So we're eight days away from the opening ceremonies for the Rio Olympics, and let's get the good news out of the way first: No one has found any body parts adjacent to Olympic venues for, like, days.
So it's all good, right?
Well ... unless you count the fact that 19 of the 31 high-rise apartment buildings that comprise the Olympic Village haven't passed safety inspections yet. And that the Argentinians are claiming their quarters have been sabotaged. And that the venues for the yachting and open swimming competitions are even more an open sewer than originally thought, with competitors trying to achieve their Olympic dreams in a stew of diarrhea-inducing rotaviruses and "super bacteria".
"Foreign athletes will literally be swimming in human crap," a local pediatrician, Dr. Daniel Becker, told the New York Times.
Let the Games begin!