

 Sometimes it isn't hard to find the connections between things. And this doesn't include the loonies in our public sphere who see connections where none exist.

(Some of whom are going to get elected Tuesday. God save the Republic)

No, the connections sometimes are a 12-lane freeway, cause and effect writ large. And so here are a couple of news items that popped up yesterday. See if you can figure out how they might be companion pieces.

Item No. 1: ESPN reports the U.S. attorney's office in Eastern Virginia is opening an investigation into alleged "financial improprieties" involving the Washington Commanders.

Item No. 2: Commanders owners Daniel and Tanya Snyder announce they've hired Bank of American Securities to explore, ahem, "potential transactions."

Somehow I doubt the "potential transactions" involve hiring a new catering service.

More likely the specific transaction in question is the selling of the team itself, even if the Snyders didn't say so. And the fact news about a looming investigation into the Commanders' business practices broke the same day seems like more than just a coincidence, at least to the Blob.

The Blob is an agnostic when it comes to coincidences, see. Plus Jim Irsay letting the cat out of the bag about how the other owners feel about Snyder -- that he's a revolting sleazebag with a mobster's mentality -- would seem to indicate they want him out.

Now, I have no clue what sort of back channel chatter has been going on between Snyder and the other owners, and Snyder and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. With the exception of Irsay, they've all been publicly supportive of him -- disgustingly so. But I suspect there has been some back channel chatter, and the gist has been this: "Danny boy, it's time to retire. Your yacht needs you."

Snyder was initially defiant when the first calls to sell surfaced, but of course he was initially defiant about changing the team's racist nickname, too. But then the investors and business partners came knocking, and suddenly the Washington Racist Nicknames were the Washington Football Team, and then the Washington Commanders.

Seems like Danny Boy's had yet another change of heart.

And this time, apparently, it's the legal system that's come knocking.

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

Today in self-owning

 Also: "Today in mascot news."

Because who doesn't love them some mascot news?

The Blob, a notorious Mascot-Appreciation Zone, certainly does, and the zanier (or creepier) the mascot, the better. Which brings us to one of the zaniest mascots, the Stanford Tree.

The University, it seems, has suspended the current Tree because he apparently deeply offended the board of trustees or various other stuffy tweed-heads. His crime?

Coming out on the football field with a sign that read "Stanford Hates Fun."

This being Stanford, I imagine there was some ironic/satiric meaning to it. But Stanford officials didn't think it was funny, so they suspended the Tree.

Thereby confirming that Stanford does, in fact, Hate Fun.

Nice self-own there, geniuses.

Tunnel vision

 Times like these, you gotta wonder how much heinousness people got away with before there was video surveillance everywhere, including on your cellphone. Big Brother wipes his feet on the constitution these days with outrageous impunity, but aren't you glad he was there on January 6?

Or, say, in the tunnel beneath Michigan Stadium last Saturday night?

Without all the video available of what happened, we'd be left with conflicting versions of the shameful events, a lot of he said/he said. "Sparty attacked our guys!" ... "Nah, it was just a lil' ol' scrap" ... and of course that timeless fave: "THEY started it!"

But because there is video (TunnelVision?) we know what was what. And what was what was a straight-up mugging, as many as ten Michigan State players assaulting Michigan defensive back J'Den McBurrows -- kicking him while he was down, even -- and MSU cornerback Khary Crump swinging his helmet at Michigan DB Gemon Green.

(Also on the video: A Michigan Stadium security guard standing around with his thumb up his keister while all this was going on. What was up with that?)

In any event, Michigan State has now suspended eight players indefinitely, and the police are looking into the whole disgraceful business. The Blob doesn't always agree with Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh, but he was absolutely on point when he said he can't imagine criminal charges not being filed. God knows they should be.

And because the Blob is resolutely a living-in-the-past Blob, I wonder if J'Den McBurrows will now unavoidably be remembered the way we remember Luke Witte.

Doesn't ring any bells?

Well, it has been almost 51 years.

 On Jan. 25, 1972, see, Luke Witte was a 7-foot center on the Ohio State basketball team, and he was about to become a household name in a way no one ever wants to be a household name. That night, in the final minute of a 50-44 victory at Minnesota, Witte was brutally assaulted by Gopher players Corky Taylor and Ron Behagen. Several other Buckeyes were also set upon, but it's Witte who's most remembered because of the viciousness of the assault.

Knocked down taking it to the tin with 36 seconds to go, Witte was offered a hand up by Taylor, who instead kneed him in the groin. Behagen then joined in, stomping Witte as he lay curled on the floor. He wound up in intensive care with a scarred cornea and 29 stitches in his face.

Taylor and Behagen were both suspended for the rest of the season, but no criminal charges were ever filed, largely because Witte refused to press them. He wound up becoming an ordained minister who has long since forgiven his attackers.

But that night in Minneapolis remains one of the worst outbreaks of violence in collegiate athletics history, and the Blob suspects what happened Saturday night in Ann Arbor will similarly resonate. Watching the video of McBurrows getting stomped certainly brought it all back for me.

"My God, it's Luke Witte all over again," I said to myself the first time I saw it.

Not the sort of memories college football should evoke.

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 8

 And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the trendy Blob feature of which critics have said "Omigod, now it's a TREND?", and also "I got your 'trendy' right here, pal.":

1. "We're gonna win this time! We're gonna win this t- Aw, CRAP!" (The Jets, a real football team for once, after losing to the Patriots for the 947th straight time despite being a real football team for once)

2. "Hey, what about us? We're a real football team, t-- Aw, CRAP!" (The Giants, after getting whacked by the Seahawks despite being a real football team for once)

3. "Am I trending yet?" (Geno Smith, who so far is out-Russell Wilsoning Russell Wilson for the Seahawks)

4. "Hey, wait! We finally won a game din't we?" (Russell Wilson)

5. "We're trending, too, ya kn- Aw, CRAP!" (The Bengals, after getting laminated by the cruddy Browns, 32-13, on Monday Night Football)

6. Meanwhile, the Bears!

7. Kept trending toward Watch This Space For Future Development after the Cowboys crushed 'em like gravel and the Bears traded Roquan Smith, one of the best linebackers in football this year. The Future is Later!

8. "Trending? Yeah, we're trending. We're trending toward We Suck." (Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, after the Packers and Buccaneers lost again)

9.  In other trendy news, the Bills won, the Eagles won, the Vikings won, the Lions lost. Oh, yeah, and the Jets lost to the Patriots again.

10. "Hey! You already said that, jerko! Cripes." (The Jets)