Cheap Thrills Week

 Your Indiana Hoosiers beat the mortal stuffing out of poor Kennesaw State yesterday, 56-9, a week after they kinda-sorta beat the mortal stuffing out of poor Old Dominion, and you know what that tells us about Curt Cignetti's team?

Exactly nothing.

OK, so not nothing, but pretty close. New quarterback Fernando Mendoza threw four touchdown passes Saturday, so that was good. Elijah Surratt caught three of them, so that was good, too. And the Hoosiers outscored the Kennesaws 35-0 in the second half, scoring on five straight possessions.

So that was also good, I suppose. Of course, it was a little like scoring on five straight possessions against the cardboard cutouts the citizens of Rock Ridge used to fool Slim Pickens and his gang in "Blazing Saddles," but, still. Pretty, pretty good.

This is not to single out the Hoosiers for being unbeaten and untried, mind you, because that indictment fits a lot of Power 4 teams right now. Purdue, for instance, is off to a 2-0 start as well after doubling up Southern Illinois 34-17. This means, on September 7, the Boilermakers have already doubled their win total from a year ago.

And never mind that Southern Illinois is not, you know, Real Illinois, or perhaps even Real Rutgers. Also never mind the W follows on the heels of last week's 31-0 splattering of my alma mater, Ball State.

Which got splattered again Saturday by Auburn, 42-3, in another human-sacrifice-for-dollars game. Those of us who have diplomas from BSU will take comfort in the fact that at least the Cardinals scored this time, a sure sign they're improving.*

(*Sarcasm Alert) 

Thing is, in defense of IU and Purdue, this was Cheap Thrills Week for a lot of Power 4 teams. (Notre Dame, the state's other football biggie, had a bye. Reportedly, the Irish were supposed to play the The Little Sisters of the Poor Only Littler And Poorer, but canceled the game because they figured Bye would more boost their strength of schedule.) 

At any rate, there were some truly ridiculous matchups. Ohio State batted Grambling around like a ball of string, 70-0. Florida State edged East Dillon, er, East Texas A&M 77-3. Alabama played with its food against Louisiana-Monroe, 73-0; Texas Tech paved Kan't, er, Kent State, 62-14; Utah tracked mud all over Cal Poly, 63-9; Tennessee staked out East Tennessee State on an anthill, 72-17.

Oh, and Arch Manning, whom everyone declared a generational talent before declaring he was the WORST GENERATIONAL TALENT EVER in that 14-7 loss to Ohio State?

Threw for four touchdowns and ran for another in Texas' 38-7 goring of its live sacrifice, San Jose State. So there, sort of.

"But ... but ... what about South Florida upsetting Florida, Mr. Blob? Or the Ohio University Bobcats upholding the honor of the MAC by taking down West Virginia?" you're saying now.

Only proves that if you play Payola For Patsies often enough, the football gods are going to say "Why the hell are you playing these guys?" and allow These Guys to take a bite out of you.

Otherwise ...

Otherwise, except for the dough (which admittedly is not inconsiderable), what does East A&M get out of being a hot lunch for Florida State? Or Grambling for lying down on the white line and letting Ohio State run over it? Or my alma mater's athletic department for telling the football program, "Quit whining and get your asses down there with the lions. It'll only hurt for awhile, and we need the cash."

And thus the East A&Ms, Gramblings and Ball States wind up with 0-2 starts and, presumably, longer casualty lists than they would have otherwise had this early. 

And what do the Power 4s get out of all this comic opera?

Beats me. Ask Minnesota, which dragged a directional school (Northwestern State) up to Minneapolis so the Golden Gophers could enjoy a 66-0 meal. Or ask Nebraska, which brought Akron in so Big Red could pelt the poor schmucks with corncobs, 68-0.

I fail to see how any of these mismatches advances the development of the muscle programs. Yeah, Purdue is 2-0 under new head coach Barry Odom, but what does that mean? Yeah, the Mendoza-Sarratt connection was dazzling for IU, but against whom? 

I will say this, though: Oregon beat someone 69-3 yesterday, and it wasn't the Oklahoma Institute of Learning How To Type Fast. It was Oklahoma State, a supposedly legit Big 12 school. So at least the Ducks had something to quack about.

Unless.

Unless, of course, that really was the Oklahoma Institute of Learning How To Type Fast, and part of the deal was dressing up as Oklahoma State so everyone would think the Ducks were really, really good.

Instead of, you know, just pretty, pretty good.