Cooked books

Say this much for the mucketies who run the United States Soccer Federation: They never met a losing hand upon which they couldn't double down.

It's not just their ongoing lack of appreciation for the national side that butters their bread, i.e., the United States Women's National Team. The women comprise the best women's soccer team in the world, and as such are indisputably the face of soccer in the U.S. All they request is they be paid like it.

The USSF, however, remains remarkably consistent about this. Which is to say, it remains remarkably ungrateful for its prize entity -- one that, among other things, diverts attention from a U.S. men's side whose dial-tone mediocrity is remarkably consistent itself.

And so the latest response from the USSF, ahead of the USWNT lawsuit accusing it of gender discrimination: A letter and "fact" sheet from USSF president Carlos Cordeiro that claims to show the women are already paid more than the men. What's most significant about it is not the misdirection and false equivalency it puts forward, but its utter tone deafness.

Or perhaps the USSF thinks that, on the heels of the USWNT covering itself with glory at the World Cup, this is the absolute best time to tell to the ladies shut up and quit whining.

(Also, "Get back there behind the men where you belong," presumably.)

Cluelessness this profound does not come down the pike every day, even in an America whose leaders daily establish fresh benchmarks for cluelessness. But it's compounded by the squirrely numbers the USSF uses to makes its squirrely case, which takes disingenuousness to new heights.

For example: The lawsuit being pushed by the USWNT says its game checks are smaller than the game checks for members of the USMNT, on a dollar-to-dollar basis. But the USSF's "fact" sheet throws up all sorts of smoke and mirrors to obscure that. It factors the women's club salaries in the National Women's Soccer League into the equation, on the premise that the USSF contributes to the NWSL. By that reckoning, the women make more in guaranteed money.

Of course, the USSF doesn't factor in what USMNT players make playing for various clubs Europe, an option that's not really available to the women. This, shall we say, skews the numbers.

Not that the USSF cares. It may be long past time for Cordeiro and the boys to stop digging, but clearly they haven't gotten the message yet.

No, sir. You'll get that shovel, presumably, when you pry their cold, dead hands from it.