And now a special Halloween week edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the chilling Blob feature of which critics have said "I hear something in the basement, Merle", and also "No, Merle! Don't open the door! DON'T OPEN TH- AIEEEE!!":
1. "The door creaked open, and out shuffled the hideous abomination that once was the Dallas Cowboys ..."
2. "The door creaked open, and out shuffled the hideous abomination that once was the New England Patriots ..."
3. "Sometimes, late at night, Matt Nagy's offense clambers worm-eaten from its stinking grave, slips on a banana peel and falls back in ..."
4. "Sometimes, late at night, Trevor Lawrence awakens screaming from an awful nightmare in which he's drafted by the New York Jets ..."
5. "I had an awful nightmare, Doc," Merle said. "I dreamed Russell Wilson threw three interceptions and my undefeated Seahawks blew a game to the Arizona Cardinals."
6. "That was no dream, Merle," Kyler Murray replied, chuckling horribly as he removed his doctor mask and battened on poor Merle with his razor-sharp teeth.
7. "Hands shaking, Joe Burrow mustered the last of his strength to scratch out a note. 'Please send help,' it read. 'I'm stranded on the Bengals' ..."
8. "Eyes glittering with unholy life, Tom Brady dropped another dime for six, as if he were still 22 years old ..."
9. "How do you still do it, Tom, at 43?" a Tampa reporter named Merle asked after the game.
10. "Brady, born in the Carpathian Mountains in 1847, merely chuckled horribly and then battened on poor Merle with his razor-sharp teeth ..."
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