A Christmas wish

 (Letter that recently arrived at the North Pole, postmarked A Ranch In Texas):

Dear Santa,

Consider this my official Christmas wish list, big guy, and it's a pretty simple one. There's really only one thing I want.

I want you to swing me a deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

And before you say "That doesn't sound so simple!", let me tell you I do have some baseball experience. In fact, I pitched for 27 years in the major leagues. Won me some games, too -- like, 324 of 'em. Pitched in 807 games, started 773 of  'em, and (here's a stat for you) finished 222.

That's right, oh jolly fat man. Two-hundred twenty-two CGs, baby -- baseball lingo for "complete games." Who pitches complete games anymore? Man, they're as extinct as pay phones and Battle of the Network Stars.

 Now, I suppose this is where I gotta say I'm 76 years old now. Haven't pitched in the bigs in 30 years. But I still throw a bit, and darned if my arm doesn't still have some juice in it. Gotta be worth a mill a year or so to the Trolley Dodgers.

I mean, have you seen the way they're  throwing dough around these days? Back in my day you had a lot of owners who threw nickels around like manhole covers, but not these guys. Heck, the Dodgers don't even bother with nickels anymore; they light their cigars with C-notes and use thousand-dollar bills for scrap paper. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, Nick, but have you seen what they've done lately?

Landed themselves the best player in baseball right now, Shohei Ohtani, and it only cost them $700  million over 10 years. Seven hundred million. Ten years. Shoot, back in my day, you could buy an entire team for that much -- maybe two if one of 'em was the Rangers back in the early '70s. Man, did they suck.

But you know the most amazing thing about the Ohtani deal?

The Dodgers weren't done.

The other day they signed Japanese pitching star Yoshinobu Yamamato to a 12-year, $325-million deal. Twelve years! For a pitcher who could blow out his ulnar bi-lateral whatchucallit at any time. And who hasn't thrown a pitch in the majors yet!

My point is, if the Dodgers have that much money falling out of their pockets, they could let a little of it fall my way. Hey, I'd be a bargain. I figure at 76 I don't have but five more good years left in this chicken wing. So no 10-year, 12-year pacts for me. And like I said, I'd work cheap. 

So how about it, big guy? You gonna be my Scott Boras, or do I have to throw a heater at your head?

Warmest regards,

Nolan Ryan