Longtime Blob enthusiasts (i.e., mythical creatures not unlike the unicorn) know this is not where you come to find out who the Colts are going to pick in the third round of the NFL Draft. Sorry, folks, but no. Can't help you there.
I can, however, give you the latest lowdown on Mel Kiper Jr.'s indestructible Helmet O' Hair.
Also how far a player will rise or fall because of the fabled Tight Skin Factor. Also how absurd it is that the NFL Draft became a thing, anyway.
(I put it down to the overwhelming presence of the NFL itself in our national culture. Everything, it seems, is at least tangentially about the NFL now. It's why the annual release of the league schedule has become breathless breaking news. It's why, last year, they opened the Draft by playing the national anthem, as if it were an actual sporting event and not just the mundane mechanism by which the NFL distributes its latest collection of prime rib).
Anyway ... let me first say, as a public service, that the Browns and the 49ers could lead off the draft by picking two defensive ends (Myles Garrett of Texas A&M and Solomon Thomas of Stanford). Leonard Fournette could be the first running back taken, and Mitch Trubisky the first quarterback taken. And the Colts, who desperately need an edge rusher, could take some guy from UCLA named Takkarist McKinley with the 15th pick.
Or, you know, not. I honestly don't know. Neither, it should be noted, does anyone else, no matter what they tell you.
What I do know is I probably won't be watching.
The excellent reason for this is I don't care, and I find the draft excruciatingly boring and useless TV. If you spend more than a few minutes watching, my condolences on your lack of a meaningful life. You could be doing something worthwhile, like watching old "Seinfeld" reruns.
Seriously, people. This not appointment TV, even if the NFL implies that it is by putting it in prime time. To start with, anyone who wants to keep up with the draft can check in on it periodically via any number of social media platforms. So what, exactly, is there to watch?
Mel and Todd McShay babbling on? The pleasing spectacle of Roger Goodell shaking hands with guys way bigger than he is? Some first-round pick's eye-watering duds?
(Actually, that might be it. I mean, who doesn't live for the moment when you can point at the TV screen and exclaim "What the HELL is he wearing?")
I suppose if you're a huge football nerd or a hopeless fan of a certain team, you might be glued to the TV. But, again, you're not going to see anything you can't get almost as instantaneously on social media.
So the conclusion is pretty obvious.
You're watching because it's another excuse to drink beer and eat pizza.
Works for me.