Today in doping

And now the latest from the sleazy underworld of the performically-enhanced, where cartoon muscles and chemical heroics stubbornly survive despite all attempts to eradicate them.

PEDs?

Why, they're still aces high with some folks!

This just in from the World Bridge Federation, via Deadspin: It seems Geir Helgemo, the LeBron James of international bridge, has been dealing from the bottom of the deck. The WBF has suspended him after ... wait for it ... testing positive for two banned substances, including synthetic testosterone.

And you thought he got that good at shuffling through hard work and a healthy plant-based diet.

Yes, that's right, Blobophiles: Now there are even drug cheats in cards. Can 'roided-up Monopoly players be far behind?

PISACATAWAY, N.J. -- Reigning world Monopoly champion Carter Nordstrom II was disqualified today when he tested positive for two different steroids, plus "a hell of a lot of Diet Pepsi."

Dangerously high levels of testosterone were discovered in his system, officials said.

"Plus, man, Carter showed up looking like The Rock," a fellow competitor, Wallace J. Peabody III, said. "Last time we saw him he was 5-9 and a buck twenty. Suddenly he's 6-3 and 250? And he's all buffed up? Somethin' fishy there, man."

Peabody went on to say that Nordstrom also drew suspicion for "pounding on the table so hard all my hotels on St. James Place kept falling on the floor," screaming "(Bleep) jail! NO BLEEPING JAIL CAN HOLD ME!!" and grabbing fellow competitors by the throat and snarling "PAY UP, M***********!" every time someone landed on one his properties.

Or, you know, something like that.

In any case, many of you right now are no doubt asking, "Mr. Blob, why would you need to take synthetic testosterone to be good at cards? And why would the WBF care if its competitors were taking something to boost their man abilities?"

Hell if I know. Maybe there's a hidden element of high-stakes bridge we haven't yet discovered that requires enhanced man abilities.

Maybe, buried deep in the bridge rulebook, there's a clause that reads "In case of ties, games will be decided by arm wrestling." Maybe no-trump bids require a lot more aggression (and perhaps the occasional headlock) than the general public suspects.

In any case, the WBF does have anti-doping rules, for whatever earthly reason. This conjures up the image of card players peeing in cups at the conclusion of every tournament while muttering, "I KNEW I shouldn't have shuffled so fast the cards caught fire."

It also conjures up a possible future news item, when an exciting new player announces he's joining the WBF.

"Deal me in!" Lance Armstrong says.