Gather 'round, children, for it is story time here in Blob World, and don't be intimidated by the 20,000 words of our tale for today, The New England Patriots' Rebuttal To The Wells Report.
(Popularly known as "Tom Terrific And The Magic Texts").
(Also popularly known as "Aesop's Fables Got Nothin' On Us").
In today's story, our hero, Sir Tom of Brady (granite of chin and pure of word and deed), files an appeal (that means "lawyers up," children) of his cruel four-game suspension at the hands of the blackhearted ruler of his land, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell (aka, "Roger the No-Goodnik"). Meanwhile, Brady's merry band of fellow travelers, the hijinks-loving but kindly New England Patriots, pen a brave response to the NFL's dastardly edict, demanding that Roger the No-Goodnik recognize that no king can rule without the consent of the gover--
Oh, wait. That was the Magna Carta.
No, the Patriots' solution is unique: A 20,000-word book of jokes intended to jolly Roger the No-Goodnik out of punishing them, because, after all, they are currently the fairest band in his land (that means "They won the freakin' Super Bowl"). Among the knee-slappers:
Q: Why did the alleged ball-deflator, a lowly Patriots servant named Jim McNally, refer to himself in text messages as "the deflator"?
A: Because he was trying to lose weight, not because he was illegally deflating footballs. And certainly not because Sir Tom sort of ordered him to, just as he'd been sort of ordering him to since October. That's a lie, lie, lie. Sir Tom would never do that. Granite of chin! Pure of word and deed! All that!
Q: What did another lowly Patriots servant, John Jamestrski, mean when he texted McNally "Can't wait to give you the needle this week"?
A: Why, that just meant it was McNally who delivered the balls to the officials for the pregame inspection, and the officials frequently would ask for additional needles. It's not because McNally routinely deflated the footballs, and certainly not because Sir Tom (granite of chin, etc., etc.) instructed him to, no, no, a thousand times no.
Q: Can a football really deflate on its own in 50-degree weather?
A: Yes! And we have a lacke-- er, wise wizard, here to explain how! He's a scientist! Scientists don't lie! Sure, he's wearing a Tom Brady jersey, but that's just a coincidence, like all those text messages!
Q: How long does it take a man to duck into the bathroom and deflate footballs, if in fact he was deflating footballs, which of course he wasn't?
A: A lot longer than a minute and 40 seconds, that's for sure. Why, you can't even pee and wash your hands in that time! Here, I'll prove it!
I'm sorry. Did you say something, children?
Yes, I know these aren't very good jokes. They aren't even very good explanations. You know when you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar and you have to think up something really fast? Like, it wasn't really your hand in the cookie jar, or you were just checking to make sure the cookie jar didn't have any cracks in it, or you were just getting a cookie for your imaginary friend, Wallace?
This is sort of similar. And as for Sir Tom's appeal ...
Well, here's the real joke, children: The person who's going to hear Sir Tom of Brady's appeal is Roger the No-Goodnik himself. Which means the real fable in all of this is that Sir Tom has a hope in hell of getting his suspension reduced or overturned entirely.