Saturday, February 4, 2017

Your Super Bowl moment for today

Sorry, but it's not the eagerly unanticipated Blob prediction. That comes tomorrow, when the Blob goes against convention and picks a team that's not even playing, on account of the fact a team that's not even playing will have more access to snacks and beer.

No, it's time for the barely acknowledged Blob Prop Bets, which are unlike regular prop bets in that they don't include mundane stuff like how long it will take Luke Bryan to sing the national anthem, and will he remember all the words.

(I'm guessing somewhere well north of two minutes, and yes)

Anyway ... without further ado, here are the Blob Prop Bets:

1. Will Lady Gaga wear the Meat Dress in the halftime show?

(Corollary bet: And will it be grilled, fried or broiled?)

2. Will Bill Belichick smile if the Patriots win?

(Corollary bet: And how malevolent will Tom Brady's smile be when he accepts the Lombardi Trophy from Roger Goodell?)

3.  If it's a blowout and the Patriots are winning, how long before all of America outside of New England bails in favor of "Victoria" on PBS?

(Over/under: 12.5 seconds)

4. How long before someone in the Blob household (i.e., the Blob's wife, who's not into football) asks "Who's Atlanta's quarterback again?"

(Over/under: One minute)

5. How long before someone else in the Blob household (i.e., me) says "OK, time for a brownie?"

(No over/under on this one. You're assuming I haven't said that already)

6. What will be heard first in households watching the Super Bowl:: "Dammit, Atlanta!", "These commercials aren't very good this year," or "God, I hate the Patriots."

(The best odds in Vegas right now are on "OK, time for a brownie.")

7. In how many households watching the Super Bowl will the following be heard vis-a-vis Lady Gaga's halftime show: "Well, that was weird"?

(Over'under: 1.2 million)

8. In how many households, at the same time, will the following be heard: "Coldplay was better last year"?

(Over/under: Five)

9. How long before someone in the Blob household says "I really miss the Bud Bowl"?

(No over/under. I just said it. And I mean it)

And last but not least ...

10. If the Falcons win, who will crack open another beer, raise it toward the TV screen and say "(Bleep) you, Brady!"?

(Vegas says "Pretty much everyone who doesn't live in New England")

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