Last gasp-ing

 Some questions for this morning, as everyone in Bloomington, In., searches for the breath they ran out of last evening …

* Is Paddy McAteer the new Keith Smart?

* Will your Indiana Hoosiers score more than two touchdowns against Bye next week?

* Did someone mistakenly leave an extra numeral off the “4” in the Hoosiers’ ranking?

And the most intriguing question of all …

* Did the Bucket game just get a lot more interesting?

I say the last because the Minnesota team Indiana needed a 60-yard field goal and overtime to escape yesterday is the same Minnesota team Purdue trucked 41-13 less than a month ago. Yeah, the Boilermakers lost  31-17  at Penn State yesterday, but they’re obviously a much better football team than the tarpaper shack they’ve been the last couple of years.

During which they lost to Curt Cignetti’s Hoosiers 66-0 and 56-3. I’m guessing it won’t be quite the same annihilation this time around.

Because, yes, this is not the same Purdue team, but it’s not the same Indiana team, either. Fernando Mendoza is no longer there to save every day with a surgical strike to Elijah Sarratt or Omar Cooper Jr.; yesterday it was backup quarterback Grant Wilson who had to do that.

Wilson came on at halftime to relieve Josh Hoover, who as knocked out of the game after taking a brutal shot to his already-injured throwing arm. So when the Golden Gophers cashed a long field goal with 19 seconds to play, it was Wilson who trotted out to pull off a miracle.

Be honest now. Is there anyone out there, no matter how much cream and crimson was pumping through their veins, who didn’t think the Hoosiers were finished?

Well, they WEREN’T.  

Because here came Wilson, immediately winging a 31-yard strike to Charlie Becker. Then he escaped a collapsing pocket to find Nick Marsh. And when the drive stalled, here came McAteer to do his Keith Smart thing.

Not with a baseline jumper, though. Oh, hell, no.

This time Indiana was 60 yards away and done like disco. Except McAteer stepped up and blasted the football straight down the pipe as time expired to force overtime.

After which (of course!) Wilson immediately threw a touchdown pass to Becker. And the Indiana D sacked the Minnesota quarterback on fourth-and-goal from the 4 to end it.

Indiana 23, Minnesota 16. And another round of last gasp-ing from what’s apparently God’s favorite football team these days, Notre Dame notwithstanding.

Cignetti joked that his Hoosiers were just trying to be entertaining, seeing how it was Homecoming and all, but he surely knows this team isn’t championship material. They’ll likely move up to third after USC clotheslined No. 2 Ohio State last night, but objectively that’s a good deal more lofty address than they should be occupying.

However …

Now they’ve got a bye week to heal up. And to refocus. And it couldn’t come at a better time.

Because you know who the Hoosiers get in two weeks?

The same USC team that beat Ohio State last night.

In other words: Buckle up.

Everything must go, Part Deux

 Quenton Nelson is a Seahawk now. DeForest Buckner is a 49er. And now …

Now the fire sale continues in Indianapolis.

Next on the block seems to be wide receiver Josh Downs, who’s already hinted he wants no part of the Colts’ long-overdue teardown. Oh, and Pro Bowl running back Jonathan Taylor, which is no surprise either because everyone figured he’d the next piece the Colts would dangle in search of more draft picks for the rebuild. 

According to ESPN, Colts owner Carlie Irsay-Gordon isn’t particularly eager to deal Taylor, but she’s willing to do so for right price. And it’s not like there’s a dearth of suitors out there willing to pay the right price.

Teams that have reached out so far include Denver, Green Bay, Minnesota, the New York Giants and Seattle — who already picked up Nelson from the Colts’ flea market.

Of those, the Seahawks and Broncos would seem to make the most sense. 

Seattle dealt Super Bowl MVP Kenneth Walker III to the Chiefs in the offseason and now have a running back room led by journeyman Emmanuel Wilson and rookie Jadarian Price out of Notre Dame. Denver’s top back, meanwhile, is J.K.Dobbins, who has 293 yards on 87 carries, an extremely beige 3.3 yards per tote.

The Broncos’ next leading rusher?

Quarterback Bo Nix with 110 yards.

So, yeah, JT — No. 2 on the Colts alltime rushing list with 8,185 yards — would be a significant upgrade. And a boost for two teams that are in the thick of the playoff hunt; the defending Super Bowl champion Seahawks are 4-3 and in second place in the NFC West, while the Broncos are 5-2 and half-a-game out of first in the AFC West.

Then again …

Then again, the Giants (5-2)  are trying to hold off the Cowboys in the NFC East, and Josh Jacobs’ legal issues — he’s been accused of beating up multiple women — might have the surging Packers (5-3 after a 1-2 start) re-evaluating their running back situation.

In any event, it’s likely the Colts locker room will be a bit emptier in the near future. And the satchel of draft picks a bit heavier.

Stay tuned.

Law and odor

 So I’ve been reading all these posts on the Magic Social Media Bullpucky Machine about the 3-year-old soccer prodigy whose parents got the police called on them because they objected to their child being pulled out of the game every time he scored, and …

Sorry. Lemme catch my breath for a second.

Anyway, as I was saying, this 3-year-old, who was playing against kids two years older, was just running rings around his elders, never giving up the ball because no one could take it from him. Then he’d score and the league officials would take him out so the other kids could, you know, touch the ball once in awhile.

I understand this. I also understand why the parents of the 3-year-old were saying he was being penalized for being too good.

But to call the cops in on it?

This is where I side with the cops.

Imagining now how that call went …

“OK, so what’s the problem here.”

“This 3-year-old and his parents are causing a disturbance, officer.”

“In what way?”

“Well, they’re complaining because their kid’s too good and it’s not fair to our kids, so he gets taken out of the game when he scores — which is ALL THE DAMN TIME, by the way — and they’re raising a ruckus about it, even though it’s the right thing to—“

(Parents of 3-year-old interrupt)

“Not fair?? How is it fair for our child to be punished just because he’s kind of a soccer savant? Where’s he supposed to play, the English Premier League? He’s already playing with kids two years older!”

“Yeah, but …” 

“Yeah, but …”

(Officers look at one another. They’re thinking how come Briscoe and Greene never had to deal with stuff like this. They’re thinking how come they can’t get the kind of calls the Adam-12 guys used to get, or — heck — even that Erik Estrada dude on “CHIPS.”)

(Finally one of  them sighs)

“OK, OK. Let’s just calm down and discuss thi—“

“But it’s NOT FAIR!”

“But it’s NOT FAIR!”

(Officer finally loses it. Inner Lenny Briscoe takes the wheel)

“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE IT’S KID SOCCER! NOBODY CARES! THIS AIN’T THE WORLD CUP AND YOUR KID AIN’T LIONEL MESSI!”

(Pause. Looks at parents of  3-year-old)

“Well … maybe YOUR kid is. But that’s beside the point. And that point is, we’re done here.”

(Officers turn and head back to their patrol unit. Both sets of parents cry out loudly.

“Where are you going? Aren’t you going to do something? You’re supposed to protect and to serve!”

(First officer starts to reach for his nightstick. Second officer restrains him.)

“Easy, Barney. Remember what happened at that tee-ball brawl we had to break up …”

(Barney sighs)

“OK. But this sure ain’t ‘Law and Order.’ More like ‘Law and ODOR.”

(Second officer chuckles)

“You got THAT, right, brother.”

An awful receding

 Tough times this week in the Trek-inverse, with Pavel  Chekov departing this mortal coil at 90 and Jean-Luc Picard following him at 86. May they both have following winds and a star to guide them by for all eternity.

(And, yes, I know this is not a Sportsball World post. Grab a hall pass and vamoose if you so desire. This Trekkie has other things on which to cogitate this day.)

Anyway, Walter Koenig and Sir Patrick Stewart are gone now, taking big pieces of Trekkie shared memory with them. Who’s left to lay in a course for Kirk and Spock and the Originals now? How’s Data gonna know when to engage the warp drive without Captain Picard to say “Make it so”?

Here in the Blobosphere, it is the latter’s passing that lingers longest, no offense to Ensign Chekov. That’s because Sir Patrick reportedly died from Alzheimer’s and Lewy-body dementia, the latter of which I’m far too conversant with.

Eight years ago, see, my father died of Lewy-body. It is a mean, filthy bastard way to die, because it doesn’t just steal your life. First, it steals everything that made your life what it was. 

Those afflicted with it don’t so much die as … recede. I can’t think of a better word to describe the process. Little by little, what makes the afflicted who they are recedes from loved ones and the world, until all that is left is a shell entirely imprisoned within itself.

Eventually, at least in my father’s case, the afflicted seem to forget that they are even alive. They recede so far they literally forget how to eat. Which is why when my dad finally died, he was nothing but skin and bones.

Long before that, though, he was gone from us. It was a wound that remains in some form or fashion to this day.

Now, I don’t know if this is exactly how it happened with Sir Patrick, and with the many who loved him. Every circumstance is different. But what I do know is a life as full to the top as his, as crammed with joy and laughter and love and accomplishment, deserved far better than to drain away like grains of sand through the fingers.

In any case, he is gone now. As is Walter Koenig. May their memory be eternal, no matter how cruelly it might have been stolen.

National Fashion Loonies

 Word comes down now that Bears quarterback Caleb Williams has been fined again for a wardrobe violation, and all the Blob can say about that is … 

Well. The Blob doesn’t say anything about that. It just rolls its eyes and sighs. Again.

It does this because the acronym “NFL” doesn’t just stand for “National Football League,” or even “Not For Long.” Apparently it also stands for “National Fashion Loonies.”

They’re the kings of the Untucked Jersey Fine, these Loonies, as well as the lords of the Wrong-Color Shoes Fine, the Eyeblack Message Fine and, going way back, the Message On The Headband Fine (Hello, Jim McMahon!). 

They’re the Regulation Nazis who threatened to fine Colts quarterback Peyton Manning if he wore black high-tops to honor John Unitas, a Colts and NFL icon, when Unitas passed away. Sorry, Peyton. Those shoes are not league-approved. And Unitas is dead now, so it’s not like he’d know anyway.

Aye-yi-yi. The mindless conformity, it stings.

Which brings us back to Caleb Williams again.

Who’s been wearing a brand of cleats called Caddix since returning from a hamstring injury two weeks ago, because  Caddix makes an innovative cleat that rotates with a player’s movements and helps protect his lower-body joints. The NFL now has fined Williams close to $36,000 for wearing them.

His crime: Failing to properly cover up the logo. 

No, really. I’m not making this up.

See, the NFL has licensing deals with just three apparel providers — Nike, Adidas and UnderArmour. If a player chooses to wear a different brand, he must cover up the logo. 

It’s a money deal, after all. And we all know how the NFL loves its money deals. 

Here’s the thing, though: If the NFL really was as concerned about player safety as it claims to be, wouldn’t it simply tell Williams, “We’re all for equipment that minimizes injury, but cover up the logo next time”? What’s the point of fining a guy five figures unless you’re  A) far more interested in protecting your chunky apparel deal than player safety, or B) just being as numbingly hive-minded as any other corporate monolith? 

Questions I suppose will never get answered, alas.

The price of success

 The Atlanta Dream keep running into scheduling conflicts in the WNBA Finals, proof once again that the WNBA is a joke of a league and only still alive because of Caitlin Clark, the only player anyone comes to see.

Or …

Or it’s more proof that the WNBA is more than just CC, no matter how crucial she’s been to the league’s viability and elevated profile.

I say this because even though the Dream wasn’t farsighted enough to book the 17,000-plus seat State Farm Arena ahead of time in case the Dream made the Finals, the fact they needed the facility at all is illuminating.

What it illuminates is, in spite of the haters who tell us the WNBA can’t draw without Caitlin in the building, the Finals are drawing without Caitlin in the building. That’s why the sixth game of the Finals between the Dream and the Golden State Valkyries is being played at 12:30 this afternoon.

The NBA Hawks, see, have State Farm booked for a home game. And in spite of Title IX and the advances women’s sports have made since the caveman days of the early 1970s, a nothing men’s game in October still trumps a women’s Finals game.

“The Dream have another arena,” you’re saying now. “Why aren’t they playing there?”

Because it only seats 3,000 or so. And (yes, even without Caitlin) the home Finals games in Atlanta are drawing good-gobs more than that.

Every Finals game in Atlanta, see, has sold out State Farm Arena. Yes, all 17,000-plus seats. Ditto for the games at Golden State, where the Valkyries play in the 18,000-seat Chase Center. 

So I guess you can call what’s happening today the price of success. Whether the haters want to acknowledge it or not.

Brew rule

 I don’t care what you say, ya party poopers. Bob Uecker was in the front roooowww last night,  and that’s all there is to it.

Yeah, sure, you couldn’t see him down there in Tampa, but that is the way of things ethereal. He was there, holding an incorporeal Miller Lite.  He was in the visitors clubhouse, trying to touch the Big Trophy with an invisible hand. Thankfully, an incorporeal Eddie Mathews (1931-2001) was there to stop him.

“Better not, Ueck,” the ghost of Eddie whispered. “You never had the best hands, you know.”

But they were there, the two of them, and who knows, maybe the joint pwas crowded with the ghosts of old Milwaukee Braves and Brewers (And old Seattle Pilots! Hell, yeah, Jim Bouton) as these new-age Brewers beat the Tampa Bay Rays 4-1 to win the World Series first time in franchise history.

The Brewers Crew did it in style, too, sweeping the moneybags Dodgers in the NLCS and nearly sweeping the Rays in the Series. Only a walk-off single in the bottom of the 12th in Game 4 saved the Rays from the Dodgers’ fate.

Otherwise, it was all Brewers, who had the best record in baseball in the regular season and then showed everyone why by going 11-2 in the playoffs and wining eight straight at one point.

This was a team of young, hungry, impeccably disciplined players, who never took an at-bat off and were relentless in their approach. They were simply a joy to watch.

In which case raise a Blatz, if you’ve got one, to the Brewers and the city they represent. It’s been a long time — 69 years — since Milwaukee got to celebrate a World Series championship, and then it was the Braves. The Brewers had never won one, not in 56 summers.

Or 57, if you count the one season they were the Seattle Pilots. And why not? 

That was 1969, the year Jim Bouton immortalized the Pilots in “Ball Four.” And so, yeah, raise a glass, too, to Bouton and Gerry McNertney and Gary Bell. To Don Mincher and Merritt Ranew and Diego Segui. To Steve Hovley and Tommy Harper and of course Joe Schultz, the Pilots manager who told his boys to pound that Budweiser after every rare Pilots win.

No doubt an incorporeal Joe (1918-1996) is pounding a Budweiser at this very moment.

Or, in deference to Milwaukee, a Blatz. You betcha.