Yeti? Nyeti

The Utah Yetis.

How cool would that have been, no pun intended?

A hockey team named for a mythical snow creature in a state where it snows a lot sounded like a hand-in-glove fit for the Utah Hockey Club of the NHL, but, nah. The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office put the kibosh on it the other day, rejecting "Utah Yetis" because there likely would be "confusion" for consumers with other companies and brands that use the name.

"'Confusion'?" you're saying now. "The hell does that mean, Mr. Blob?"

Hey, don't ask me. I'm just your friendly neighborhood conduit for information. Interpreting that information is above my pay grade.

This is especially true when I have no earthly idea what the USPTO is talking about.

First of all, as a consumer, I'm at a loss to name what other "companies and brands" are identified as "Yeti." So I computer-searched it -- thereby violating the Blob's Prime Directive, which states "No research allowed unless absolutely necessary, and then only the bare minimum."

What I found was an outfit out of Texas called YETI Holdings Inc., which specializes in "outdoor recreation products" such as coolers, drinkware and the like. They've been around for 19 years, and apparently are really big with folks who like to hunt and fish and tromp around in the wilderness and stuff.

"But what does that have to do with a hockey team, Mr. Blob?" you're asking now.

Beats me. How consumers would get an NHL team confused with coolers and drinkware is a mystery in this precinct, too. Seems pretty easy to distinguish one from the other, but what do I know?

I'm still trying to figure out how the Detroit Red Wings are allowed to be called the Red Wings when consumers might confuse them with Red Wing shoes. Or how New York gets away with calling its team the Rangers and not have people say "Hey, look, a hockey team named for Ranger Boats!"

Sounds stupid when you put it like that, of course. But stupider than thinking people will confuse the Utah Yetis with coolers?

I think not.

I think the USPTO is doing us a huge disservice here, if only because the marketing possibilities would have been endless. And how about mascots?

You could dress someone in a white furry suit with big googly eyes and call him "Freddy." Freddy the Yeti, popping up out of nowhere (like a real yeti!) behind the opposing team's bench or up in Section 606 or driving the Zamboni, or suddenly showing up in the penalty box.

Unfortunately, that's never gonna happen now. Too bad. Guess the Utah Hockey Club should have suggested a different name -- like, say, the Utah Blizzard.

Ah, crap. Dairy Queen's on the line.