Tuesday, December 22, 2015

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 15

And now this week's installment of The NFL In So Many Words, the Blob feature Steve Harvey  identified as "the Green Bay Packers" before correcting himself and saying "Sorry, I meant 'the Dallas Cowboys.' Wait, did I say 'the Dallas Cowboys'? I meant 'the Oakland Raiders.' No, that isn't right ...":

1. It's Tuesday morning and Carolina defensive back Josh Norman just rang Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.'s doorbell and ran away snickering.

2. It's Tuesday morning and an enraged Beckham just came running out of his house and chased Norman down the street, shouting "You damn kids, you better hope I don't catch you! I'll give you a helmet-to-helmet hit you won't forget!"

3. Hey, look, Matt Hasselbeck is here.

4. And here ... and here ... and, oh, look over here, it's part of his clavicle ...

5. See? The Bengals are just fine with AJ McCarron.

6. See? The Broncos are just fine with Brock Osw--

7. Oops.

8. Meanwhile, the New England Patriots.

9. Have just picked up Bronko Nagurski, Red Grange and Crazylegs Hirsch from a special super-secret waiver wire that features a time portal invented by a certain Doc Brown. Bill Belichick hired him off the books months ago when it became apparent conventional means were not going to keep the Patriots functioning. Every other team in the league immediately petitioned for access to the technology, to which Belichick replied, "Tough noogies. It's mine, and you're not getting it. Wait'll I roll out Don Hutson, Walter Payton and the entire '85 Bears defense for the playoffs, bitches."

10. In other news, Grange and Hirsch suffered hamstring injuries upon arrival in 2015 and have been declared day-to-day for Sunday's game. Belichick immediately moved to pick up Jim Brown from the 1960 Cleveland Browns.

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