Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Gentlemen, start your fashion faux pas

I have seen some things, in 40 years hanging around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in May.

I have a seen a woman playing football in the Original And Only Real Snakepit on one of the gray days -- rain coming down like God left the tap on, the woman wearing mud from head-to-toe like some sort of Earth Mother Walter Payton.

I have seen a drunk sleeping one off in the noon sun in the back of a pickup truck, covered from head-to-toe in a  mound of his buddies' empties.

I have seen another drunk, at the end of a long day, lying under the front of his car as if he started to change the oil and then fell asleep.

I have seen A.J. Foyt cuss at a radio reporter who looked as if he were 12. Seen Roberto Guerrero, the polesitter, emerge from his garage at 11:14 on race morning, having crashed on the parade lap. Seen Emerson Fittipaldi drink orange juice instead of milk in Victory Lane, an etiquette faux pas of no small proportion.

And speaking of faux pas ...

Here's something I've never seen. And hope never to again.

Maybe you've heard about the new/perhaps not new fashion craze, the RompHim, which essentially is a onesie for men who've decided a man card is something they no longer require. Now comes this, a onesie designed especially for Race Day.

I can't imagine who would wear it. OK, so I can, this being Race Day at Indianapolis. I mean, I've seen people wear, un-ironically, Dr. Jack Miller the Racing Dentist T-shirts. So maybe someone shows up in an Indy 500 RompHim on Sunday.

It'll be 7 o'clock in the morning. He'll be sitting in front of his camper in the Coke lot along 25th Street, working on his fourth Bud Light of the day. Three or four of his buddies will be there, too, also wearing Indy RompHims, also working on their fourth Bud Lights of the day.

People stuck in traffic will wave. The lads will wave back. Young women will whistle and shout "Show us your checkered flag!"

Hours later, in Victory Lane, Helio Castroneves (or Scott Dixon or Will Power or Fernando Alonso or Ryan Hunter-Reay) will take a slug of milk, unzip his driving suit and reveal that, underneath, he's wearing ... an Indy RompHim.

OK, so no.

Please, God. No. 

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