Narrative-ly speaking

 We're two days away now from seven days until Super Bowl LV (for "Livin' Virtual," presumably), which means it's almost time now to stop talking about Arkansas upsetting UConn in women's buckets and Rutgers beating Michigan State by 30 freaking points in men's buckets.

(About that: Rutgers held the Spartans to 37 points and outscored them 41-17 in the second half. The Spartans shot 28.6 percent, and were 4-of-20 from the 3-point arc. And the most amazing stat of all is not any of that, but the fact the Spartans' leading scorer was Aaron Henry with seven points. It was like a boxscore from the 1930s.)

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah. That Super thing.

As the game itself approaches with its usual glacial stateliness, it's time to put aside everything else and start crafting those all-important narratives the desperate media will use to while away the endless hours until kickoff. This is known as Hyping That Which Is Itself Hype, and it's a Roman numeral tradition.

So of course we'll get the Young vs. Old storyline, Tom Grandpa Walton Brady vs. Patrick Jim Bob Mahomes. Did you know Patrick was only five years old when Tom played in his first NFL game? Did you know Patrick's dad is only seven years older than Tom? Well, you do now.

The Young vs. Old storyline, of course, will naturally segue into the Passing The Torch storyline. Also the Mahomes Says He's Always looked Up To Tom Brady The Way All Young Quarterbacks Do. Also the inevitable Brady Legacy storyline, in which at least one contrarian will point out that Brady has lost almost as many Super Bowls as he's won ... and that he didn't win the five he's won because he always played like a god in them ... and, by the way, didja know he's only completed 55 percent of his passes in the playoffs?

You do now.

Somewhere in all of this there will be the Bruce Arians Appreciation storyline, which will of course segue into the Is Tom Brady Gushing About Bruce Arians A Veiled Shot At Bill Belichick? storyline. 

Which will of course lead to STILL MORE Tom Brady storylines ...

* Is Tom Brady The Greatest Team Athlete In Any Sport In The Entire History Of Team Sports? Discuss.

* Is Tom Brady Still A Fanboy Of That Crazy Guy Who Just Got Evicted From The White House, And If So Does It Tarnish His Legacy? Discuss.

*  What Are Tom Brady's Favorite Foods, And Why Are They All So Damn Weird? Discuss.

* Can We Talk To Gisele, Tom? Just For A Second?

* Tom Brady Says The Media Cannot Talk To Gisele, Proving He's A Giant Tool To Some In The Media.

* Is Tom Brady A Giant Tool, Like Some In The Media And A Lot Of Butt-Hurt New Englanders Now Say? Discuss.

And last but not least ,,,

* Is Tom Brady A Deep State Mole Who Is Not Human At All But A Cyborg Crafted By The Same People Who Built The Secret Jewish Laser From Outer Space? And if so, Will He Set Raymond James Stadium On Fire On Super Sunday The Way The Secret Jewish Laser Set California On Fire?

Discuss.