Your correspondence for today

Our Only Available President being the trendsetter he is, everyone's having great fun now parodying Fearless Leader's own unwitting parody, i.e. the letter he wrote to Turkey's president (presumably in crayon) begging him to please stop doing what Fearless Leader opened the door for him to do.

Call it "Official Correspondence Written The Way A 12-Year-Old Would Write It." And it has uses that extend far beyond Fearless Leader's own poor power to imagine.

So thanks for that, Mr. President. The Blob was looking for something to do today, aside from wondering why the pinstriped happy orifices from the Bronx don't just die already.

Anyway ... I bet NBA commissioner Adam Silver, to begin with, could benefit from OOAP's novel approach:

To: The Chinese Government
From: Adam Silver, commissioner of the National Basketball Association

Hey, you guys --

Come on, knock it off, will ya? We said we were sorry. A bunch of our guys -- OK, so LeBron, then -- told that creep Daryl Morey to board it up. What more do you want from us?

Look, don't be douchenozzles. Think how much your people will be shouting 'Woo-hoo, the Greek Freak!' if you allow the NBA access to your airwaves and consumers. Text you later!

Your buddy,
Adam.

Or how about the NCAA? Its whole rickety edifice is about to come crashing down thanks to that new California law, the one that enables student-athletes to actually get a cut of all the dough their universities are making off them by using them as billboards for their cushy apparel deals. Surely an OOAP-style appeal would make those pinko-liberal granola eaters see the wisdom of the NCAA's position that making enormous jing off student labor is OK as long as they get free books and stuff:

To: California Gov. Gavin Newsom
From: NCAA President Mark Emmert

Dear Gav --

Can I call you Gav? Is that OK?

Well, anyway, you know that deal you signed the other day? Maybe you don't know it, but it's really frostin' our cookies. Also, I don't think you know what giving our student-athletes legal access to all the cash we make off them will mean for them. They'll be employees, then, with all the rights and privileges pertaining! Surely you see what a disaster that would be, right?

So please, Gav. Don't be a jackwagon. Don't make us declare every student-athlete in Cali ineligible. We do that s*** all the time, ya know. And we'll do it again!

I'll call later.

Don't ghost me, bro,
Mark

And then, of course, there's the NFL, which has so bollixed up its rules no one recognizes an obvious catch when they see one anymore, or that there's a difference between an ICBM-grade helmet-to-helmet missile strike and incidental contact that naturally occurs when large men lunge at one another at the speed of sound. This has all landed unfairly on the game officials, and particularly on the poor Detroit Lions, who've been affected more than anyone by the refs' having to split microscopic hairs on every play. They need some relief, and an OOAP-style letter might be just the ticket:

From: The Detroit Lions
To: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

Yo, Ginger Hammer --

Whazza matter, the dealership screw you on that Ford Focus? Get stuck in traffic on Gratiot?  Red Wings tickets didn't come yet?

Look, I know you guys are struggling big-time with the whole concussion thing. But why is it always us who get hosed by your dopey rules? Stop being a dillwad. You don't want people to think your league's as crooked as that jackass in the White House, right? I mean, people already think that, but why make it worse?

Figure it out. And put the cheesehead away, you look like one of those hilljacks from Green Bay.

Later,
The Lions