Name games

 Been thinking a bit about our 47th president and his Mad Hatter first couple of days, during which he's signed a series of "executive orders" that reminded me of the Marx Brothers -- which tells you how my mind works, and possibly that of the Felon in Chief.

Remember "Duck Soup", in which Groucho plays a nutcase named Rufus T. Firefly and becomes president of the fictitious country of Freedonia?

I couldn't help thinking the FIC was having a Rufus T. Firefly moment when he decreed the other day that henceforth, just because he said so, the Gulf of Mexico would be known as the Gulf of America. Life imitates art, and all that.

Anyway, this got me to wondering how I, a personage with the me-given right to do so, could just start changing stuff because I feel like it.

For instance, I've decided the Oakland A's and Oakland Raiders shall forever be known as the Oakland A's and Oakland Raiders, no matter how often they move, and to where.

In the same vein, I've also decided to restore the Duluth Eskimos, the Pottsville Maroons and the Canton Bulldogs to the NFL. I mean, if Roger Goodell can decide he wants NFL teams in London, Berlin or (who knows) Madagascar in the near future, I figure all bets are off.

I also decree baseball's National League be renamed the "Los Angeles Dodgers." They own everything else, so why not?

What about the states, you say? Oh, I've got some changes in mind there, too.

Minnesota shall now be called Damn-It's-Cold-Esota, and North and South Dakota will now be known just as "Dakota", because, hell, they're the same place anyway. Ditto North and South Carolina, which together will be rechristened "Sweat-alina."

Texas? That's easy. Texas will now officially be North Mexico, and returned to its rightful owners. 

Mississippi will be declared a failed state and attached to Arkansas, which will say "Why us? Why not Tennessee?  Is it because the Razorbacks upset the Vols this season? It is, isn't it?"

Boston will be renamed "For God's Sake, Man, Take The T, Nobody Wants To Drive In Boston." Chicago will be re-christened The First City, as in, "The First City You Think Of When You Think Of Lousy Sports Teams." Also, "Ward Of The State Of Wisconsin, Especially Green Bay."

Geography? Hey, I've got that covered, too.

The Ohio River, for instance, will now be the Indiana River, because if Ohio can stick its name on a river that flows through several other states, by god so can we. "Rocky" simply doesn't sound right without "Bullwinkle", so the Rocky Mountains will be renamed the Rocky and Bullwinkle Mountains. And Big Sur will henceforth be Big Sir Paul McCartney because I grew up a Beatles fan, so neener-neener-neener.

Of course, the Gulf of Mexico will remain the Gulf of Mexico. No matter what FIC Rufus T. Firefly decides it should be called.

Speaking of Rufus, remember the lyrics to the song with which he introduced himself as the new leader of Freedonia?

The last man nearly ruined this place, he didn't know what to do with it

If you think this country's bad off now, just wait 'til I get through with it. 

Sounds like art imitating life to me.