The Year in Preview

Merry Happy New Year, everyone, and here's hoping you bid farewell to 2018 in the appropriate manner -- which is to say, tying its diseased carcass to the bumper of your car and dragging it around the neighborhood until it fell apart.

Time now to look ahead to 2019, which will be the best of all years unless it's not. And because the Blob is all about tradition when it suits its purpose, here's the Blob's 2019 edition of the Year in Preview, in which the Blob predicts what's NOT going to happen this year:

In January, Andrew Luck's arm does not fall off, disappointing all the know-it-alls who say "Rats! I had January in the pool," and also, "Come on! Haven't we been wrong enough about the Colts?"

In other news, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars and Green Bay Packers will not turn down the chance to poach Jon "Career .500 Coach" Gruden, saying, "Hey, it's Jon 'Career .500 Coach' Gruden! People say he's really good!"

In February, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Carl Edwards will not win the Daytona 500, on account of they all remain retired. Also, no one else wins the 500, either, on account of the Big One happens on lap 198, wiping out the entire 43-car field. After an hour closed-door meeting, NASCAR officials declare Earnhardt Jr. the winner, retired or not, saying, "Yeah, but it's Dale Jr."

In other news, President Donald J. "Donny" Trump does not avoid trying to poach Jon "I Won A Super Bowl With Tony Dungy's Players" Gruden for his 12th Chief of Staff, saying "Hey, it's Jon 'I Won A Super Bowl With Tony Dungy's Players' Gruden! People say he's really good. Also, this bowl of Fruit Loops over here turned me down."

In March, Virginia does not lose to Maryland Baltimore County again in the NCAA Tournament. This is because Maryland Baltimore County fails to make the NCAA Tournament. Maryland Eastern Shore, does, however, and stuns the Cavaliers 112-35, prompting Virginia fans to say "Dammit! How many of these Marylands are there?"

In other news, UCLA does not avoid trying to poach Jon "Did I Tell You I Won A Super Bowl With Tony Dungy's Players?" Gruden as its new basketball coach, saying, "Oh, Jon Gruden. We thought you said John Wooden. Never mind."

In April, Maryland Eastern Shore does not win the NCAA title. Neither do Duke, Kentucky, Kansas, Michigan, Michigan State or North Carolina. Maryland Institute of Maryland wins the title, prompting critics to say "Come on, that's not a real school," and also "Besides, they didn't even beat Virginia!"

In other news, Maryland Institute of Maryland does not respond by trying to poach Jon "Come On, My Resume Isn't THAT Unimpressive" Gruden, who does not say "Good, I'm happy here in Oakland" without winking.

In May, Helio Castroneves, Will Power, Scott Dixon, Graham Rahal, Tony Kanaan, Josef Newgarden and Ryan Hunter-Reay do not win the Indianapolis 500. This is because the Big One happens on lap 198, wiping out the entire 33-car field. After an hour closed-door meeting, IMS and IndyCar officials declare Lloyd Ruby the winner, saying "What the hell, the guy never had any luck here. Besides, Jon Gruden said he was happy in Oakland."

In other news, the Blob does not continue the Jon "Hey, People Say I'm Good! They Do!" Gruden meme because, frankly, it's boring and too easy to make fun of Jon "No, Really! I'm Good!" Gruden.

In June, July and August, the NBA Finals, Stanley Cup Final, Wimbledon and Tiger Jordan Rory Spieth McIlroy Woods do not capture the imagination of the sporting public. This is because the sporting public is riveted to the battle in the NL Central, where the Cubs are not running away with the title because the Cardinals, Brewers and Reds did not fail to get better in the offseason.

In other news, Cubs manager Joe Maddon does not say, "No fair! The Cardinals, Brewers and Reds did not fail to get better!" Instead, he says "No fair! That Blob guy did not continue with the Jon Gruden meme! We coulda hired him! People say he's really good!"

In October and November, the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame wallop Navy, Stanford, USC and some Wake Forests, but are not overrated again by the college football pollsters.

In other news, of course they are.

In December, the Duke Blue Devils, fortified by blue-chip freshman LeBron James, do not fail to crush Maryland Baltimore County, Maryland Eastern Shore and Maryland Institute of Maryland in the Someplace Warm And Palm Tree-y Classic. They would have destroyed Virginia, too, but the Cavaliers opted out of the Classic at the last minute, saying, "We're not playing anymore of those damn Marylands. Especially the one that doesn't exist."

In other news, LeBron does not fail to announce he's moving back to Cleveland again to enroll at Cleveland State, or "maybe Oakland because Jon Gruden's there and people say he's really good."

"Yeah, I've heard that," says Duke coach Mike "One-and-Done" Krzyzewski.