Requiem time, Part Deux

 Well, THAT was quick.

Forget the question mark in the title of the previous post. It is requiem time in Indy.

This just in: The Colts have fired Greg Ballard, roughly 17 hours after losing to previously winless Tennessee.

Doors standard to follow.

Requiem time?

 This is the end

My only friend, the end …

Oops, sorry. Just rehearsing Chris Ballard’s next number.

And that’s Shane Steichen singin’ harmony.

With a nod, and huge apologies, to Jimmy Morrison and the Doors, of course.

And, sure, maybe I’m being a tad melodramatic here, but, hoo, boy, what the heck was THAT yesterday? Losing at home to the previously winless Tennessee Titans, for cryin’ out loud? Making the Titans defense look like all gnarly and fierce, while Steichen’s and Ballard’s Colts looked worthless and weak?*

(*Gratuitous “Animal House” reference)

Here’s how the Horseshoes lost 26-20 yesterday, at home, to one of the weakest teams in the NFL:

* Gave up a 58-yard punt return to set up one Titans score.

* Gave up another touchdown on a blocked punt return.

* Turned it over three times — twice on Daniel Jones interceptions, once on a Jonathan Taylor fumble — and allowed six sacks.

* Got outscored 26-7 in the second half to blow a 13-0 halftime lead.

No wonder Ballard and Steichen might be tuning up that old Doors standard. 

They came into this season with a distinctly un-subtle mandate from owner Carlie Irsay-Gordon — win or hit the bricks — and now the Colts are 2-4 and the two wins were against 2-4 Houston and a 1-3-1 Washington team that was playing a third-string quarterback from Rutgers. 

(They also pushed the Chiefs to overtime in K.C. before losing 33-30. People are still trying to figure out that one out.)

So now here they are with a slower Daniel Jones (thanks to the Achilles tear that knocked him out last season), a “meh” receiver room and a defense whose best player is a 32-year-old nose tackle who was thinking recreating before this season (DeForrest Buckner). 

After starting 8-1 last season, they’ve gone 2-12 since.

This is surely not what Irsay-Gordon had in mind when, in so many words, she said Ballard and Steichen had to show her something or else.

It’s also not what she had in mind when the fans were sending down boos yesterday afternoon.

Those boos might or might not have been a requiem of sorts for Ballard and Steichen. But at this point, you’ve gotta be leaning toward the former.

What th-?

 OK, OK, O-KAY. Lemme see if I can get all of this straight:

* No. 5 Indiana lost to No. 4 Ohio State by the width of Nick Marsh’s foot.

* For the second week in a row, the No. 1 team — Georgia this time — lost on a walkoff field goal. At home, no less.

* Meanwhile the previous No. 1 team (Texas) lost AGAIN, also at home,  this time to a Florida team that had just been paved by 19 at home by an unranked South Carolina team.

* Also, No. 6 Alabama lost to Tennessee.

* Also, No. 2 Notre Dame flunked its first real test of the season, losing to  No. 8 BYU in Provo because the zebras swallowed their whistles and the timekeeper swallowed whatever it is timekeepers swallow on the last play of the game.

(Translation: Leading 28-24, BYU’s DBs knocked down a Notre Dame receiver in the end zone, stole his lunch money, kicked his schoolbooks into the gutter and made fun of his mom. Oh, and when the play ended with one second left, the timekeeper maybe/possibly was juuust a tad slow on the draw, letting the last second run out. Game over, BYU wins!)

Whew. What an insane, what-th? day in college football.

The No. 1, 2, 5, 6 and 7 teams all lost. The No. 3 team (Miami) needed overtime to beat Florida State. The nation’s two longest winning streaks — Indiana with 22 straight Ws and Notre Dame with 16 — both ended.

And about that Indiana game …

The Hoosiers almost pulled off another fourth-and-ain’t-gonna-make-it gamble, but Josh Hoover was crunched as he threw, and his 30-some-yard pass was offline by three inches or so, leading Marsh too close to the edge of the end zone.

And so Marsh stepped out of bounds as he caught what everyone in Bloomington briefly thought was another game-winning miracle by their Hoosiers. But it wasn’t, and Ohio State survived 19-15 in a game every bit as epic as expected.

It was a game Indiana, which never beats itself, probably beat itself, missing two field goals and turning it over twice. And it turned, really, in the second quarter, when Indiana, already up 7-3, drove to the shadow of Ohio State’s goal.

But on third-and-goal, Hoover failed to see Charlie Becker break wide open in the end zone. Instead he tried to squeeze a throw across the middle to Marsh, who was bracketed by three defenders.

Incomplete. And then Indiana’s kicker came on to cash the gimme 32-yard field goal, and he somehow spanked it off the left upright.

Make the right read, and it’s 14-3 and a very different game. Make the kick, and it’s at least 10-3.

Instead, Ohio State marched back downfield and scored on fourth-and-goal to take a 10-7 lead into halftime. The Buckeyes never trailed again.

And No. 4 survived. And No. 5 didn’t.

But, hey. At least they had plenty of company.

And the winner is …

 … not Indiana.

Sorry, Hoosiers fans. Can’t do it. Would like to, but … just can’t.

I think Ohio State wins today in Bloomington, because the Buckeyes have been laying for this one for a year and also because this is not the Indiana team that beat them a year ago.

This Indiana team is good up front on defense, but not nearly as good on the back side. Which is a problem when the best player in college football is Ohio State wideout Jeremiah Smith. 

This Indiana team does not get the same push up front on offense, which is why it struggled to run the ball against Nebraska last week.

This Indiana team has Josh Hoover at quarterback, who’s pretty good but no Fernando Mendoza. And this Indiana team has Charlie Becker and Nick Marsh, but the receiver corps otherwise is not what it was a year ago.

On the other hand …

On the other hand, when Nick Saban said this week we’ll find out what Indiana is made of today, he apparently missed what happened last week in Lincoln, Neb., when the Hoosiers showed us what they’re made of.

Got down 17- 6 to Nebraska in front of all those howling Cornhusker fans, and then got their mean on. Hoover hit the deep ball twice to Marsh, the defense decided to get relentless, and the Hoosiers gritted out a 20-17.

What that told everyone, or should have, that if you’re going to beat this Indiana team, you’d better step on ‘em and keep steppin’ on ‘em. You’d better kill ‘em dead, because they’re not going to stop coming after you until you do.

Which is why I think OSU wins today, but not by much. Say a touchdown. And IU will still be gettin’ after the Buckeyes when the clock hits zeroes.

I could be wrong, of course. I frequently am. 

But I don’t think so.

True Blue Crew

 Let’s hear it out there today for your Milwaukee Brewers, who are headed to the World Series after sweeping — sweeping! — the moneybags Los Angeles Dodgers in the NLCS last night.

Cleaned the Trolley Dodgers’ plate with a come-from-behind 6-4 win. Ruined, emphatically, the Moneybags’ bid for a Fall Classic three-peat. And became the first team since the beginning of time or whatever to sweep the team that swept them a year ago.

Here’s the best part, though: The True Blue Crew are headed to the World Series for the first time in 44 YEARS!

Yes, boys and girls, it’s true. The last (and only other) time the Brews played in the Fall Classic was in 1982. That was long ago Snapchat hadn’t been invented yet. Also smart phones, Face Thingy, Elon Musk, LeBron, Bad Bunny and most of the loons currently infesting the halls of Congress and our current Regime.

Know who was around then, though?

Saint Robin of Yount, as he’s known in  Milwaukee. Gorman Thomas. Paul Molitor. Lenny and Squiggy and Blatz beer and memories of 1957, when Lew Burdette and the Milwaukee Braves delivered the city’s only World Series title before departing for, ugh, Atlanta.

So here’s to ya, Brewers, and also to Milwaukee. Hasn’t been this much excitement in these parts since Al McGuire got his last technical over there at Marquette.

Fun, Part Deux

 (In which the Blob again flees Sportsball World for … ah, you know the rest)

So apparently dreams, even satirical ones, are nothing but dreams after all. 

This after President Donald John “Hey, Quit Hogging My Crazy” Trump pulled the plug on Secretary of War Pete “I Miss The Days Of Trebuchets” Hegseth’s scheme to televise Nidal Hasan’s execution by firing squad.

Donald John said, nah, not even we’re Stalinesque enough to do THAT. 

Too bad. I hear EA Sports had a new video game ready to launch, too. 

They were gonna call it “Grand Theft Call Of Duty Halo 12: Heart Shot.” Twelfth Century Pete himself was all set to narrate.

Fun for the whole family

 (In which the Blob again departs from Sportsball World to roam unfettered, and possibly naked, through the America of 2026. Hall passes available for all who request them.)

 Today the Blob introduces a new and possibly one-off feature, Which Parts Of This Are Real And Which Are Not. And, listen, it's not as easy to separate one from the other as it sounds.

But you make the call ...

Last night I dreamed the United States military was going to publicly execute a man in a wheelchair by firing squad.

(The man, Nidal Hasan, is the infamous Fort Hood spree shooter who murdered 13 people in cold blood and wounded 32 others back in 2009. He's probably got it coming.)

In any case, in my dream I read where this would be the U.S. military's first execution by firing squad since World War II. I also read it will be the first public execution in the United States since 1936, when a black man named Rainey Bethea was hanged in Owensboro, Ky. Thousands of people showed up to watch. They brought their kids. Vendors sold hotdogs.(1)

Now, I dreamed, we're going to do it again. Last week Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, a 12th-century humanoid mistakenly transported to 21st-century America, announced plans to livestream Hasan's demise.

"We'll make sure that people are able to watch it, that it's public, because people need to understand there's serious for these types of things," Hegseth told right-wing streaming network Real America's Voice, in my dream. "I encourage every American to tune in. Have watch parties. Grill up some burgers and 'dogs. It'll be fun for the whole family!" (2)

In my dream, Hegseth went on to say the Pentagon is negotiating not only with Real America's Voice but Fox News, Netflix and ESPN, "as long as they don't assign any of their woke commentators," he said.(3)

"Pat McAfee would be perfect," Hegseth said in my dream. "Heck, maybe we could get the whole College Gameday crew to come. They could invite Lee Corso back as a special guest and he could put on one of those mascot heads. Death's Head or 12th-Century Crusader Head? Which will Corso choose?

"It would be awesome!"

In my dream, I was then transported to the day of the execution. The cameras were rolling. The streamers were 'streamin'. Bon Jovi performed a soulful version of "Shot Through The Heart," and somehow Keith Jackson and John Madden were there.

"Whoaaa, Nelly!" Keith exclaimed as the shots rang out.

"One second he was alive, and then BOOM!" cried Madden, madly scribbling on his Telestrator.

And then I woke up ...

(Footnotes: "1" is real; "2" is real except for the last four quotes; "3" is not real, as is everything after it. At least as far as we know.)

"Oh, come on, Mr. Blob," you're saying now. "NONE of that is real. A public execution? In this day and age? Heck, the only part of your dream that's real is the part about the last public execution taking place in Kentucky in 1936. And it was the last one because there was a massive wave of revulsion about turning what should be a somber occasion into some sort of get-your-red-hots-here carnival sideshow. 

"We're a lot more civilized now. Aren't we?"