Thursday, March 12, 2015

What Chip Kelly is thinking. Or not.

We've got it all wrong about Eagles coach Chip Kelly. The man's not just an entry-level genius, he's a corner-office, CEO-with-a-benefits-package-that-could-choke-Secretariat genius.

Sure, you might think he'd lost his mind, sending one of the two or three best backs in football (LeSean McCoy) off to Buffalo only to go after another of the two or three best backs in football (DeMarco Murray, who's headed to Philly today to talk deal). And you might think that if he had a mind, he'd be outside playing with it, trading a perfectly good quarterback (Nick Foles) for a quarterback who'll arrive in a crate labeled Some Assembly Required (Sam Bradford).

 A QB coming off two straight ACL surgeries, to run a system that values mobility at the position? Yes, please!

And how lucky were the Eagles to get him? As Kelly said, if  he weren't damaged goods, they'd have never had a shot at him.

(Brief pause to let the logic of that sink in. Longer pause. Really, really, long pause, like, say, a pause lasting the entire expanse of the Tudor reign).

So, anyway. Kelly -- who also dumped Desean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin but kept the barely functional Riley Cooper at wide receiver -- seems to be missing a few sandwiches from his picnic basket. But that's just because he's operating on a mental plane far, far beyond the ability of mere mortals to comprehend.

Trust me. We'll all be dining on crow next season when the Eagles go 19-0, Sam Bradford throws for 5,000 yards and 72 touchdowns and Riley Cooper becomes the greatest wide receiver in football. We'll rave about what a visionary Kelly was. We'll skulk around and mutter about how wrong we were.  We'll finally divine his master plan, which was to make everyone think he was crazier than that uncle you keep stashed in the attic, therby luring opposing coaches into complacency.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin: So, guys, what do we do against Kelly this week?

Giants staff: Increase his medication?

(General laughter).


Seahawks coach Pete Carroll: Guys, this it. We beat the Eagles this week, we're in the Super Bowl again. Let's not look past them. Chip Kelly's a genius and I'm sure he'll have a brilliant scheme prepared for u--

(Interrupted by general laughter, howling, slapping of knees. Richard Sherman laughs so hard he swallows his tongue and has to be revived by Russell Wilson).


Colts coach Chuck Pagano (in regular mid-week presser): This is a dangerous team we're facing. Sam Bradford's a great quarterback. He's a lot like Andrew would be if Andrew broke something every time someone looked at him funny. Any questions?

Assembled media (in unison): Huh?

I'm tellin' ya. He's got us right where he wants us.


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