And now this week's installment of The NFL In So Many Words, the Blob feature critics have hailed as "a delightful holiday treat" and "a glittering Christmas ball of Christmas joy that will fill your Christmas heart with glad Christmas tidings, especially when you compare it to all those cheesy Ion network Christmas movies":
1. Eagles win! Eagles win!
2. In other news, Tom Brady says "Hey, no fair! I ain't got no guys left to throw to!"
3. Bengals win! Bengals win!
4. In other news, Bengals Nation says "Ah, geez. They're 10-2. This is gonna be the biggest letdown ever."
5. Hey, look, it's the 49ers!
6. Thought Trump banned them from America weeks ago.
7. Meanwhile, the Chiefs.
8. Also the Panthers.
9. Also the Seahawks, who apparently have not been banned from America, either.
And last but not least ...
10. Introducing Charlie Whitehurst! You're gonna love him, Indianapolis!