FIFA gonna FIFA

 The rules are clear, and the penalties severe.

-- Former IHSAA commissioner Gene Cato

You're darn tootin', Commissioner Cato, God rest your soul.

In eight humble words you laid out succinctly what law and order means in Sportsball World, and whether you came up with the words yourself or swiped them from someone else doesn't matter, at least to me.  You're the guy I'll always associate with them.

The rules are clear, and the penalties severe. Yessir.

Except ...

Except now here comes FIFA, the international ruling body for soccer, to say, "Weeelll ..."

Remember last week, when USMNT star Folarin Balogun was red-carded for cleating a Bosnian player in the round of 32?

FIFA declared him automatically suspended for the Americans' round of 16 match against Belgium, because that's the penalty for a red card. There would be no appeal, FIFA said. Balogun was out.

Altogether now: Weeelll ...

Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, FIFA announced Balogun was NOT suspended. Well, he was, but the suspension was being suspended for a year. So tonight he'll take the pitch for the stars-and-stripes after all.

Befuddlement, bumfuzzlement and bewildered outrage (from the Belgians, justifiably) followed. And on the heels of that, resigned acknowledgment of international soccer's basic reality.

Which is, FIFA gonna FIFA.

It's the master of the reversed course, among other things. Several of which are, how shall we put it, openly corrupt.

 You'll be unsurprised, for instance, to learn the Balogun reversal apparently followed a phone call from President Donald John "Let Me Insert Myself Into Stuff That's None Of My Business" Trump. Donald John asked FIFA president Gianni Infantino if FIFA could perhaps review the Balogun matter. Infantino, of course, has been shamelessly smooching the presidential hindparts for months. And so ...

Well. Far be it from me to declare cause-and-effect here. Far be it from me, also, to suggest there might have been threats (You gotta real nice World Cup here. Be a shame if something happened to it) and/or out-and-out bribes involved. Probably not -- but considering who we're talking about, you're certainly allowed to wonder.

And this Balogun business?

You're allowed, also, to be conflicted about that, because the red card he was issued was a horrible call. So if you're looking at the world through red-white-and-blue glasses, FIFA's reversal was simply justice being served. It even had precedence: Last fall Portguese icon Cristiano Ronaldo got a three-match sitdown for elbowing an opponent in the head, but FIFA decided to suspend two of them so Ronaldo wouldn't miss Portugal's World Cup opener. 

And yet ...

And yet: The rules are clear, and the penalties severe.

Except when they're not.

Except when one of the World Cup host countries is involved, and it's pouring Niagaras of cash into FIFA's pockets, and backroom dealing is that organization's preferred business model.

To retierate: FIFA gonna FIFA. And did, apparently.

Hotdoggery

 I managed to scarf down two hotdogs (with relish and mustard) yesterday on our nation's 250th birthday, which means I did my patriotic duty, I suppose. It also means I came up 64 'dogs short of Joey Chestnut, Indiana native and the Michael Jordan/Babe Ruth/Tom Brady of competitive eaters.

Chestnut won his 18th Famous Nathan's Hotdog Eating Contest by shoving 66 'dogs and buns down his gullet, and they really ought to just retire the belt. He beat the field by 16, and it doesn't seem as if anyone's going to remotely challenge him in the near future.

I do wonder something, though, besides the fact only in America do we have something so bizarre and clueless as eating contests. The significant chunk of the world that's starving must regard it as such, anyway.

No, I just wonder what Joey's digestive tract must have felt like after the 66-'dog invasion. Especially because it was dryer-vent weather yesterday in New York, with a high of 93 under an equatorial sun, and a heat index of 105 or so.

So perhaps it's just my imagination, but I didn't think Joey looked all that triumphant standing there in the sun. He managed a smile when they presented him with the Nathan's belt, and even raised his fist to the crowd. But mostly he looked like a guy who was about to ralph.

On the other hand, appearances can sometimes deceive. Maybe he was just digesting.

The meek (almost) inherit

 Let's hear it today for plucky little Cape Verde, and fierce little Paraguay, and, heck, all the underdogs out there on a weekend that, in a sense, is a celebration of underdogs.

After all, who were those plucky 13 colonies if not the underdogs of underdogs?

Whipped the greatest army on the planet thanks to the French and the bullheadedness of George Washington, who'd never admit he was beaten even when he was beaten. Finally Lord Cornwallis, the big dope, got himself penned up at Yorktown, and the British said, "Ah, to hell with it" and went home.

The Cape Verdeans and Paraguays didn't quite manage that. But they sure made the royalty sweat, just like Washington 'n' them.

The Verdeans, tiniest nation in the tournament and this World Cup's most heartwarming story, were supposed to get crushed by Lionel Messi and Argentina after reaching the knockout phase in their very first World Cup. Instead the Blue Sharks were tied 2-2 with the Argentinians at the end of regulation and stoppage time, and didn't fall until the 111th minute, when Cristiano Romero's header glanced off Verdean defender Diney Borges for the 3-2 winner.

It was a wrenching way to lose, but had it not happened, the match could have easily progressed to PKs. And who knows what happens then, because PKs are an absolute lottery.

In any case, Cape Verde did their teensy island nation proud, coming thisclose to pulling off what would have been one of history's greatest upsets. Think the Miracle on Ice and you're on the right track.

 And Paraguay?

It had no chance against France's offensive juggernaut, but it roughnecked its way to a 0-0 tie until Kylian Mbappe (who else?) untied it in the 70th minute. The French survived on that lone score, 1-0, and everyone from Le Havre to Marseille likely expelled a shaky breath of relief.

So good on both of them, the Blue Sharks and the La Albirroja of Paraguay may not have inherited the earth, but it was a good two days for the meek, anyway. Raise a glass.

American Reset

 The other day someone I'm close to called the American flag a "MAGA flag."

Pretty much sums up where we are as a nation on our 250th birthday, doesn't it?

We are America the fissured, America the appropriated, America the For Me But Not For Thee. Patriotism is defined by the harshest and most clueless voices; as William Butler Yeats observed, "The best lack all conviction while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

And, yes, some people look at the American flag and think of it as a MAGA flag, because that species of American has wrapped itself in it and covered their front lawns with it and turned it into hideous sports jackets and sparkly Spandex and who knows what all.

The great irony, of course, is that those who most loudly (and garishly) proclaim their lover for 'Merica are frequently those who understand it the least. They have claimed if for their own, yet are vandals of its history. What they know of it is only what our current Vandal-In-Chief tells them -- and never mind his own famously tenuous grasp of the American story.

Enough. On this Independence Day, I'm declaring my independence from all of that. I'm going to take my small American flag and put it on the lamppost, and I don't give a tinker's damn what anyone thinks that says about me. 

Because it's not about their smug assumptions. Nor is it about the arrogance of the vandal/patriots and their haughty claims that only they know who is a Real American and who is not.

To hell with all of them, and to hell with their ignorance. It's not for them I'm putting out that humble little American flag today.

I'm doing it for John Adams and Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin and James Madison, with whom I share a birthday.

I'm doing it for the men who launched this great experiment, which has somehow survived 250 years despite its contradictions and moral conundrums and its occasionally cotton-headed leaders.

I'm doing it for Harlon Block and Ira Hayes and Michael Strank; for Franklin Sousley and Harold Schultz and Harold Keller. They're the six men who raised the flag on Iwo Jima. Three of them never made it off the island.

I'm doing it for all of those who never made it off their own islands in defense of America, and for those who did but who remain there in heart and mind. I'm doing it for the 1st Minnesota at Gettysburg, for the 101st Airborne at Bastogne, for the Marines who took Belleau Wood. For Bloody Nose Ridge on Peleliu ... and Bloody Lane at Antietam ... and LZ X-Ray in the Ia Drang valley.

Who else am I doing it for?

I'm doing it for John Glenn and Gus Grissom and Gordo Cooper. For Alan Shepard and Wally Schirra and Malcolm Scott Carpenter. For Borman, Lovell and Anders ... and Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins ... for all the star voyagers, past and present, who've gone into space wearing an American flag patch, and who sometimes died wearing it.

I'm doing it for the strivers, the entrepreneurs and the smartest people in the room, all of whom came from somewhere else. For Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse and Tecumseh and Little Turtle, who did not. For the Irish and Italians and Germans and Eastern Europeans -- and, yes, for the Somalis, the Haitians, the Hondurans, the Venezuelans, on and on. 

To say one group or other doesn't belong here misses the entire point of that flag and the  country it represents -- even if at one time or another some of the most ardent flag-wavers have said it about all of them.

Today I put out that flag not for them, and not for the distortion of America they represent. I'm putting it out there to honor the America that has survived them and untold other idiots for two-and-a-half centuries. I'm putting it out there not only for the Great Experiment, but for the Great American Reset it has always made possible.

Happy Fourth, everyone. Enjoy the beer, the hotdogs and the potato salad, and try not to blow off any appendages.

Conspiracy bleary

 I've had it, people. There's your public service announcement for today.

I am fed up with being fed up, disgusted with being disgusted, sick to death of being sick to death. And if I roll my eyes one more time, it will fulfill my mother's prophecy that if I'm not careful my face will freeze that way.

As Madeleine Kahn put it in "Blazing Saddles": Let's face it, I'm tired.

What I'm mainly tired of is how everything has to be a big deal these days, even (or especially) the little deals. Everything is a GREAT BIG FAT CONSPIRACY to take down America, make war on Christianity and inflict upon us electric cars, kale and the heartbreak of psoriasis. 

I jest, of course. But conspiracy theories have made me conspiracy weary.

Mostly this is just the times in which we live; just look at what's coming out of the conspiracy-kookiest administration in American history, if American history itself isn't a conspiracy against America with all its talk of slavery and such. The sheer idiocy will make you want to go lie down somewhere.

(For instance, have you seen what our very own Sen. Jim "If Trump Says The Moon Is Made Of Ice Cream, Then By God It Must Be" Banks and the rest of the hysteria crew are going on about? It's New York's mayor, Zohran Mandami, asking -- not ordering; asking --residents to dial up their AC a couple of degrees and not waste electricity to avoid blowing the power grid during the current heat wave. Reasonable request, right? Nah. Senator Jimbo 'n' them called it insane and COMMUNISM! and who knows what all.) 

Where was I again?

Oh, yeah. On to my main point ("About time!" you're saying), which is something that has pushed me over the edge the last few days.

It's this notion that the WNBA is anti-white and anti-heterosexual because the mean girls in the league supposedly are all black and gay. This supposedly is why the entire league is out to get poor Caitlin Clark, who is neither.

You think I'm kidding? I'm not kidding. That 's actually a thing now. It's so crazy it'll drive you crazy, as it almost has me.

It's being framed, of course, by the usual suspects employing the slickest of their magic tricks, which is that white folk (and especially white Christian folk!) are the new persecuted class. As if the levers of power in this country aren't firmly in the hands of that exact demographic.

Our Caitlin, though, is being picked on because she's white and hetero, and the league is secretly all for it. This despite the fact she herself thinks it's ridiculous, and that she was just named as an All-Star starter -- for the third straight year -- in a vote by players, media and fans.

"But ... but what about Alyssa Thomas, one of those black lesbian thugs, getting only a one-game suspension for punching Caitlin in the throat and kneeing her in the groin?" you're asking now.

What about it? Yes, Thomas should have gotten more than a game. But if you watch the incident in real time, it's a scrum for a loose ball, with arms and legs flailing everywhere. At the end of which Thomas plants her fist on Clark's neck to push herself up. In slow-motion it looks intentional; in real time, quite a bit less so.

(That whole slo-mo-vs.-real-time thing, by the way, played into USMNT World Cup star Folarin Balogun getting red-carded the other night. The VAR system shows infractions in still photos and slow motion, which indeed makes it look as if Balogun deliberately cleated Bosnia's Tarik Muharemovic in the back of the leg. In real time, however, it just looks like two players getting their legs tangled up trying to play the ball. Surely not a red card infraction in a game that was on the physical side.)

Anyway ...

Anyway, Thomas was suspended, and also was subjected to a bunch of racist garbage from the aforementioned usual suspects. And when WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert and Indiana Fever coach Stephanie White (who is gay) properly said that was unacceptable, the usual suspects said, see, there they go again. The lesbian league is sticking up for the lesbians and not poor Caitlin.

In so doing, of course, they gave away the magic trick: By calling out what they see as racism and bigotry, they reveal their own while trying to conceal it. As in: We don't like lesbians, and especially black lesbians. But look who THEY don't like. 

And Caitlin Clark?

She gets knocked around a lot for sure. But as the Blob has pointed out before, it's mostly because A) WNBA officiating is appallingly bad, and B) teams have figured out playing Clark physically can throw her off her game, both mentally and otherwise.

They're not doing it because she's white and hetero, no matter what the fake outrage crowd says; if that were the case, Sabrina Ionescu, who's also white and hetero, would be getting knocked around a lot, too. But she's not -- at least anymore than anyone else in a league that has allowed itself to become overly physical.

Of course, the Great Big Fat Conspiracy society probably has an explanation for that, too. They always do.

Today in nuptuality

 The word is Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are getting hitched tomorrow night in Madison Square Garden, and, man, I am jacked. Celebrity weddings always make me cry.

And by "make me cry", I mean, "Make me cry 'Holy crap, how much did THAT cost??'"

And by "THAT", I mean the fanfare trumpeters dressed as 17th century lords, the solid gold coach pulled by four horses bred from Secretariat's DNA, and of course the miniature Lake Como, complete with swans.

Now, I don't know if Tay and Trav will have any of those in MSG. But since it's MSG, I do wonder if Trav will complete the nuptualities with a ceremonial dunk.

I also wonder some other things ...

* Will Tay sing at her own wedding?

(I'm guessing no. But if so, I suggest "We're Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" as a final shot at all her previous boyfriends.)

* What will the cake look like?

(I'm guessing a painstakingly faithful recreation of Arrowhead Stadium as big as a Tournament of Roses parade float.)

* Will there be tiny figures of Tay in Spandex and Trav in his Chiefs jersey on top? 

(Please. Like you even have to ask that?)

* Will Tay's dress have a train so long it ties up traffic out on 33rd Street?

(Nah. Manhattan traffic's bad enough as it is, and consequently it would just piss off a lot of New Yorkers. And you never want to piss off New Yorkers.)

* Will the groomsmen hang a "Just Married" sign on the back of the gold coach, and tie empty PBR cans to it? 

(Oh, come on. PBR? Guinness talboys, maybe. Or special edition Cristal-In-A-Can.)

* Since it's MSG, will Spike Lee get to sit in his usual courtside seat, and will Caitlin Clark show up?

(No on both counts. But if Caitlin's there, I figure Alyssa Thomas or Chennedy Carter will run out and knock her down, just out of habit.)

And last but not least ...

* Will Patrick Mahomes be the ring boy? Will Jake from State Farm be a good neighbor? Will Jason Kelce wear pants?

(Answers: No ... of course ... maybe.)

(At least initially.)

Youth will out, but ...

 OK, then. So Maya Joint was not thinking "OMG! It's Serena Williams!" after all.

Won the first set yesterday on Centre Court at Wimbledon, 6-3.

Lost the second set in a tiebreaker, 7-6 (OMG! It's Serena Williams!).

Sucked it up and won the third and deciding set, 6-3.

Thus it was the kid taking down the GOAT in the match everyone was looking forward to, and, listen, it lived up to the billing. The 20-year-old was, well, 20 years old. The 44-year-old, icon or no, was 44. Youth will out, more times than not, no matter how unequal the resume.

At least it wasn't a 6-3, 6-3 snoozer, as one might have reasonably expected when a woman more than half her opponent's age -- and who's been a professional for three years -- faces a woman who's been retired four years but decided, for whatever reason, to give Wimbledon another go.

Even Serena was wondering if Serena was nuts. Or something very like it.

But a champion remains a champion, no matter what the driver's license says. And so after losing the first set, Serena Williams did not just say "Ah, I knew this was crazy", take a 6-0 bagel in the second set and wave to the crowd on her way (presumably) back into retirement.

Not a chance. In the second set the champion, and the champion's will, emerged. She matched the kid shot for shot and game for game, and when it came time to settle it in the tiebreaker, the resume won out over the young heart and legs.

Call it a curtain call, of sorts -- one glimpse of Serena before leaving Centre Court for (presumably) the final time.

Doesn't matter what happens for the next two weeks. That second set was your Wimby moment for 2026.