The glorious unknowable

 Script? We don't need no stinking script!

-- From "Treasure of the Sierra Madre," almost

What makes college football the best kind of football happened in several places this week, but mostly in Ann Arbor, Mich., and State College, Pa., and Gainesville, Fla. Oh, and Los Angeles, Calif., and Baton Rouge, La., too.

Call it the glorious unknowable, for want of a better term. Plus a healthy disdain for scripts.

But first, how about some John Lennon?

Instant karma's gonna get you

Gonna knock you right on the head ...

Which brings us back to Ann Arbor, and also L.A.

In the former, your Michigan Wolverines had another Big House win all wrapped up in a neat bow, and then they didn't. They were leading 19-14, the visiting Iowa Hawkeyes had jumped offside on a crucial fourth-and-inches, and then they'd missed the subsequent field goal attempt. Now they had the ball back waaaay back in their own territory with one orbit or so of the clock left.

So of course they marched right down the field and -- on the last play of the game, as the last two seconds drained away -- scored a touchdown on a throw into the end zone to steal it right off UM's plate, 20-19. 

So how John Lennon figure into this?

Because a few weeks back, Michigan stole one off Western Michigan's plate because the Wolverines got a do-over on their own throw into the end zone. The game clock showed zeroes, but the officials -- who were not, contrary to rumor, the same game officials who gave the Soviets three chances to beat the Americans in the 1972 Olympic basketball final -- decided zero wasn't really zero. So Michigan scored on the reprieve and stuck the landing this time.

A lot of people outside of Ann Arbor didn't think that was fair. Thus a lot of people thought Iowa stealing one in the last second was, you know, instant karma.

Meanwhile, out in L.A., the USC Trojans got a helping of instant karma, too. After a brutal late hit sent Oregon quarterback Dante Moore to the hospital in an ambulance, the incensed Ducks commenced pounding lumps on the home team. Backup QB Dylan Raiola came in, threw for 289 yards and two scores, and No. 20 Oregon, up 13-10 at the time, outscored No. 12 USC 28-17 the rest of the way in a 41-27 rump-roasting. Quack-quack.

And speaking of rump-roastings ...

Here came Trinidad Chambliss and No. 4 Ole Miss into Gainesville still enjoying the afterglow of last week's emotional win over LSU, and the Florida Gators said "Afterglow this, b******," or something similar. They turned loose running backs Jadan Baugh and Duke Clark, trampled Ole Miss with 302 rushing yards, and swamped the Rebels in the Swamp, 52-28.

And have we mentioned yet what happened in State College?

Penn State was all over Wisconsin as expected, because, what, you thought the Badgers were going to win in a place they hadn't won since 2002? Heck, they hadn't beaten the Nittany Lions anywhere in 15 years. So when Penn State went up 17-0, everyone figured it was just more of the same.

But then quarterback Colton Joseph started throwing, and the Badgers defense got prickly, and Wisky outscored the No. 13 Nittany Lions 24-3 the rest of the way, including a 72-yard Joseph touchdown pass with 1:13 remaining. 

Meanwhile, Minnesota took the long roadie out to Seattle, jumped out 24-10 on the Washington Huskies, and held on for a 27-24 win.

Also meanwhile, LSU, still smarting from last week's loss at Ole Miss, came back home to poleax Texas A&M 35-6 in what was supposed to be one Saturday's marquee matchups.

"Script? We don't need no stinking script!" LSU coach Lane Kiffin said when it was done.

OK, so he didn't. But you get the idea.

Boiler ... something

 Your Purdue Boilermakers welcome Notre Dame to Ross-Ade today for the traditional rivalry game/ritual sacrifice, and maybe we'll find out if they're actually new and improved or if they're still just Purdue. There have been hints so far the former might be true, but ND will be the measuring stick.

The Irish, after all, are undefeated, ranked ranked third in the nation and, except for one "meh" half, have mostly cruised so far. They've also dropped 122 points on the Boilers in their last two meetings.

Two years ago, it was 66-7. Last year, it was 56-30. 

Today?

Well, today, we're looking at a result closer to last year than the year before, by all indications. Which is to say, in three games the Purdues have hinted that they have another of those Quarterback U. quarterbacks (Ryan Browne), and a pretty good running back with a marvelous name (Fame Ijeboi), and more athletes at more positions than they've had in awhile.

Unfortunately, most of them seem to be on the offensive side of the ball. Also unfortunately, they can't seem to shake the inclination to Purdue it up on occasion.

The latter is why the Boilers come to today's tilt 1-2 instead of 2-1, because two weeks ago they flat out gave one away to Wake Forest. Had a six-point lead and Wake backed up fourth-and-15 in the second overtime, only to surrender the first down because they unaccountably chose to play a soft cover instead of bringing the kind of pressure that had put the Demon Deacons in fourth-and-15 to begin with.

Two plays later, Wake scored. Then the Deacons made the two-point conversion for the walk-off win.

So instead of 2-0, the Boilers were 1-1 heading out to the Rose Bowl last week to take on UCLA. But, hey, look at this: They put up 38 points and 488 total yards against the Bruins, with Browne looking very Quarterback U-ish: 19-of-30 passing, 378 yards and three touchdowns. Ijeboi added two more sixes on the ground.

However ...

However, UCLA scored 56 points. Piled up 645 yards. Rushed for 369 yards and averaged a yawning 7.7 yards per carry. Hogged the football for a shade over 36 minutes to just under 24 minutes for Purdue.

Most disturbing part of that: UCLA was flagged 12 times for 103 yards in penalties. Which makes you wonder how many points the Bruins could have scored had they not been quite so sloppy.

It also pretty much erases the notion that the Boilers could pull off the shocking upset today, as they famously have on several occasions in this ancient series. 

 No, sir. I'm thinking 56-30, Notre Dame, gets it about right. 

In which case, "Boiler up" will continue to be "Boiler ... something."

The first superstar

 Saw on the news the other day that Bob Pettit passed, and it's OK if you don't know the name. He may have been the NBA's first superstar, but no superstar has ever been more cursed by his time and his circumstance than the 6-9 backbone of the old St. Louis Hawks.

Pettit died in his native Louisiana at the full-to-the-top age of 93, but back when the world was young no one in the still-infant NBA could stop him. He was Jordan and LeBron and Kareem and Bird all in one, and he did MJ and LeBron and Kareem and Bird things.

A star at LSU, he played 11 seasons in the NBA , was an All-Star in every one, and was the All-Star game MVP a record four times. In 1956, he was the league's first Most Valuable Player. And in 1958, in Game Six of the NBA Finals, he scored 50 points to beat Red Auerbach and the Boston Celtics and clinch the Hawks' only title.

No one scored 50 points in a game those days, long before the advent of the three-ball and the NBA's current addiction to it. That was an MJ sort of deal. It was a Kobe or Steph or even a Shai Gilgeous-Alexander sort of deal.

All of whose names you know, of course. But maybe not Bob Pettit's.

That's because he played his entire career in a small Midwestern market before ESPN, before FS1, before Apple TV and Prime and Peacock and all those choke-a-horse TV deals.  Before the NBA went global. Back when even the NFL was an afterthought.

So he toiled mostly in obscurity, and that's a damn shame. Because by the time Bob Pettit retired after the 1964-65 season, he was the NBA's all-time leader in points with 20,880. He was second in rebounds with 12,849. For his career, he averaged 26.2 points and 16.2 boards and was the first big man to play a good share of the time facing the basket.

In other words, for his time, he was a singular talent. The problem was his time was not this time, or even the time when he retired. Because by the time he took his bows in '65, the nation was starting to notice the pro game -- largely, of course, because of Red Auerbach's Celtics.

Bob Pettit never got in on that, playing when he did and where he did. More's the pity.

Chicago ... Chicago ...

 ... that toddlin' town ...

And now you're saying this: "'Toddlin'?' 'Toddlin'?' What the heck does that even mean, Mr. Blob?" 

Hell if I know. Hey, I didn't write the song. But that's the song, so stop whinging and nitpicking and just sing it loud and proud, OK?

Sing it loud and proud, because yesterday, the Chicago Cubs clinched a playoff spot with a W over the woeful Miami Marlins. Also yesterday -- on the EXACT SAME DAY -- the Chicago White Sox clinched a playoff spot, too, with a W over the woeful Kansas City Royals.

You know how many times both Chicago baseball teams have made the playoffs, in all of the long and mythology-spangled history of our once-upon-a-time national game?

Three times. And they never clinched on the same day.

First time it happened was in 1906, when the southsiders upset the northsiders in an all-Chi World Series. It was an entire century plus two years before it happened again, in 2008. And then it happened again in the Covid-shortened 2020 season.

And speaking of the White Sox in particular ...

Know how many times a team coming off back-to-back-to-back 100-loss seasons has made the playoffs?

Not once. Not ever. No even when the Brooklyn Eckfords were tooling up on the New York Mutuals or something back in the 1860s.

The Pale Hose lost 106 games in 2023, but they were just getting started. In 2024, they lost more games than any team in the history of the modern game, going 41-121 and finishing an astounding 51 1/2 games out of first in the AL Central. They followed that with 102 losses last season.

So three years, 329 losses. But this season?

Well, the Sox are 82-77, one game behind the first-place Cleveland Guardians in the AL Central heading into the last weekend of the season. So it's conceivable -- not probable, but conceivable -- they could win or tie for the division title, one year after finishing dead last, 28 games out of first.

In 2025, the southsiders won 61 games. At 82 heading into the weekend, they're already 21 games better than they were a year ago -- and an astounding 41 better than just two years ago.

A 41-game improvement in two seasons? Last place by 51 1/2 games to the playoffs? Who does that?

Your Chicago White Sox, that's who. In like Flynn with their northside rivals.

Toddlin' town, indeed.

Cruds alert!*

 (*Not really)

We're in the last week of the regular season in Major League Baseball season, and exciting news, fans of a team none of you care about: The Pittsburgh Not-Really-Cruds-Anymore Cruds at NOT going to finish last in the NL Central this season.

No way, Vandelay. With five games left in the season, they're four games up on the fourth-place Cardinals and seven games up on the cellar-occupyin' Reds. It'll take a collapse of Cruddian proportions for them not to finish third in the division.

Third in the division! And you thought they were doomed when Paul Skenes unaccountably lost his mojo this summer.

(And, no, I don't know why Skenes suddenly became ordinary. I don't know why Pittsburgh immortal Steve Blass suddenly couldn't throw a strike, either, six months after pitching the Buccos to the 1971 World Series championship. Pitchers are just weird.)

Anyway, the Cruds are no longer Cruds, but good honest Pirates again. And you know something else?

"No, and we don't want to," you're saying now.

Well, TOO BAD. Imma tell you anyway.

With five games to go, the Bucs are three games north of .500. This means (once again absent a major fold job) they're going to finish with a winning record for the first time in eight years.

Last time it happened was in 2018, when they went 82-79 and wound up fourth in the Central. It's been a full decade since they finished higher than that; they were third in 2016.

And now?

Third again. Probably.

Makes me want to pull my Roberto Clemente jersey out of the closet and slip that puppy on. Yessir.

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 2

 And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the excruciatingly formulaic Blob feature of which critics have said "God, this is so excruciating!", and also "Formulaic? I got your formulaic right here, pal":

1. "God, this is so excruciating!" (Commanders quarterback Jayden Daniels, after going down with a dislocated elbow)

2. "Ditto!" (Bears quarterback Caleb Williams, after going down with a hamstring injury)

3. "Ditto!" (Giants quarterback Jaxson Dart, after going down with a sprained meniscus)

4. "Hey, what about me?" (Colts wide receiver Alec Pierce, who injured his left heel and is expected to miss several weeks)

5. Meanwhile, A-Aron Rodgers!

6. Did not get hurt. He and the Steelers merely got paved by the Patriots and Drake Maye -- who did not get hurt, either, and better yet did not throw three picks again.

7. In other news, the Ravens lost to the Saints, the Eagles barely survived the Titans and the Browns beat the Buccaneers in Tampa.

8. "What th--?" (Ravens fans)

 9. "Expletive, expletive, what th--!" (Eagles fans)

10. "Oh, come ON! The BROWNS??" (Buc fans)

A tale of two ... weeks

 So remember this time last week, when folks in Chicago were saying "Daaang, these boys are gooood," and folks in Indianapolis were saying "Daaang, these boys are baaaad"?

We thought we were SO SMART. We thought, one game into a season that lasts until judgment trump, that Da Bearz were gonna go through the NFC North like poop through a goose. And we thought the AFC South was gonna go through the Colts like ... well, the same.

See what happened yesterday?

The Bears lost at home to the Minnesota Vikings, 9-3, and Caleb Williams popped a hammy. Seven days after turning the end zone into a campground -- Fifty-nine points! Are you KIDDING me? -- they couldn't find the end zone with search planes and a GPS. Six City became the Forbidden City. It was the starship Enterprise with its shields up.

 And that was before Williams went down like a shot on a scramble. Which didn't happen until there were, what, six minutes or so to play?

So they went roughly 54 of the 60 minutes with their star quarterback pulling the trigger, and instead of 59 points, they generated one lousy field goal. How does that happen?

"Because the Vikings are really, really good?" you're saying now.

Come on. They beat the Bears with Carson Wentz, for pity's sake. Try again.

"Well, it was raining and all," you're saying.

In other words, it was Bear Weather. Try again.

"Weeell ..."

Well, nothing. This was a football team that looked like the king of the world a week ago looking like Dennis the Peasant from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." From the Lady of the Lake holding aloft Excalibur to a watery tart throwing swords in seven short days.

(If you don't get the latter, look up the Dennis the Peasant scene online. It's my favorite.)

Anyway, the whole business should remind us that in the NFL, it's always Not For Long, as Jerry Glanville used to say. Fifty-nine points one week become one lonely field goal the next. One week you're the windshield; one week you're the bug.

And speaking of bugs ...

Here's another example of the NFL's capriciousness: Your Indianapolis Colts.

Who last week got so smooshed by the windshield -- i.e., the visiting Baltimore Ravens -- the home fans were booing them before the first quarter was over. The offense was "meh," putting up 23 points and 251 yards. The defense looked like Larry, Curley, Moe ) and eight other guys who couldn't tackle Lamar Jackson.

Final score: Ravens 41, Colts 23. The ugly details: Lamar 'n' them racked 506 total yards and almost eight yards per play. The equally ugly conclusion: Eight-and-nine, here we come again.

Exactly one week later, I turned on my TV and saw DeForrest Buckner sacking Patrick Mahomes.

"What th-?" I said, along with most of America.

"What th-?",, indeed. The same team that was so odiferous in Lucas Oil Stadium last week was in Arrowhead, giving Chiefs Kingdom all it wanted. The Horsies didn't win, of course -- come on, that would have been too much even for the NFL -- but it took overtime for Mahomes and the Chiefs to finally put them away, 33-30.

"Does this mean the Colts are NOT looking at another 8-9 season?" you're saying now.

No, it doesn't mean that at all. After all, the same names -- Chris Ballard and Shane Steichen -- are still at the top, even though Colts owner Carlie Irsay-Gordon has put them on double secret probation. There are still 15 games for them to start breaking stuff again.

"But is it possible they could make the playoffs for the first time since 2020?" you're saying.

Sure, it's possible. It was also possible Dr. Jack Miller the Racing Dentist could have won the Indianapolis 500 back in the day. But probable?

Well. After last week and this week in Chicago and Indy, I'd say all bets are off on that one. And on pretty much every other one, too. 

In the meantime ...

Let's see what happens this week. 

And the week after that.

And all the weeks after that.