Derby time!

 And now the Blob's eagerly awaited Guide To The Kentucky Derby From A Guy Who Doesn't Know A Fetlock From A Padlock, in which we discuss the Twin Spires (Look! Two of 'em!), and mint juleps (The Robitussin of mixed drinks!), and why Kentucky colonels never get promoted to general (Too many mint juleps!).

Here we go ...

1. Gray Horse Alert

Based on the Blob's ridiculous but firmly held belief that gray horses are frequently slower than erosion, we regret to inform you that one of the favorites, Tapit Trice, is as gray as a winter's day. So are Hit Show, Rocket Can and King Russell.

The until-today favorite, on other hand, is not gray. His name is Forte, and he's kind of a bondo-bay color. He was going off at 3-1, but this morning he was scratched because of a bruised foot.

I say drop a wad on him anyway.

2. Where is Calvin Borel?

Everyone's favorite overly-excitable jock retired in 2016, so, sadly, he will not be aboard a Derby horse today. But if he were, it probably wouldn't be Tapit Trice, Hit Show, Rocket Can or King Russell.

I'm thinking he'd be riding Raise Cain. It sounds like the kind of horse he'd be aboard, and he goes off at 50-1 besides. Perfect.

3. Where is that guy with the white hair?

You know the one. Bob Baffle, Butter, something like that (actually: Baffert). Well, he's not here either. They kicked Butter out of the Derby two years ago for doping his horses, and the six-time Derby-winning trainer is still banned. 

So he won't have a Derby horse again this year. Not even Raise Cain or one of those gray mutts.

4. Who are the Irish horses?

That would be Not Here and Oh, Sure, Carry On Without Me Ya Feckers. In other words, there are no Irish horses in the field this year.

There are, however, two Japanese horses. Their names are Toshiro Mifune and Ken Watanabe.

Just kidding. Those are two Japanese actors.

Derma Sotogake and Mandarin Hero are the two Japanese horses, and Derma Sotogake is the one people are eyeing because he won the UAE Derby by 5 1/2 lengths. Unfortunately, winners of the UAE Derby are 0-for-18 lifetime in the Derby. So he's got that not going for him.

Then again, Derma Sotogake's trainer, Hidetaka Otonashi, is don't-give-a-damn years old (68), which might explain why he showed up drunk to the Kentucky Derby trainers dinner the other night.

I like him already.

5. And your Derby winner is ...

The Blob says put all your money on Cyclone Mischief, a 30-1 shot. 

Why? I don't know why. He's pretty?

Of course, he could be a can of Alpo, too. He's coming off  third-place finish in the Florida Derby. His best Brisnet Speed rating, whatever that is, is 99. His trainer, Dale Romans, is 0-for-11 in the Derby; his owners, Albaugh Family Stables, are 0-for-3 in the Derby.

One of his owners, though, is the splendidly named Castleton Lyons.

Castleton Lyons!

Sounds like a winner to me. I say take out a second mortgage on him.