Another silly prediction Blob

So 2014 is all but out the door -- hey, look, there goes the snap over Peyton Manning's head again, and Ryan Hunter-Reay slamming the milk, and Madison Bumgarner trying to pitch around his Superman cape -- and you know what that means. That means it's time to look ahead to 2015.

(Obligatory crystal ball reference here).

(Cries of "No!", and "Come on, a little originality, please!" here).

Well, I'm not going to predict what's going to happen in 2015. I'm going to predict what's not going to happen.

In January, skeptics will be amazed to discover that Jim Harbaugh has not yet bolted back to the NFL.

"Impressive. I gave it three weeks," one skeptic will say.

"Clearly the man's committed to Michigan," says another.

"I don't know. I still think he'll be back in the NFL by February," says one dissenter.

When asked for his name, he mumbles something that sounds like "Davis." Then he makes a hurried dash for a car with Alameda County, California plates and drives away.

In  February, the Chicago Bears will not win the Super Bowl. Neither will the Jets, the Falcons, the 49ers or anyone from the NFC South, whose existence Roger Goodell will firmly deny in the commissioner's traditional pre-Super Bowl news conference.

"I don't know anyone named 'Ray Rice'," Goodell will be quoted as saying.

"Um ... we were asking about the NFC South," a reporter will respond.

"Oh," Goodell will say. "I thought you said 'Ray Rice.' Well, I don't know anyone named "NFC South,' either. How many games did I suspend him again?"

In April, thousands of people will not win their NCAA office pool. They'll blame Gonzaga, which once again will not live up to its Cinderella status.

"They were my sleeper pick!" the losers will wail, having just arrived from 2001 because, in 2015, time travel will become a thing.

In May, Danica Patrick will not be at the Indianapolis 500 again, which means no will watch the race on TV even though 250,000 fans will jam Indianapolis Motor Speedway to watch a race in which there will be 72 lead changes, including 15 in the last 10 laps.

"IndyCar racing just isn't exciting," viewers will say. "Hey, didja see that NASCAR race? Two passes for the lead! I thought I was gonna stroke out!"

In June, somebody will not lift the Stanley Cup and somebody else will not hoist the NBA trophy, and a lot of somebodies will not care because, well, it's June and hockey and basketball should have finished up two months ago.

In September, Jim Harbaugh will still not have returned to the NFL, opting instead to go ahead and coach Michigan in its home opener.

"Well, it looks like he really is going to do this Michigan thing," one skeptic will say.

"You suppose the NFL teams have lost his number?" says another.

"I don't believe it. I think that's a body double leading the Wolverines into the Big House. The real Jim Harbaugh would never forsake the NFL for a silly college job," says one dissenter.

When asked his name, he mumbles something that sounds like "McCaskery" or "McCrapkey", then bolts for a car with a Dick Butkus bobblehead in the rear window.

In October, the Cubs will not win the World Series. I mean, come on. Like that's even a prediction?

Finally ...

In December, Jameis Winston does not win the Heisman Trophy, mainly because he's playing in the NFL. Florida State officials pronounce themselves shocked, having come to believe there wasn't any ruling they couldn't bend to Winston's advantage.

"What, he has to still be in college? Well, that isn't fair," Florida State's chancellor will say.

"I'm convening the disciplinary committee to look into this. We're experts at getting Jameis off the hook," another FSU official declares.

Jameis, meanwhile, professes not to be upset by the news.

"Aw, that's OK," he says. "I'm just excited that Jim Harbaugh will be here soon. Everybody says so."

  

Homecoming for now

The voice was a nail-file rasp, the vocal chords shredded from one last sideline weekend in the NFL. But the words that floated into the air on that voice were pitch perfect.

Michigan, Jim Harbaugh swore in his introductory news conference today, was where he'd dreamed of coaching all his life. It was an "honor" now, he said, to "live it." Along the way, he invoked all the requisite Michigan stations of the cross: Bo and Lloyd Carr and Gary Moeller and, who knows, maybe even Fritz Crisler himself.

If you were a card-carrying member of Wolverine Nation, a sufferin' clan these bleak December days, it was everything you wanted to hear and more.

"Our guy came home," said Michigan's interim athletic director, Jim Hackett, catching the general tone of the day.

All that was missing was the dose-of-reality qualifier: Our guy came home ... for now.

That Harbaugh will raise Michigan back to its accustomed place in the national college football conversation, scarcely anyone doubts. Though he has only 12 scholarships next year, and so must make do with Brady Hoke's under-coached leavings for a season or two, he'll get Michigan back to being Michigan. He did it at San Diego, he did it at Stanford, he did it in the NFL in San Francisco.

And then, having done that, he'll do what he did in all three of those places: He'll move on.

It says here the Harbaugh Era in Ann Arbor lasts no more than five seasons, and then it'll be back to the NFL. The only reason he's in Ann Arbor now, frankly, is because Michigan's going to pay him $5 million a year to be there, and all of the NFL jobs currently available (Oakland, Chicago, Atlanta, the Jets) are dead ends.

So home he comes, for the time being. But never forget that he's a Super Bowl coach who didn't quite get it done in the ultimate football game America produces. That's a powerful incentive to go back and finish the job. Sooner or later -- probably sooner, if he gets Michigan back to being Michigan in the next three or four years -- the right NFL team is going to come after him. When it does, he'll be gone, if for no other reason than that's what his entire job history suggests.

So Michigan, love him while you've got him. But don't get too attached.

  

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 17

And now the final edition for 2014 of The NFL In So Many Words, the Blob feature hailed by Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel as "an extremely dangerous storm" that he "can't wait to get out in":

1. Congratulations to the Packers, the Cowboys, the Seahawks, the Colts, the Patriots, the Steelers and the Broncos, your 2014 division champions.

2. Hmm. Seems like we're forgetting someone.

3. No, really. There's someone else. The Lions, maybe?

4. No, not the Lions. They lost the division when they lost in Green Bay again for the 247th consecutive time.

5.  Not the Saints, either. Anyone found them yet, by the way?

6. And not the Cardinals, who, you know, were really good, until all their quarterbacks got hurt, even Jim Hart and Matt Leinert.

7. Rex Ryan? Jim Harbaugh? Jay Cutler?

8. The Panthers?

9. Yes! That's it! The 7-8-1 Panthers! Champions of  ... of ... the NFC South!*

10.  (* -- Status as an actual NFL division still under review).

The answer in Ann Arbor?

So apparently University of Michigan officials were in San Francisco to meet with 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, suggesting that A) they think he's the guy to revive the House That Bo Built, and B) they've sufficiently money-whipped him that he's willing to listen.

I think "A" presupposes Harbaugh won't get "B"ed hard enough by other lusting NFL teams (Paging the Raiders ... paging the Bears), and that Harbaugh will therefore take the money and follow a path hardly any accomplished pro coach follows. How many head coaches who've gotten to a Super Bowl have gone back to the colleges?

And then there's this: "A" also presupposes Harbaugh actually is the guy to revive Bo's House.

I have my doubts.

I have my doubts, because when I look at Harbaugh all I see is a glammed-up version of Brady Hoke: A Michigan man who's a short-term fix. Hoke's fix lasted until he ran out of Rich Rodriguez' players. Harbaugh's would last until his ego and sandpaper management style harshed everyone's mellow in Ann Arbor, or until he was lured away by the right NFL job.

The only reason I can think Harbaugh's even listening to Michigan, other than the wads of cash it's throwing at him, is that he hasn't seen what he likes on the NFL market. The Raiders seem like a dead-end even for Harbaugh, given their Hooterville front office. Ditto the Bears, who have problems that extend far beyond Marc Trestman essentially throwing up his hands and giving up on Jay Cutler.

The O-line's still a mess. The defense remains softer than goose down. The Bears' front office hasn't adequately addressed  either of these problems, which makes you wonder if it ever will. If you're Jim Harbaugh, that should give you pause.

The issue I don't see with Harbaugh-to-the-Bears, frankly, is the one so many others see: How good a fit he'd be with Cutler. Two headstrong men in the same room would seem to be the setup for an epic train wreck, but maybe not. If Harbaugh's shown anything, it's that he's great with quarterbacks, particularly QBs with confidence issues. Under his hand, Alex Smith became an effective NFL quarterback, and Colin Kaepernick, this season notwithstanding, thrived. And that was largely because of Harbaugh's constant positive reinforcement.

So maybe Harbaugh's exactly what Cutler needs.

And Michigan?

Don't think Harbaugh's what Michigan needs. Not unless it wants to be hiring another coach in the next five years.

Some things to remember about 2014

OK, OK, 2015. We get the message.

It’s not like we can’t see you out there, tapping your foot, checking your watch. It’s your time, and you want to get on with it. Point made.

But give us a minute or two here. 2014 deserves that, don’t you think?

Some stuff happened around here this year, see, and it was wonderful stuff. A man got his vacation gloriously delayed. A basketball team chased perfection and caught it. Another basketball team chased history, caught some of it, and scared the bejeebers out of the rest of it.

And then there was this, which is as good a place to start as any:  A young man holding up a trophy, a six-lane smile on his face, as confetti twinkled down from the sky around him.

This was Ron Howard on that night in April when the Mad Ants clinched the NBA D-League championship, bringing yet another title to a city that has grown accustomed to them. That was the moment of the year, because, speaking of things gloriously delayed, no one had seen a payoff delayed for so long and endured it with such grace.

They called him Mr. Mad Ant, and that was fine with him, that was something he embraced as fully as he and his young family embraced this city. And so you wanted to see what happened this spring happen mainly for him, for seven years of mostly pointless basketball, for seven years of ceaseless striving and unquenchable optimism. 

So put that night in April at the top here, with Howard and team president Jeff Potter – who believed, too, and finally saw it happen -- embracing as the confetti twinkled.

And while we’re at it, let’s put the Komets and TinCaps in there, too, because they had their own triumphs.

Let’s remember how first-year coach Gary Graham and the Komets front office put a hockey team together, and then took it apart, and then put it back together again, eventually closing with a rush to make the ECHL playoffs for the first time. And let’s remember the TinCaps, who were dead in the water with three weeks left in the season, then won six of their last seven games to make the playoffs for a Midwest League-best sixth straight year.

Let’s remember the Saint Francis women’s basketball team, and the number 38. That’s how many wins, against no losses, the Cougars put together last winter, going unbeaten and winning the NAIA national title behind Skylar Shurn and Jenelle Wilson, the best backcourt in the NAIA.

Across town, meanwhile, Indiana Tech’s men and women track teams brought home NAIA titles, too. And IPFW’s men won a school-record 25 games and came within a few trembling minutes of reaching the NCAA tournament before Taylor Braun of North Dakota State took over the Summit League title game in the last two minutes and got the Bison through, 60-57.

Three months later, out at Leo, the Lions softball team got through, too, zanily enough. They wobbled into the tournament off four losses in their last five games, and their coach, Ben Shappell, made plans to go to Hawaii with his family the week of the state finals. But then a shy kid named Lindsey Bowers started shutting everyone out, a phenomenal freshman named Alexa Allen led a potent lineup of bats, and Shappell had to postpone his trip as the Lions won the Class 3A title, Bowers pitching three straight shutouts to finish the tournament run.

A few months after that, Concordia’s volleyball team joined the Lions on the top step, winning its own 3A title behind All-State hitter and mental attitude award winner Tionna Williams. Ditto Canterbury’s girls soccer team, which, like Leo and Concordia, won its first state title, too.

It closed out, neatly, a year of firsts and near-firsts, which is only as it should be. Because we see you out there, 2015. And now 2014 has given us our perfect reply.

First things first.

 

   

A brief conversation with Mr. S. Claus

So it's Christmas Eve and the fat guy in the red suit just stopped by, because he heard me whining that there were no gifts under the tree yet for me, and why was that, anyway?

Right away he started in on me.

"Y'know, Christmas is supposed to be about giving, knucklehead," he said, plucking a cookie from the plate next to the fire.

"Yeah, I know," I came back. "So what gives?"

The big fella brushed a crumb or two from his sleeve and sighed.

"Look around," he said. "You've already been served."

"How so?" I said.

Another cookie disappeared into his snowy maw.

"Well," he said, "it's Christmas Eve right? A day you'd like not to mess with your Blob or whatever you call it, right? So I gave you a day when the only news out there is the Popeye's Bahama Bowl and the Hawai'i Bowl. Seriously, does anyone really believe those aren't totally made up? I mean, come on, Central Michigan and Western Kentucky in the former and Fresno State and Rice in the latter? Even if those are actual teams, you think they're worth Blobbing about?

"For the love of Blitzen, Fresno State's 6-7. Most of  their fans don't even know they're still playing. Ditto Rice. And did anyone but pathetic loser alumni watch Central Who Cares lose by a point to Western Where's That earlier today?

"The point, knucklehead, is this: You get a day off. And that beats a new bike any day."

I hated to admit it. But he had me there.

"You know, you're annoying as hell when you're right," I said.

The big fella just laughed.

"And a Merry Christmas to you, too," he said. 




 
      

A few brief thoughts about NFL Week 16

And now, this week's installment of The NFL In So Many Words, the Blob feature hailed by Motor Trend magazine as its Car Of The Year for 1975, and by the Royal Archeological Institute as "a splendid example of early cave drawings":

1. Well, at least the Colts will always have the AFC South.

2. Aka, "Indianapolis And Them Others."

3. Meanwhile, the Cowboys!

4. Are the greatest team in NFL history again, because, they're the Cowboys! And it's December and they beat the Colts like Ali beat Mildenberger, which means they could still make it to the Super Bowl -- which they'd win, of course, because, they're the Cowboys!

5. ( The "Super Bowl" in this case not to be confused with the "Super Bowl," which the Patriots and Packers played a few weeks ago in Lambeau Field).

6.  Hey, that guy kind of looks like Peyton Manning!

7. Nah. Guess not.

8. Doggone it. Lost the Saints again. Coulda swear they were just here.

9. Maybe they got eaten by the Seahawks.

10. Who are suddenly eating everything in sight. Because, you know, they turned out to be the Seahawks after all.