Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Another silly prediction Blob

So 2014 is all but out the door -- hey, look, there goes the snap over Peyton Manning's head again, and Ryan Hunter-Reay slamming the milk, and Madison Bumgarner trying to pitch around his Superman cape -- and you know what that means. That means it's time to look ahead to 2015.

(Obligatory crystal ball reference here).

(Cries of "No!", and "Come on, a little originality, please!" here).

Well, I'm not going to predict what's going to happen in 2015. I'm going to predict what's not going to happen.

In January, skeptics will be amazed to discover that Jim Harbaugh has not yet bolted back to the NFL.

"Impressive. I gave it three weeks," one skeptic will say.

"Clearly the man's committed to Michigan," says another.

"I don't know. I still think he'll be back in the NFL by February," says one dissenter.

When asked for his name, he mumbles something that sounds like "Davis." Then he makes a hurried dash for a car with Alameda County, California plates and drives away.

In  February, the Chicago Bears will not win the Super Bowl. Neither will the Jets, the Falcons, the 49ers or anyone from the NFC South, whose existence Roger Goodell will firmly deny in the commissioner's traditional pre-Super Bowl news conference.

"I don't know anyone named 'Ray Rice'," Goodell will be quoted as saying.

"Um ... we were asking about the NFC South," a reporter will respond.

"Oh," Goodell will say. "I thought you said 'Ray Rice.' Well, I don't know anyone named "NFC South,' either. How many games did I suspend him again?"

In April, thousands of people will not win their NCAA office pool. They'll blame Gonzaga, which once again will not live up to its Cinderella status.

"They were my sleeper pick!" the losers will wail, having just arrived from 2001 because, in 2015, time travel will become a thing.

In May, Danica Patrick will not be at the Indianapolis 500 again, which means no will watch the race on TV even though 250,000 fans will jam Indianapolis Motor Speedway to watch a race in which there will be 72 lead changes, including 15 in the last 10 laps.

"IndyCar racing just isn't exciting," viewers will say. "Hey, didja see that NASCAR race? Two passes for the lead! I thought I was gonna stroke out!"

In June, somebody will not lift the Stanley Cup and somebody else will not hoist the NBA trophy, and a lot of somebodies will not care because, well, it's June and hockey and basketball should have finished up two months ago.

In September, Jim Harbaugh will still not have returned to the NFL, opting instead to go ahead and coach Michigan in its home opener.

"Well, it looks like he really is going to do this Michigan thing," one skeptic will say.

"You suppose the NFL teams have lost his number?" says another.

"I don't believe it. I think that's a body double leading the Wolverines into the Big House. The real Jim Harbaugh would never forsake the NFL for a silly college job," says one dissenter.

When asked his name, he mumbles something that sounds like "McCaskery" or "McCrapkey", then bolts for a car with a Dick Butkus bobblehead in the rear window.

In October, the Cubs will not win the World Series. I mean, come on. Like that's even a prediction?

Finally ...

In December, Jameis Winston does not win the Heisman Trophy, mainly because he's playing in the NFL. Florida State officials pronounce themselves shocked, having come to believe there wasn't any ruling they couldn't bend to Winston's advantage.

"What, he has to still be in college? Well, that isn't fair," Florida State's chancellor will say.

"I'm convening the disciplinary committee to look into this. We're experts at getting Jameis off the hook," another FSU official declares.

Jameis, meanwhile, professes not to be upset by the news.

"Aw, that's OK," he says. "I'm just excited that Jim Harbaugh will be here soon. Everybody says so."


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