So Joe Biden has challenged Our Only Available President to a push-up contest, and here is where our great American experiment waves the white flag. We are no longer the nation of Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas, debating slavery in Freeport, Ill. We are the Wide World of Sports.
Today on Wide World, it's the Presidential Arm-Wrestling World Championships, live from Petaluma, Calif. ...
Arm wrestling. Push-ups. Whatever, it's two geezers in their 70s trying to prove they're still manly men in front of an electorate whose reaction would likely be "The hell?"
Because no matter how much Biden and Trump try to out-manly each other, the electorate has eyes. We know they're both decrepit old white guys. We know they're one missed blood pressure med away from shaking their bony fists and yelling at those damn kids to get off the lawn. No push-up contest -- or, say, a Pole Vaulting Death Match -- is going to change that.
In one corner, you've got a skinny 76-year-old who doesn't look a day over, um, 76. In the other, you've got a 73-year-old tubbo. Seriously, you could land planes on Trump's ass.
Seeing one of them out-push-up the other isn't going to change that. Though it would be fun to watch, and to imagine other mighty Feats of Youth and Strength in which they could indulge.
You know, like:
* Greco-Roman wrestling
Preferably in tights. OK, so no.
* Downhill skiing
Last one to fall and break a hip wins.
* One-on-one basketball
Make-it, take-it. Call your own fouls. Advantage Trump, who of course would never admit he committed a foul.
* The 100-yard dash
On second thought, no. Would take too long.
* Boxing
Advantage Biden. Trump docked numerous points for low blows.
Yeesh. Where, oh, where, is Lloyd Bridges when you need him?
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