Hockey, re-imagined

I don't know why the Ontario minister of sport (Is that a throwback Soviet-ish turn of phrase, or what?) didn't just say "Screw it, we're not playin' hockey this year." The guffawing and knee slapping would have been much less general.

Maybe you missed it, probably you did, but the minister of sport announced the other day that the Ontario Hockey League, which you probably never think about more than once a forever, will not allow physical contact this year. Either that, or there won't be a 2020-21 season, on account of the Bastard Plague.

Now, the Blob is all for sensible pandemic protocols, especially with so many idiots out there (*cough* Republicans *cough*) deciding that taking on the Plague in hand-to-hand combat is some sort of half-assed macho deal. But hockey without contact ain't hockey. It's the Ice Capades.

It's people dressed as characters from "Frozen" waltzing around out there, only with sticks. It's Alex Ovechkin in sequins. It's the high-powered Chorus Line, which features Toe Pick skating left wing, Triple Axel at center and Sit Spin at right wing.

You can't take physical contact out of hockey. It's impossible. For one thing, what would all those team dentists do?

Leavin' a guy spittin' bloody Chiclets after a well-executed cross-check to the face is as much a part of hockey as turning the sound off on Our Only Available Impeached Diseased President is a part of American politics in 2020. It's simply nature taking its course. If mashing a guy into the glass with a solid check isn't an integral part of the game, why does it make such an awesome sound? And if you can't knock a guy off the puck in your own end, how long until your goalie throws his stick down in frustration and lumbers off the ice?

GOALIE: That's it, man. I'm done.

COACH: But there's still 17 minutes to play!

GOALIE: I don't care. These guys can just waltz through our D-men like Olympic figure skaters performing their long programs. I'm tired o' gettin' scored on by Brian Boitano.

COACH: But we've still got a chance! We're only down 15-13!

Yeesh. I can't even.

And what happens if a game ends in a tie? 

I'll tell you what happens.

Compulsory figures.