A history lesson

Some days I can't keep my inner history nerd in his box. Either I need a stronger box, or I need to just let it go when stupid people say stupid stuff that fairly begs to be exposed to the light.

Which brings us to this morning, sock-puppet Indiana Sen. Jim "Jimbo" "Whatever President Trump Says" Banks, and American military disasters.

And, yeah, I can already hear you whining, Blobophiles.

"Aw, gee, Mr. Blob," you're saying. "History again? Boring names and dates and crap like that? Why can't you write about car racing or hockey or Purdue dropping three key Big Ten games in a row, or how Los Angeles Dodgers Inc. is now the majority owner of Major League Baseball?"

Later for that, Blobophiles. Today ... well, here's a hall pass. Go to the library and watch old boxing movies like we boys used to in school when they were teaching the girls about where babies come from.

Today, the inner history nerd gets some run. 

He gets some run because Sen. Jim-Jimbo got on Elon Musk's propaganda feed the other day and tweeted some celebratory stuff about our wonderful new Secretary of Defense investigating the messy U.S. pullout from Afghanistan. This happened during Joe Biden's time in the White House, which of course is the only reason Pete Hegseth 'n' them want to investigate it. 

Jim-Jimbo figured it was high time someone did. And that's because, in his words, the Afghan pullout was one of the "worst military disasters in American history."

To which my inner history nerd responded: "Whaaaaat??"

Inner history nerd, see, knows from military disasters, and the Afghan pullout, while as tragically chaotic as these types of operations invariably are, simply doesn't pass muster. And, yeah, I get it, it's like a D.C. rule that Sen. Jim-Jimbo and his ilk are required to grossly exaggerate anything bad that happens on the opposition party's watch. Which of course is why you won't hear a peep from them about the role their own president's sellout deal with the Taliban played in the pullout's chaos.

I get all that. And I know I should just dismiss it as the usual nonsense. However ...

Well. Let me tell you about some of the actual worst military disasters in American history.

For instance, has Sen. Jim-Jimbo ever heard of Chancellorsville?

That happened in Virginia in May 1863, when swagger-y old Joe Hooker got his clock cleaned by Robert E. Lee despite the fact Lee's army was half the size of Hooker's. Hooker even stole a march on Lee, crossing the Rapidan and putting his immense army squarely in Lee's rear. So what happened?

Lee about-faced, sent Stonewall Jackson on a flank march directly under Hooker's nose, and blew the Federals' right flank to matchsticks. Two days later Hooker meekly retreated back across the Rapidan despite the fact a good chunk of his army was never even engaged.

Cost: 17,287 U.S. casualties, including 1,606 dead. Afghan pullout cost: 13 American dead.

Or how about the Battle of the Little Bighorn, when George Armstrong Custer left more than half his 700-man force behind (in two different places!) and went gallivanting after a huge Native American compound with the rest? 

He and his five companies, as we all know, were wiped out to the man. Cost: 268 dead.

Ever hear of the naval Battle of Savo Island during the Guadalcanal campaign of 1942? The U.S. lost three heavy cruisers, with two more heavy cruisers and a destroyer damaged; only three Japanese cruisers were damaged and none were lost.

It was -- along, obviously, with Pearl Harbor less than a year before -- one of the worst naval defeats in U.S. history. Cost: 1,077 dead bluejackets.

And last but not least ...

What do you suppose Sen. Jim-Jimbo knows about St. Clair's Defeat, which happened a mere 78 miles southeast of Jim-Jimbo's hometown of Columbia City?

This happened in and around present-day Fort Recovery, Ohio, in 1791, when a U.S. army force under the command of Arthur St. Clair was surprised and overwhelmed by a combined Miami/Shawnee/Delaware/Potawotami alliance. In almost less time than it takes to tell, the Native contingent wiped out all but 24 of St. Clair's 1,000-man force, with 656 soldiers and civilians either killed or captured. Native losses were just 21 killed and 40 wounded.

It was at once the worst defeat ever inflicted on U.S. forces by Native Americans, and one of the worst in U.S. military history.

I could go on, but I can see your eyelids drooping. So, class dismissed.

But at least my inner history nerd feels better now.