I wasn't going to do this, on account of the Blob deals strictly with reality and not fantasy. Well, except on those occasions when it falls asleep and dreams it visited the White House and Donald Trump was sitting in the oval office, wrinkling his brow over the nuclear launch codes and saying "Now what do these do again?"
Anyway ... the Blob vowed never to write about fantasy football. But now that NFL football has essentially transformed from an actual sport to a mere game piece for fantasy players, I suppose it's time to break my vow and unveil the first Official Blob Fantasy Preview.
Being the Blob, where self-absorption goes to gaze longingly at itself in the mirror, this will not consist of a breakdown of who you should pick. The Blob doesn't care who you pick. It only cares about who the Blob picks, and what's going to happen to them.
Which is easy, if you know the Blob's luck in these matters.
See, it doesn't matter who the Blob picks. This is because, historically, whoever it picks either A) has his worst season ever, B) sustains a season-ending injury on the second play of the first game of the season, or C) turns out to be Ryan Tannehill.
I had Ryan Tannehill last year, see. Every time I played him, he Ryan Tannehill-ed the heck out of me. Which maintained a long Blob fantasy tradition of stupidity and bad hunches.
After all, didn't I once pick Dan Marino when he was working on his eighth or ninth concussion and thought he saw Don Hutson waving for the ball every time he dropped back? And how about the time I mismanaged my roster to such a spectacular degree my best running back Donald Brown? Or all those years I wound up with Jon Kitna as my QB1?
Shoot. I'd pick him now if he was still playing.
Unless, you know, you'd like to.