Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Bear-ly functional

 And now it's time to look in on Your Chicago Bears, who just fired head coach Matt Nagy and GM Ryan Pace in an effort to Clean House and embark on a Fresh Start ...

A "Fresh Start", of course, meaning, "A fresh start to once again go back in time 37 years to the season we cling to to this very day."

Yes, that's right, boys and girls. It's 2022 and the Bears are still doing the "Super Bowl Shuffle," a dance step that went the way of the jitterbug and the Charleston about the time Gorbachev said "Screw this, communism ain't workin' anymore."

In this latest chapter of Back To The Future, George McCaskey, whose family has owned the Bears since Bronko Nagurski was ramming his leather hat into people, has announced the next GM will answer solely to him. No more middleman! (i.e., no more Ted Phillips, who presumably will be banished to the basement with his favorite stapler). This train runs through George and George alone from here on out!

Of course, this was right after George told the assembled media he's just a fan and not, you know, a football expert. Which makes you wonder what he's been doing all this time since LITERALLY HIS ENTIRE LIFE has been spent around football.

If this does not exactly sound like a Fresh Start to you, well, congratulations, you're a Bears fan. Which means you already know what's going to happen: The Bears will bring in another alleged genius coach who'll continue to screw up poor Justin Fields, and the new GM, after consulting with George, will draft Mitchell Trubisky again because by God he reminds us of Bob Avellini.

And the 21st century will go on without them.

Unless, of course, George decides to report to George and suggest it's time to fire George.

Hey. A Bears fan can hope.

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