Saturday, January 16, 2016

The Black Knight Bowl

So now comes the time to look at this weekend's NFL divisional playoff games, a welcome respite after looking all week at the Shield's shivving of fan bases in three cities no longer deemed worthy of the Great Empire. And three of those games -- in order, Seahawks-Panthers, Cardinals-Packers and Patriots-Chiefs -- the Blob can dispense with in three zippy headlines:

1. Cam-nation!

2. Rodgers, Packers Vanish In Desert Storm

3. Patriots Deflate Chiefs

As for the fourth divisional playoff ...

Well. That's the one that intrigues me, though not for the reasons you think.

It intrigues me because of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The Blob confesses up front that it's a Blob favorite, and thus the Blob will always find any excuse to reference it. So when I look at the Broncos and I look at the Steelers, all I see are two broken quarterbacks hobbling around in 35-degree weather (a particular issue for Peyton Manning, who's 0-5 in playoff games below 40 degrees) and being as witlessly brave as the armless, legless Black Knight.

Ben Roethlisberger (as his passing arm lies on the ground, detached at the shoulder): 'Tis but a scratch.

Broncos Defense: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Roethlisberger: No, it isn't ... Come on, ya pansies!

You get the idea.

As for Peyton ... well, he'll be in no better shape. With his body breaking down at an alarming rate, and having not started a game in two months, it will be fun for the whole family to see how many of Manning's body parts they can count strewn about on the cold turf in Denver.

Little Billy: I see a finger!

Little Tommy: A rib! A rib!

Little Jimmy: I see ... what's that, Dad?

Dad: I believe that's a kidney, son.

OK, so I'm being silly, and also a little gruesome. But you do have one quarterback with a barely functional throwing arm, and another who's barely played in two months and whose body really is going to pieces like an '82  Pinto. So this will become a battle to see who falls apart the slowest, and subsequently which backup has to face the fire last.

Landry Jones of the Steelers or Brock Osweiler of the Broncos? Who'll we see first, America?

I say we see Jones first. Broncos win, Broncos win.

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