Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Your NFL preseason report for today

And now a few notes from the NFL's preseason, where alleged games of alleged consequence are contested, players of whom you may vaguely have heard vanish without a trace and some of the finest athletes on the planet occasionally display the manual dexterity of 5-year-olds:

* Speaking of which ... Tom Brady.

Who last week sliced his thumb open with a pair of scissors while trying to cut tape off his shoe. Luckily, he's a grown man and a professional football player. Otherwise ...

Well. I heard they hold kindergartners back for stuff like that.

* In other news, Ravens wide receiver Breshad Perriman cut his hair.

You may not think this is significant. But before he shaved his skull clean, Perriman had some of the most luxurious dreads in the NFL. He says cutting them off dropped him three to four pounds, and, you know, everybody says lighter is quicker.

Besides, it worked for Torrey Smith. In 2013, he cut his hair, and the result was a career season: 65 catches for 1,128 yards and four touchdowns.

So much for that Samson thing.

* You think you've had a bad month?

You're a master of the universe compared to poor Roberto Aguayo.

The Buccaneers' rookie placekicker barely missed anything in college -- at Florida State, he never missed an extra point and missed only nine field goals in his career -- but it's been nothing but Yip City for him with Tampa Bay so far. In two preseason games, he's missed two field goals and an extra point, and in Tuesday's joint practice with the Cleveland Browns, he went 3-for-6.'

For which he was booed by his own fans.

(And who does that, anyway? Boos a guy in practice who clearly needs your support? I swear, NFL fans are living proof that evolution has a reverse gear.)

Anyway, the good news was Aguayo wrapped up the practice by sticking a 50-yarder, for which he was mobbed by his teammates. So maybe there's hope for the kid yet.

If not, I hear this guy's available.

Or this guy.

Or, you know, this guy.

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