The Rules*

 (*As apparently imagined by NFL officials in regards to Tom Brady -- or, in proper English, TOM FREAKING BRADY)

By now, all of America has seen it. 

Wait. You haven't?

OK, here it is, then. What an NFL referee ruled was a personal foul for roughing the passer yesterday in the Atlanta-Tampa Bay game, during which hands were laid on TOM FREAKING BRADY in a manner sane people simply would call "a tackle."

Nope. Referee Jerome Boger flagged the Falcons Grady Jarrett, explaining later that Jarrett "grabbed the quarterback while he was still in the pocket and unnecessarily throwing him to the ground."

This sounds exactly like the definition of a sack, at least to me. But what do I know

In any case, Boger denied he flagged Jarrett because the league had told him to watch hits on quarterbacks after Tua Tagovailoa's two concussions in four days last week. He also denied he dropped the laundry because it was Brady.

Well, conspiracy kooks like myself ain't buyin' THOSE groceries. Which is where The Rules* come in.

The Blob, see, has secretly obtained a super-secret copy of the super-secret Rules, because we're a full-service Blob and that's what we do here. We're passing them along because we wouldn't want you to think the Brady call was just another awful NFL call, of which there are many these days and why you should never, ever, ever bet on NFL games.

Anyway ... here they are:

The Rules

1. Defenders must not wrap up, grab or otherwise employ even normally legal means to tackle TOM FREAKING BRADY. What are you, animals?

2. If a defender causes any part of TOM FREAKING BRADY to touch the ground, other than the soles of his feet, it's an automatic first down and the defender will be shunned by his friends and family for all eternity.

3. Rather, defenders who wish to approach TOM FREAKING BRADY in the pocket must do so with the deference they would accord anyone of such advanced years. A gentle pat on the shoulder is acceptable, as is a friendly "I believe I got you, sir." (Pro tip: Avoid the more pejorative "old-timer.")

4. Also, you may simply pull TOM FREAKING BRADY'S flag. Excessive jostling while doing so, however, will not be permitted.

5. Lastly, defenders must always be aware of TOM FREAKING BRADY'S value to the league. This also applies to Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, Aaron Rodgers, Russell Wilson, Justin Herbert and Joe Burrow, among others. Never forget that they're the stars, and you're just a faceless cog in a mighty financial colossus. 

You animals, you.