Thursday, June 23, 2016

Your thrilling soccer moment for today

Which, I know, is a bit of an oxymoron. Especially when the USMNT is playing.

(Really, a 4-0 loss to Argentina? And, yeah, OK, I know Argentina has this guy and we don't, but ... 4-0? This is like 56-0 on the Adjusted NFL Scale. And what's with failing to record a single shot? Really, not one? You have be trying not to score to do that, don't you?)

Where was I again?

Oh, yeah. Your thrilling soccer moment for today.

It comes not from Copa America (Translation: "America can't cope"), but from Euro2016, where the most significant thing that happened yesterday was Iceland (aka "Tiny Iceland") beating Austria 2-1 to reach the knockout round in its first-ever major international tournament.  Seriously, Tiny Iceland! Who knew they even played soccer there?  Isn't the national sport reindeer polo?

This is like, I don't know, Tahiti beating LeBron James and the Cavaliers in the NBA Finals or something. Reykjavik, the capital of Tiny Iceland, hasn't seen anything this exciting since Bobby Fischer decided he didn't like the shape of the table and walked away from Boris Spassky. And the players who scored the historic goals for Tiny Iceland?

One was named Jon Dadi Bodvarsson. The other was named Arnor Traustason. You can't get more Iceland-y than that, amiright?

At any rate, it's on to the knockout round, where Tiny Iceland gets England next. Ordinarily,this would no doubt inspire the usual drunken English soccer goons to spew the usual vile racist/xenophobic insults. But these aren't the French or the Germans or the Russians. It's Iceland. Iceland.

You can already smell the bewilderment, can't you?.

Drunken English Soccer Goon: GO BACK TO ... wait, who are we playing again?

Second Drunken English Soccer Goon: Uhh ... Iceland, I think?

Soccer Goon One: Iceland? What the (bleep), is that really a country?

Soccer Goon Two: Uhhh ... yeah, I think so. It's way up north somewhere. Lots of polar bears and icebergs and crap like that. I think there's a city. Wreckyourjack, Rakeyourcheck, something like that.

(Long silence as Soccer Goon One tries to think of an appropriate vile racist/xenophobic insult).

Soccer Goon One: Ah, screw it. Let's go pick a fight with the Italians.

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