Friday, January 1, 2016

The year that won't be

And now we bid a fond farewell to 2015, whic-- no, not that door, 2015. That door. Over there. No, that's the closet. No, that's the BATHROOM. What? NO, you can't stick around to hear what stupid thing comes out of Donald Trump's mouth next! You have to leave! Go ove-- PUT THAT DOWN FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

Sorry. Just a little logistical hiccup there. We'll get to 2016 presen-- DON'T EAT THAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Sorry. Sorry. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, Happy New Year, 2016, all that. And in the grand Blob tradition we've decided to ring it in with the semi-traditional Blob feature, Stuff That Won't Happen This Year.

In January, Notre Dame won't fail to beat Ohio State in the BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl, prompting millions of Americans to ask the obvious question: "What the hell is a BattleFrog, and why is he Fiesta-ing?" Knute Rockne rolls over in his grave for the umpteenth time when he realizes the hallowed Notre Dame trophy case will now be occupied by a battalion of Heismans, a clutch of national championship trophies and a giant sculpture of a toad wearing chain mail, the BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl trophy.

Also in January, Alabama won't fail to beat Clemson 65-12 for the national title and Nick Saban won't fail to be boring again and blah, blah, blah.

In February, the Indianapolis Colts won't win the Super Bowl for the 48th time in 50 tries. The Arizona Cardinals, led by former Colts coach Bruce Arians and several former Colts, win Super Bowl 50 instead. Millions of Americans ask the obvious questions, which include "Why the hell are they former Colts?" and "Wait, what happened to the Roman numeral? It can't be a Super Bowl unless the Blob makes some wisecrack about Roman numerals."

Also in February, Jeff Gordon won't win the Daytona 500, mainly because he's retired. Some guy named Busch or Earnhardt or Johnson or Harvick wins, and blah, blah, blah.

In March, Indiana won't win the national title, another championship banner does not crowd its way into the airspace above Assembly Hall, and thousands of Hoosiers do not stop asking the obvious question: "How come Bob Knight's not here anymore? Bob Knight would have won every game by a hundred gazillion points with this team."

Also in March, the Cubs fail to clinch the NL Central title by Opening Day despite their general awesomeness, plunging thousands of Cubs fans into gloom and blah, blah, blah.

In May, 250,000 people won't fail to take up every hotel room in Indianapolis and won't decide not to attend the 100th Indianapolis 500.  Thousands of other Americans ask the obvious question: "You mean EVERY room is booked? But it's the day of after Christmas and the race is five months away!"

Also in May, a bunch of people continue to insist that nobody cares about the 500 anymore. Blah. Blah, blah, blah.

In July, the Cubs continue to not clinch the NL Central, and even lose a game to the Pirates despite their general awesomeness, etc., etc. Anthony Bryant, Kyle Schwarber and Jason Heyward fail to hit a home run in a game and Jake Arrieta fails to strike out every single batter he faces. Cubs fans are plunged into a bottomless pit of despair and self-loathing from which there will be no escape until autumn arrives and they can start hating on Jay Cutler again.

Also in July, it's kinda hot and there are fireworks and every NFL team that does not have a player blow off an extremity breathes a sigh of relief and blah-blah.

In August, hundreds of athletes from all over the world will not win a single medal at the Rio Olympics. Millions of people around the world ask the obvious question: "But did you at least score some killer antibiotics? Because, you know, Rio, the water, all that."

Also in August, the Colts go to training camp. Bruce Arians, Jerraud Powers, Dwight Freeney and Cory Redding do not show up, on account of they're still in Arizona hangin' with the Lombardi Trophy and ... well, you know the rest.

In October, Notre Dame, still trying to find an appropriate place for the BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl trophy, won't take it outside the stadium and hoist it atop the statue of Fair Catch Corby, so it looks like he's bench-pressing the thing. Thousands of Notre Dame fans ask the obvious question -- "Why don't you donate it to the Snite Museum of Art?" -- until they learn the Snite Museum people took one look at it and said "Get that piece of junk out of here."

Also in October, the Cubs ... general awesomeness ... blah, blah, blah.

In November, college basketball begins, and thousands of Hoosiers won't fail to ask where Bob Knight is, and why can't we get a good coach like Bob Knight, and why can't Crean recruit great big men like Todd Jadlow and Magnus Pelkowski the way Bob Knight used to.

Also in November ... well, you know. Blah, blah, blah.

In December, Army does not beat Navy again. That makes 15 losses in a row for the Black Knights, even though Army has the greatest name in the history of college football -- Edgar Allan Poe, and, no, we're not making that up -- playing wide receiver for it. Hundreds of Americans ask the obvious question: "Who names their kid Edgar Allan Poe?"

Also in December, Santa ... gifts ... Fox News' annual War on Christmas nonsense... Jeff Gordon, still retired.

Happy New Year. Blah, blah, blah.

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