Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A brief conversation with Mr. S. Claus

So it's Christmas Eve and the fat guy in the red suit just stopped by, because he heard me whining that there were no gifts under the tree yet for me, and why was that, anyway?

Right away he started in on me.

"Y'know, Christmas is supposed to be about giving, knucklehead," he said, plucking a cookie from the plate next to the fire.

"Yeah, I know," I came back. "So what gives?"

The big fella brushed a crumb or two from his sleeve and sighed.

"Look around," he said. "You've already been served."

"How so?" I said.

Another cookie disappeared into his snowy maw.

"Well," he said, "it's Christmas Eve right? A day you'd like not to mess with your Blob or whatever you call it, right? So I gave you a day when the only news out there is the Popeye's Bahama Bowl and the Hawai'i Bowl. Seriously, does anyone really believe those aren't totally made up? I mean, come on, Central Michigan and Western Kentucky in the former and Fresno State and Rice in the latter? Even if those are actual teams, you think they're worth Blobbing about?

"For the love of Blitzen, Fresno State's 6-7. Most of  their fans don't even know they're still playing. Ditto Rice. And did anyone but pathetic loser alumni watch Central Who Cares lose by a point to Western Where's That earlier today?

"The point, knucklehead, is this: You get a day off. And that beats a new bike any day."

I hated to admit it. But he had me there.

"You know, you're annoying as hell when you're right," I said.

The big fella just laughed.

"And a Merry Christmas to you, too," he said. 


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