Exciting news from the steadily expanding world of college bowl games, formerly the exclusive province of auto parts, chicken sandwiches, lending institutions and lawn implements:
Actual live humans can now get their names on a bowl game!
Yes, boys and girls, this is absolutely true. As announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live the other night, the star of Jimmy Kimmel Live, Jimmy Kimmel, will have a bowl game named after himself. On Dec. 18 of this year, the Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl will be unveiled in SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, Calif.
Western Northern Whatsamatta U. and Eastern Bangalore State Tech U. will be the participants.
OK, so that's a lie. But not the Jimmy Kimmel part!
The Blob, which loves obscure nobody-cares bowl games with bizarre names more then anyone, thinks this is the best news since the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. In fact, we're already hard at work here in the Blobosphere coming up with myriad possibilities to continue what Jimmy Kimmel has started ...
* The Donald J. Trump Do-Over Bowl
In which the competing teams, 5-7 Directional A&M and 0-12 Trump University, keep playing over and over until the damn thing comes out the way Donald J. Trump wants. (Hint: Until Trump University wins).
* The Vladimir Putin Here Just Drink This Bowl
In which the winner, every year, is Vladimir Putin, who plays every position (including all-time center) and somehow beats Alabama 77-3 anyway. Well, except for that one year, when 'Bama won and Nick Saban mysteriously succumbed to radiation poisoning shortly thereafter.
* The Rupert Murdoch Pravda State Media Bowl
In which the Donald J. Trump Do-Over Bowl is declared the greatest bowl game in American history, and if you don't believe it you're a socialist commie who sells children into slavery for Hillary Clinton from the back of a pizza parlor.
* The Matt Gaetz Girls! Girls! Girls! Bowl
In which two teams of scantily-clad underage girls battle it out for an audience limited to coked-up pervo men two or three times their age. An exciting display of bowl-game magic that isn't sick at all!
* The Bryson DeChambeau Troll Bowl
In which DeChambeau videobombs the notoriously wound-so-tight-he-squeaks Brooks Koepka until Koepka's head explodes. Greatest halftime show ever!
* The Aaron Rodgers Cavalcade Of Minicamps Bowl
In which 11-1 Great Big Corporate U., though contractually obligated, fails to show because the bowl committee is making it play in a cow pasture tilted so Great Big Corporate U. always has to trudge up a 30-degree grade to reach the end zone.
And last but not least ...
* The Jeff Bezos I Own Everything Bowl
In which Jeff Bezos gets to pick the teams, venue and outcome; buys the Rose Bowl so he can call his bowl game the Jeff Bezos I Own Everything Rose Bowl; moves the San Gabriel Mountains to his bowl site so he also can have the Rose Bowl's backdrop; and makes a bazillion-gazillion on the broadcast rights without paying a dime for them because he's FREAKING JEFF BEZOS AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT, LOSERS.
Then he buys the IRS so he can continue to pay no taxes, and also so he can call his bowl game the Jeff Bezos I Own Everything Rose Bowl Presented By Jeff Bezos' Internal Revenue Service.
Capacity limited to whoever Jeff Bezos decides to let in.
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