I hesitate to bring this up, first off. Past experience may not guarantee future results, after all, but it does guarantee present howls of derision and, I don't know, maybe even showers of rotten fruit.
Know what happens tomorrow, boys and girls?
My Pittsburgh Pirates will send the Next Nuclear Arm to the mound against the Chicago Cubs.
Yes, my Cruds are calling up Paul Skenes, whom they took with the first pick in the 2023 draft and who has been mowing down batters like a zero-turn Toro goes after your grass. Skenes, a 6-foot-6, 235-pound righty, has a 102-mph heater according to the gun, and mixes in a 95-mph combo splitter/sinker, a high-80s slider and an 88-mph changeup just for funsies.
And lest you think the Cruds are acting a bit rashly, considering this is Skenes' first full pro season and he's only 21 years old ... well, in their defense, to which I rarely feel compelled to come, the kid's wasting his time in Triple A. In 27 1/3 innings in Indianapolis, he's allowed just three earned runs with 45 strikeouts. That's a shade under two strikeouts per inning to you and me, kids.
"Greeaat," you're saying now. "Like you needed another excuse to talk about your stupid Pirates and their stupid cruddiness and, geez Louise, where's the off switch on this Blob?"
Oh, pipe down. These are the Cruds we're talking about, remember. I give Skenes two seasons max before his arm either explodes in a shower of tiny arm bits, or he asks to re-do his deal and the cheaper-than-Jim-Harbaugh's-khakis Cruds swap him for prospects the way they do all their other homegrown studs.
In which case, you won't hear another word about him from this precinct. Unless it's how dashing he looks in Dodger blue or Yankee pinstripes, that is.
So you've got that going for you.
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