Thursday, September 29, 2016

Ryder Cup this, Yanks

We all know golf isn't like other sports, with its polite opera claps, reverent silence on backswings and putts and the notable lack of quality trash-talking, except for the drunk guy from Poughkeepsie who somehow managed to wangle an all-weekend pass at Augusta.

It's what makes golf the genteel sport it is, and what made Arnold Palmer so transformative for taking it out of the country clubs and into real America. And now ...

Well. Now comes Pete Willett.

He's the brother of Masters champion Danny Willett, an Englishman who's getting ready to help lead Team Europe against Team USA in the Ryder Cup. It's a fierce rivalry, the Ryder Cup, if not exactly like Texas-Oklahoma or Auburn-Alabama in football. That's because, well, it's golf.

Until Pete Willet, that is.

Who, apparently, is the Willett family version of black-sheep brother Danny Rayburn from "Bloodline" (if you're not familiar with the show, the Blob apologizes for the obscure reference). At least judging by the tweets he's been sending out lately.

Pete, you see, doesn't believe in gentility. He believes in trash talk, and probably a pint or three. It is world-class trash talk, and, in honor of the Ryder Cup, he's unleashed it on Americans. A few examples, courtesy of Deadspin:

Team USA have only won five of the last 16 Ryder Cups. Four of those five victories have come on home soil. For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way ... 

 (Team Europe) need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red ...

They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators ...

They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society ...

Wow. Even slipped a "whilst" in there.

Quality. Pure qualify.

No comments:

Post a Comment