A market share

 So I'm thinking this morning about the impending Small Market NBA Finals between Indiana and Oklahoma City, and how it'll be the 25th largest TV market in the land (Indianapolis) against the 47th (Oke City), and what the suits at ESPN must be thinking about all of that.

I'm guessing they're thinking hemlock or a bullet. 

I'm guessing, yes, they're contemplating the best way to end it all, because this is surely not going to break any viewership records and thus fill ESPN's already overstuffed coffers with EVEN MORE CASH. Or maybe more people will tune in than the suits think. The product -- two teams that play an immensely appealing brand of basketball -- would suggest as much.

Me, I'm not dwelling on market share. I'm dwelling on a market share -- i.e., sharing what the Blob imagines the conversation must be like at the Worldwide Leader these days ...

(Fade in on a conference room in Bristol, Conn., the headquarters of ESPN. The table is mahogany. The carpet is thicker than U.S. Open rough. Framed photos of Stephen A. Smith and Mike Greenberg sit on a credenza in one corner; a handful of men and women in well-appointed business suits sit in well-appointed chairs around the table.)

Suit No. 1: Well, isn't THIS a fine kettle of fish. The state of Indiana vs. the state of Oklahoma. We coulda had the Lakers vs. the  Celtics or Knicks, but, noooo. Instead we get Yokel City vs. Yahoo Town. Thanks, God.

Suit No. 2: Hey, not so harsh, Elitist Boy. Hayseeds like basketball, too. Heck, Indiana's practically made it a state religion. Those goobers act like they invented the damn game.

Suit No. 3: Yeah, it could be worse. What if Adam Silver had granted Albuquerque a franchise? And what if Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Chet Holmgren and Jalen Williams had landed there? Then we'd have to sell America the 48th largest TV market in the country instead of the 47th.

Suit No. 1: Well, thanks for THAT inspiring thought, Chuckles the Clown. Who invited you to this meeting, anyway? 

Suit No. 3 (a trifle smugly): Same guy who invited you.

Suit No. 1: Hey, I CALLED this meeting. I invited me. Yeesh. Last time I put my email on blast.

Suit No. 2: Boys, boys. Let's get back on track. How are we gonna sell the Flyover Finals to the two coasts? In other words, to the only people who matter to us?

Suit No. 4: I know! We can sell the basketball!

(General laughter around the table)

Suit No. 1 (still laughing): Oh, man. Please don't tell me I invited YOU to this meeting, too.

Suit No. 2: Actually, that's not such a bad idea. I mean, we can't sell the celebs. Who counts as a celeb in Oke City? The Oak Ridge Boys? And America is going to get tired reaally fast of shots of John Mellencamp in the crowd at Indy.

Suit No. 5: Although Caitlin Clark might be there, too ...

(Brief pause as the Suits consider this)

The Suits: True.

Suit No. 1: OK, let's wrap this up. Here's the plan: We sell this the way Fox sells the Daytona 500 as the Great American Race. Welcome to the Great American Finals, America! Celebrate the gooberness! Then we throw in a bunch of stand-alones of the American flag and pickup trucks and those things that pick corn.

Suit No. 2: Combines?

Suit No. 1: Right. Combines. And tractors and sunsets over waving fields of wheat and stoic guys in overalls with faces so craggy they could have been carved from solid rock. S*** like that. And some down-homey music like that tune they play over and over and over again in Ken Burns' Civil War series.

Suit No. 4: Ashokan Farewell?

Suit No. 1: Right. And then we close it out with a clip of two kids shooting at a hoop nailed to a barn, like in "Hoosiers." In fact we could hire the guy who played Jimmy Chitwood to do the voice-over.

(Brief pause as everyone considers this.)

The Suits (in unison): I like it!

(A slight rustle from the credenza in the corner. It's Stephen A. and Greeny, turning their faces to the wall.)