The great unanswerable

 People who know what I did for a living for four decades ask me questions now, and almost always they come away disappointed. This is because they assume I know all things Sportsball, and frankly I don't. 

Exhibit A: What happened the other day.

"So, the Colts," someone said, or words to that effect. "What do you think? Are they any good?"

"Beats me," I replied.

I said that not because I didn't want to talk about the Colts, but because it honestly beats me. I don't know if they're any good or not. I suspect they're OK when healthy, which they're not at the moment. But by "OK", I mean, "No one's going to pick them to go to the Super Bowl, unless they live in London and don't know bad American football from good American football."

London, after all, is where the Colts beat the Commanders 30-13 yesterday, which wasn't exactly a monumental achievement but might have looked like it to the Brits natives. ("By Jove, these Colts are world-beaters!" I imagine them saying). The Commanders, after all, are beat up and pretty crummy right now. Yesterday they were down to their third quarterback, someone named Athan Kaliakmanis -- or, as he was known to most viewers, "Who the hell is THAT?"

"That" turned out to be a seventh-round draft pick from Rutgers, not exactly a football power. He's 23 years old. He's got a great smile, which he showed off more than once yesterday. This is because, as a seventh-round pick, he likely didn't expect to be playing in a real live NFL game anytime soon.

But Marcus Mariota got hurt, and Jayden Daniels remains sidelined with a dislocated elbow, so here came Athan. He wasn't bad: 15-of-33, 186 yards, one touchdown and one pick. And even though he lost big,  his QBR was actually better than that of his Colts counterpart Daniel Jones, who put up more beige numbers in what so far has been a beige year for him.

Jones completed 19-of-34 passes for 143 yards. He threw no touchdown passes and one fairly awful pick.

Not that it was all his fault, mind you. He's still recovering from the Achilles injury that knocked him onto the sidelines last year. And his receiver corps banged up, too; his top target yesterday was backup wideout Laquon Treadwell, who caught five balls for 42 yards.

In the end, the Colts won because they said, "Well, screw this," and handed the ball to Jonathan Taylor, who ran for 85 yards and two scores on 20 carries. So now they're 2-2 with back-to-back wins over Houston and Washington, which sounds great until you realize Houston and Washington are a combined 1-7.

Therefore the question remains the great unanswerable for now.

 Are the Colts any good?

Beats me.

The glory of fall

 October came in this weekend as mellow sunlight in a blue dome of sky, and a flannel-shirt breeze, and a farmer's market hawking pumpkins and squash and sourdough bread and the last peppers of the season.

It came in with  playoff baseball (Go, you White Sox!), and winter peeking around the corner when you surfed the remote and there were the by-god Chicago Blackhawks playing the by-god Buffalo Sabres, and college football -- the very voice of fall --  everywhere, everywhere, 

It was lying on the couch in the aforementioned flannel shirt, watching Minnesota beat Michigan at home for the first time in half a century, then seeing one of the oldest rivalry keepsakes in the game  (the Little Brown Jug) tossing on a sea of gold-and-maroon.

It was watching Missouri finally win a big one, flambe-ing No. 8 Florida a week after Florida flambe-d then No. 4 Ole Miss. It was Indiana over Rutgers big; Ohio State over Iowa big; Purdue beating Illinois in Champaign; Notre Dame winning in the rain in North Carolina.

Alabama crushed Mississippi State in Starkville, suggesting it might be ALABAMA! again. Air Force beat Navy in a service-academy game. And of course the alma mater, dear old Ball State, lost at home to Toledo, but at least put up a fight this time.

The glory of fall is all of that.

The glory of fall is 63 degrees that feels like 58, and maroon and orange and neon yellow in the trees, and the Minnesota student section becoming the Missouri student section becoming the student section of every football school in America celebrating its undiluted youth on a perfect afternoon.

"Wow. You sure red-lined the old Maudlin Meter with this one," you're saying now.

Yeah, well. Sometimes I just can't help myself. 

A fair shake?

 Your Cleveland Browns are now 3-1 after edging Pittsburgh 27-24 on Thursday night, and now everyone's wondering if the Browns are actually good or just, you know, playing the usual cruel tricks on their ever-suffering fan base.

It was a game in which a lot of stuff happened -- including Steelers head coach Mike McCarthy getting caught calling his quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, a "(bleeping) (bleep)hole," for which he profusely apologized even though, let's face it, he wasn't wrong. Meanwhile, Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson once again played effectively, completing 24-of-33 passes for 268 yards and a touchdown.

It continued Watson's brisk start to the season, during which he's thrown for 855 yards and six touchdowns in four games. It also continued some folks' attempt to sell this as some sort of half-assed redemption story, which is absurd if not exactly surprising given the national zeitgeist these days. 

Watson, see, was sued by 20-plus women between 2021 and 2024 for sexual misconduct during massage sessions, which suggests at the very least that the guy has a problem keeping his hands (and perhaps other appendages) to himself. In the midst of all that, the Browns handed him a ginormous stack of money to come play for them. This is because, well, they're the Browns. 

Then he got hurt. Now he's returned, a "comeback" which Prime broadcasters Al Michael and Kirk Herbstreit treated with what seemed undue sympathy.

Rational people, of course, would suggest the sympathy was misplaced, because Watson was solely responsible for derailing his own career. Framing his current success as something inspiring -- Hey, he made some mistakes, but he's a generally good guy who hung in there despite his travails-- therefore seemed a trifle ...

I was going to say "obscene."  But I'm not unreasonable. I'll settle for "distasteful."

No, obscene is closer to what President Donald John Trump said the other day, on the subject of the Cornell 7.

Now, unless you've been living on Tom Hanks' island in "Castaway" lately, you know this story: A young woman and former Cornell student has sued seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity for gang-raping her a couple of years ago.

 The suit alleges that seven Chi Phis took advantage of a drunk 20-year-old, dosed her with fetanyl, and spent the next seven or so hours having their way with her. One of the entitled little snots even sent out text messages to his fellow frat bros that there was "free p****" available and to come join in.

What's remarkable about that (or not), is that none of the fellow frat bros responded by saying "What the HELL??"  There were 57 of them, and not one tried to put a stop to it. Not ... a single ... one.

Who's raising these kids? What kind of twisted values are they being taught? And who's doing the teaching?

I'll tell you who.

The broadcasters trying to suggest Deshaun Watson's journey is a redemptive one, as if his troubles were not well-deserved. And the aforementioned President of the United States, who the other day said he feared the Cornell 7 wouldn't get a "fair shake" because the lead prosecutor in the upcoming criminal proceedings is Letitia James, whom Fearless Leader has been mad at since she dared to prosecute his corrupt ass in New York.

A "fair shake"?

One wonders what kind of fair shake F.L. thinks that young woman got when the Cornell 7 allegedly treated her like a piece of meat on that dark endless night. Hey, guys! Free p****!

Now that's obscene.

So is what Kirk Herbstreit contended on Thursday.

"You want the fans to get behind you, and that goes for pretty much any market," Herbie said to Michaels. "This is an extreme case because of what you laid out with Deshaun Watson, but if you convert third downs, you hit passes, you lead this team to victories, those boos turn into cheers."

And what was obscene about that?

He was absolutely right.

Sports vs. Dummies

 OK, so, I wasn't going to write about this. Hand to God.

I wasn't going to write about a certain senator from Missouri (Eric Schmitt, R-Nitwit) trying to  catch special prosecutor Jack Smith in a lie by claiming he was at an Atlanta Hawks home game on such-and-such a date. Oops! Turns out Smith was actually in Maryland at a Terps women's game against Caitlin Clark's Iowa Hawkeyes.

Which is why Smith seemed honestly puzzled when Schmitt -- who was in full sanctimony mode, calling Smith a "dirtbag" who'd just been caught perjuring himself -- brought up the Hawks game. To put it more bluntly, he looked at Schmitt like he had two heads.

Both of them apparently empty.

(A brief aside: This all happened during the Republicans' attempt to paint President Donald John "I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Birthin' No Attempted Insurrections" Trump as the persecuted victim of a vindictive Smith and the Department of Justice vis-a-vis January 6. It's apparently part of a more general scheme to present Fearless Leader as a martyr to the cause, and to recast January 6 as just a group of high-spirited lads getting a bit out of hand on a tour of the Capitol building.)

Anyway ...

Anyway, the whole Hawks/Hawkeyes thing has made a laughingstock of Sen. Schmitt on social media, and reminds the Blob of one of its basic principles: That politicians should be extremely skittish about entering Sportsball World, because it hardly ever ends well.

I wasn't going to write about this because I've written about it a dozen times. But since the Hawks/Hawkeyes memes refuse to die (and are frankly hilarious), here goes again. 

You know why politicians should be extremely skittish about entering Sportsball World?

Because most of them don't know jack doody about it.

Oh, this isn't always the case. Among presidents in particular, Richard Nixon was a devoted and informed follower of pro football. George W. Bush actually owned the Texas Rangers for a  bit, so he knew baseball. Barack Obama knew his White Sox and his hoops, and even Fearless Leader seems to know his Knicks, although his advancing senility makes it increasingly difficult to determine what he knows about much of anything.

Those, however, are the exceptions.

The rule?

The rule is Hillary Clinton, a lifelong Cubs fan, donning a New York Yankees cap while running for the Senate in New York. No true Cubs fan would ever be caught dead wearing a Yankees cap. You'd think Hillary would have known this, but, nah.

And how about John Kerry shouting "Go, Buckeyes!" in an Ohio-Michigan border town that was, um, resolutely Michigan Wolverines territory?

That went well.

Of course, it doesn't just stop with individual gaffes. Congress has decided to go Sportsball World meddling with such measures as the Protection of Women and Girls in Sports Act, an anti-transgender measure that addresses the virtually non-existent issue (i.e., fewer than 10 transgender athletes among 510,000 in NCAA sports) of  male transgenders competing in women's sports.

And then there's Congress' attempt to regulate college sports, which just passed the Senate with overwhelming support. Allegedly it's intended to regulate the currently lawless landscape of big-boy college sports, which ain't a bad idea. But in its present form it mostly seems to protect the  bidness of college sports by imposing almost all of its restrictions on the "student-athletes" while conferring antitrust protections on the schools and conferences. 

Oh, the kids will still get their NIL dough. But the measure currently headed to the House would put a cap on it, because the schools are adamant that something must be done to curtail their skyrocketing costs. Meanwhile, the proposed law would impose no such ceiling on coaches' salaries, so they'll still be paid like CEOs instead of the educators they purport to be. 

Speaking of, you know, curtailing skyrocketing costs.

(The Blob has addressed this issue, too, by the by. You want college sports to become college sports again? Fine. Pay Coach Slobberknocker like any other member of the faculty and require him to teach a history class. Restore freshmen ineligibility so your "student-athletes" can spend at least one year focused on their classes and not their NIL portfolios. And negotiate TV deals that put scheduling back in the university's hands and not ESPN's.)

But enough about that. We've strayed a bit off-topic here -- the topic being politicians consistently starring in episodes of "Sports vs. Dummies."

Eric Schmitt being only the latest example.

Upside down

 Now comes October, the month of ghosts and goblins and nature ablaze, and already it is both spectacular and strange. Rude Christmas has shoved its way onstage two months early, speaking of strange. And speaking of spectacular, in our neighborhood the tree by which I mark autumn's advance has gone orange and red.

Spectacular and strange. Which I guess covers this, on October 1: The Cubs are done playing baseball, and the White Sox aren't.

Who saw that coming, way back in April?

Who saw the Cubs, who've made the playoffs six times and won a World Series in the last decade, bowing out before the White Sox, who were coming off three straight 100-loss seasons?

It's all a journey to the upside-down from "Stranger Things," and mostly the Sox are the culprits. No one figured the Pale Hose, who lost a modern-day record 121 games two seasons ago and followed it with a 106-loss season in 2025, would make an astonishing 24-game improvement and miss winning their division by one measly game. And then go on to sweep the Houston Astros in the wild-card round.

But that's what happened.

Won the opener of the three-game set 6-3, the Sox did. Clinched the sweep yesterday with a 7-3 win. Outscored the 'Stros 13-6 and raked Houston pitching for 19 hits in the two games.

Meanwhile, the Cubs ...

Ay-yi-yi.

Lost the first game out in San Diego 8-0, managing just three hits. Lost the clincher last night 4-1, managing just five more. So in two games, MLB's scoring-est team was outscored 12-1 on just eight hits. 

Even worse: The top of the Cubs order -- Pete Crow-Armstrong, Alex Bregman, Matt Busch and Seiya Suzuki -- were a combined 2-for-27 in the wild card. And PCA and Bregman, the table-setters, were a combined 0-for-14.

Oh, my.

Anyway ....

Anyway, off the northsiders go, despite having won a combined 181 games the last two seasons. And on the southsiders go, despite having lost a combined 180 games in the same span.

October the spectacular. October the strange.

Da Flubs

 Well, that was some kinda Creature Feature.

Your Chicago Cubs didn't get started in their wild-card opener against San Diego until 10 o'clock EDT last night, on account of it was out in San Diego. Which was good if you were a Cubs fan who struggles to make past 10:30 or 11 most nights, and bad if were a night-owl Cubs fan.

Remember back in the day, when one of your local TV stations always aired some ancient horror flick late on Saturday nights?

Every other week, or so it seemed, it was "The Blob," starring a young Steve McQueen. Last night it was also "The Blob," only it starred the Cubs, who mostly just sat there like ... well, like a blob.

Final score from the west coast: Padres 8, Cubs 0.

Number of hits managed by the northsiders, who led the majors in runs scored: Three.

Number of Cub strikeouts against Padres starter Michael King and the Pads bullpen: 11.

It was the first time in 132 seasons the Cubs had been shut out in a playoff game, and it was hardly what anyone expected from Pete Crow-Armstrong and Alex Bregman, or from Matt Busch and Seiya Suzuki, either. Those four, the top of the Cubs' order, were a robust 1-for-13 on the night. PCA and Bregman struck out five times between them. The Padres, on the other hand, raked Chicago pitching for 13 hits. 

All of this makes Game 2 of the three-game wild-card series a must-win for the Bearcubs, and maybe the urgency of the moment will cause their bats to awaken. And maybe pigs will fly, perform barrel rolls and land at O'Hare on slow days, too.

"That's just mean!" you're saying now. " Come on, have some faith!"

Well ... OK. But transforming Da Flubs back into the Da Cubs is gonna take some doing.

Gordie

 Gordon Johncock died yesterday in the full measure of 90 years, and there goes another piece of IndyCar's golden years. There was Gordie and A.J. and Mario and J.R. and Bobby and Al and luckless Lloyd Ruby, and don't forget  McCluskey and McElreath and Donohue and Dallenbach, too.

Those were the days, as someone once said. That was the cast that sucked in a skinny kid with Coke bottle glasses, and holds him fast to this day.

That kid was me, of course, who became an Indianapolis 500 nerd because of Gordie 'n' them, and remains one here in late autumn of my years. It is ridiculous, how cluttered my brain is with geeky morsels from that race and that time. And so I can tell you a few things about Gordon Johncock, gone now to his reward.

I can tell you he was the quiet one from the rookie class of 1965 at Indy, the one that contained Mario and Al and Joe Leonard and sports car star Masten Gregory, and six other rookies. Gordie was driving one of only three front-engine roadsters that year, as the rear-engine revolution reached flood tide. But he finished fifth, behind Jim Clark in his rear-engine Lotus Ford and Parnelli Jones in his rear-engine Kuzma-Lotus Ford and Mario in his rear-engine Brawner Ford and Al Miller in his rear-engine Lotus Ford.

The next year, Gordie was wheeling a rear-engine car, too, on his way to a 26-year career that would see him win 25 champ car races and the 1976 champ car title. Along the way, eight years after '65, he had the bad luck to win the 500 no one wants to remember.

That was the 57th running in 1973, which took three days to run because of rain, killed crewman Armando Teran and driver Swede Savage, and was finally put out of its misery by more rain after 133 laps. It was a pinnacle moment Johncock likely couldn't properly celebrate, because no one did. Everyone was just glad it was over.

Which makes 1982 a redemption of sorts for the little guy from Hastings, Mich., 35 miles northeast of Kalamazoo.

See, Gordie won the 500 that year, too, and this time it was memorable for all the right reasons. Who could forget the last 10 laps, when Rick Mears kept getting closer and closer while Gordie used every bit of his considerable skill to stay in front of him?

By the last lap, Mears was on him like white on rice, but somehow Gordie held him off. Took the checkers 0.16 seconds in front, the closest finish ever to that point.

I was there that day, weirdly, as a civilian, because usually I was there as a member of the working press. Across four decades, it was one of only two 500s I didn't cover for one newspaper or another.

What I remember, hazily, are those last ten laps, and how that distinctive Indy 500 surf-sound of the crowd got louder and louder with every one. Made me fall in love with Indy and the month of May all over again.

So thanks for that, Gordie. And for everything else of which you were a part.