Monday mysteries

 Another cold Monday morning here in this part of the world, and the Blob is pondering the Big Questions again, like why we can't have January right before Christmas instead of right after. At least then we'd have something to look forward to.

Also, looking at all that lovely crisp snow out there, would it be weird if I hauled the sled out of the garage and took my almost-septuagenarian ass on a short flight down the nearest hill? Or would someone swaddled in a parka, mittens and big ol' boots emerge from the nearest house to tell me to knock it off and act my damn age?

These things I wonder.

And, of course, these things:

* So I see Roger Goodell is planning on sending the Jaguars, the Browns and the Jets to play in London next season, and I think, geez, Rog, let the poor Brits up easy. We already got 'em back for Banastre Tarleton, and also the Intolerable Acts. Wasn't making Cornwallis surrender at Yorktown enough?

This is not to say England doesn't forever have it coming, because of course it does. Trying to starve the Irish to death during the Great Famine, and subjecting half the world to mushy peas and warm beer, surely can never be repaid in full.

But, really, now. The Jags, Browns and Jets?

This is punishment beyond the pale, and not terribly astute of Roger the Hammer, either. If you're trying to shove your product down the world's throat, it at least ought to taste good. Which means you don't send three of the worst teams in the league to London as your goodwill ambassadors. 

Combined this season, after all, the Jags, Browns and Jets went 12-39. The Jets were the stars of that collective show, stampeding through a mighty 5-12 campaign. The Browns (3-14) and Jags (4-13) were somewhat less impressive.

This is who the NFL is using to pry British eyes away from Liverpool, Arsenal and the rest of Premier League footie? What's the marketing pitch?

"The NFL: Not All Our Teams Suck This Bad." That'd be my guess.

Speaking of the Premier League, I just looked at the standings. The Liverpudlians and Gunners are at the top. At the very bottom, and in line for relegation, are Wolverhampton, Ipswich, Leicester and Southampton, which is is an appalling 1-16-3.

I think the Premier League should send the latter on a U.S. tour. It would only be fair.

* Saw the other day the NHL has selected the Florida Panthers to host the 2026 Winter Classic, and also the Tampa Bay Lightning to host a Stadium Series outdoor game. And right off I thought, "Ah, another Gary Bettman triumph."

Bad enough that the ill-considered Stadium Series has muffled the sense of occasion the Winter Classic once gave us, on account of it was the only time in a season the NHL played an outdoor game. But the initial success of the Classic made Bettman and the boardroom gang greedy, and they decided if one outdoor game was such a hit, a half-dozen or so others would be an even bigger hit.

Um, no. All it did was dilute the product.

And now they'll play the Classic in south Florida, which is not so much dilution as parody.

The entire thrust of the Classic, after all, was to take the game back to its Canadian roots, when kids learned the game skating on frozen ponds in an icebox Canadian winter. You put on gloves, you tugged a toque over your ears to keep the frostbite away, and off you went.

You lose something in translation when you do it in a place people go to escape all that. 

It's apt to be 75 or so in Miami the day of its Winter Classic, which means the audience will be decked out not in toques but shorts, Hawaiian shirts and Ray-Bans. And instead of shoveling snow off the ice to make it playable, the organizers will have to crank up the refrigeration to make sure it doesn't melt.

This is not what the Winter Classic was supposed to be, on account of it was supposed to include actual winter. Even all those Canadian snowbirds might struggle to get into the spirit, having memories of the aforementioned.

Ah, well. Maybe the NHL can make a buck or two off that sunscreen sponsorship.

* I've been keeping track of the Chicago Bears' ongoing search for another sucker, er, head coach, and I have to say it's harder than it ought to be. Sure, they've interviewed some guys I've heard of, like Ron Rivera, Pete Carroll and Mike Vrabel.  But they've also brought in some milk-carton types, too.

Most of these are current assistant coaches, which dismays because you'd think the Bears would have learned their lesson after hiring the two Matts, Nagel and Eberflus. But, nah. Let's bring in Drew Petzing, whoever that is (Hint: Not Drew Brees). Also Mike Kafka, aka Not That Kafka. Also Anthony Weaver.

Of course, they've also interviewed both Detroit Lions coordinators, Ben Johnson and Aaron Glenn. The two of them have done wonders in Detroit, but that's in Detroit, where the Lions have a front office and ownership that knows what it's doing. In Chicago, not so much.

As for Vrabel, the hottest available name, interviewing him was a huge waste of time. Anyone with an eyedropper of sense knew he was going to wind up back in New England, where he helped win Super Bowls as a player for Bill Belichick. And sure enough, the news broke over the weekend that the Patriots have welcomed back to the fold.

Rivera might work, if you're looking on the bright side. And Pete Carroll's a quarterback whisperer from way back, which would be ideal for Caleb Williams. But at 73, how long could the Bears reasonably expect him to stick around?

Besides, they're the Bears. Which means you know exactly what's going to happen.

They're gonna bring back Abe Gibron.

Yeah, he's dead. But there were moments this season when you wondered the same about Eberflus, so there you go.