Today the hideously winless Chicago Bears play host to the even more hideously winless Denver Broncos, and I'm here to answer your obvious question: "Mr. Blob, what else would be a better viewing experience?"
Lucky for you I have this list here:
1. The Most Deadly Boring Catch.
In which two guys with cane poles sit on the end of a pier, hoping for a nibble. Tension mounts as they debate the better choice of bait: Nightcrawlers or bee moths.
2. I Dream Of Jeanine Pirro.
Angry right-wing person emerges from a bottle to deny you three wishes and complain about liberals, drag queens, the mainstream media and the weaponized justice system that's persecuting President Trump just because he's as crooked as a dog's hind leg.
3. The Hysteria Channel.
See No. 2.
4. Friday Night Lights.
Because at least Matt Saracen isn't Russell Wilson or Justin Fields.
5. Survivor.
Because unlike the Broncos or Bears, someone's guaranteed to survive.
6. I Shouldna.
Special Bears/Broncos edition of a new game show in which contestants vie to see who has the most pitiful regrets.
This week's entries:
"I shouldna popped off about Nathaniel Hackett." (Broncos coach Sean Payton)
"I shouldna taken this job." (Bears coach Matt Eberflus)
"I shouldna drafted Justin Fields." (Bears GM Ryan Poles)
"I shouldna gotten mad at Pete Carroll and left Seattle." (Broncos QB Russell Wilson)
"I shouldna lived this long, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have to watch this team." (Virginia McCaskey)
7. Goodfellas.
Because if you're gonna watch guys get whacked, better Joe Pesci than the Bears and Broncos.
8. Unsolved Mysteries.
In which unexplained phenomena is explored, such as "Why are the Colts playing with the roof closed on a perfect fall afternoon?", and also "The Broncos and Bears: Why?"
9. Famous American Disasters.
Included: Custer's Last Stand, the Ryder Cup, Bears-vs.-Broncos.
And last but not least ...
10. The Andy Griffith Show.
Because at least Aunt Bee's turnovers are delicious.
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