And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, aka The Blob Feature That Never Overreacts, of which critics have said "Oh, my God! It's the extinction event of Blob features! We're DOOMED! Doomed, I tell you!", and also "What he said! Aieee!!":
1. "We're DOOMED! Doomed, I tell you!" (Cowboys fans, after the Pokes were spin-cycled 44-19 by the New Orleans Saints, whom everyone said weren't supposed to be that good)
2. "Woo-hoo! We're 2-0! Super Bowl, baby!' " (Saints fans)
3. In other news, the Bengals, the Ravens and the Rams, hardy perennials all, remained winless after two weeks.
4. "Great, we'll never make the playoffs NOW. There's only 3 1/2 months left in the season!" (Fans of the Bengals, Ravens and Rams)
5. "That was the worst call in the entire history of football going back to before football was invented!" (Also Bengals fans, after a pass interference call on 4th-and-16 bailed out the stupid Chiefs and handed them a stupid walkoff field goal and a stupid 26-25 win and we hope you choke on it, losers!)
6. "Well, so much for this season. Looks like it's time to bench everyone and let the backups play." (The Colts, the Giants, the Panthers and several other 0-2 teams)
7. "Some people just talk about it. Some people do it." (The Panthers, who unlike the others, actually did bench bonus baby quarterback Bryce Young and will make journeyman Andy Dalton their QB1)
8. "Wait, what?" (Andy Dalton)
9. Meanwhile, the J-E-T-S Jets-Jets-Jets rallied to beat the Titans on the road, renewing the fan base's belief that Aaron Rodgers really is not 40 years old, but is actually 30 and in the prime of his career and therefore will lead the Jets to the Super Bowl that is, after all, THEIR SACRED DESTINY.
10. "Wait, what?" (Aaron Rodgers)
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