Land(s) of Lincoln, and others

 Today is Abraham Lincoln's birthday, so social media is bristling with Abe Lincoln memes, including one where Abe is wearing a paper bag over his head like, I don't know, a New York Giants fan or something. Presumably this is because he can't stand to look at what the Felon in Chief and his gang of drunks, cyberpunks and constitutional vandals are doing to the country.

This is cute, but as a history nerd I have to say it's not entirely accurate. During the Civil War, after all, Abe did his share of constitutional vandalizing, too, suspending habeas corpus and jailing political opponents and the like. He was kind of a tyrant-in-chief himself.

Of course, Abe had little choice in the matter then, because America had a war going on -- and not just a war, but a war against itself. The Felon, on the other hand, is doing what he's doing just because his buddies in the Totalitarian Club are doing them. A legendary narcissist like him, you have to think, simply couldn't imagine being left out while Vladdy Putin and Vik Orban and the rest of the Felon's jackboot pals bellied up to the club bar.

For one thing, they might be making fun of him behind his back. And you know how much the Felon hates being laughed at.

But enough of that. Back to Abe.

Thinking about his birthday got me thinking about places and the names we give them, and what an eye-of-the-beholder thing that is. Sometimes absurdly so.

Three contiguous states, remember, claim Lincoln as their own. He was born in Kentucky. He was raised in Indiana. And Illinois calls itself the Land of Lincoln because that's where he eventually settled.

As a native Hoosier, of course, I consider the latter to be presumptuous in the extreme. Land of Lincoln, my left clavicle. Abe's a Hoosier, and that's all there is to it. Those Illini-come-latelies from next door can sit on it and rotate.

This brings us back to the Felon, who has already decided the Gulf of Mexico is the Gulf of America no matter what anyone else says. Now, he has no more authority than you or I to do that -- if he can call it the Gulf of America, I can call it the Gulf of Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing -- but, dammit, he's gonna do it anyway. So there.

As night follows day, naturally, the Felon's congressional bootlicks have caught that spirit, too. One Republican lint brain from Georgia (what is it about Georgia?) proposed the other day that the Congress authorize the Felon to buy Greenland and rename it Red, White and Blue Land.

I actually had to look that one up to make sure it wasn't a satirical bit. It's not.

At any rate, in response to this (and the Felon's threat to strong-arm Denmark into turning over Greenland to the U.S.), the Danes are doing some next-level trolling. Thousands of them, apparently, have signed a tongue-in-cheek petition for Denmark to buy California from the U.S. In return, the Danes promise California "rule of law, universal health care, fact-based politics and a lifetime supply of Danish pastries."

Which I suppose would make California, I don't know, the Land of Brigitte Nielsen or something. 

It would also do something else, come to think of it.

With the Rams, Chargers and 49ers all located in California, it would finally allow Roger Goodell to fulfill his dream of having not just one European NFL franchise, but three.

Win-win!