No, not Oscar Robertson. We're talkin' Oscars here, that little gold statue that looks like Michael Rennie's robot in "The Day The Earth Stood Still." Because tonight, boys and girls, is Oscar Night.
And so the Blob will put aside childish things (sports) for other childish things (movies), and give you a quick synopsis of the five films up for Best Picture. If you're a sports guy who thinks "Ugh! Movies! What about the Big Ten Tournament?", go do something else for awhile. Also no one in New York cares about the Big Ten Tournament, so why should the Blob?
Anyway ... here's the Blob's snarky summary of the Best Pictures, a totally original idea no one's ever done before:
1. Lady Bird
Teenage girl has issues with her mom, boyfriends, the world in general. A totally original idea no one's ever done before.
2. Dunkirk
Christopher Nolan messes with time. Also, planes, boats, a bunch of guys sitting forlornly on a beach.
3. Darkest Hour
"Hey, I was involved in that Dunkirk thing, too!" -- Winston Churchill
4. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Woody Harrelson kills himself rather than live in a town full of a**holes.
5. Get Out
(Bleeping) racists, anyway.
6. The Post
Hey, look! Journalism!
7. Phantom Thread
Daniel Day-Lewis plays an obsessed dressmaker with detachment issues. Alternate title: There Will Be Cross-Stitching.
8. Call Me By Your Name
A child and an adult fall in love. But it's not creepy at all because, damn, Italy is beautiful.
9. The Shape of Water
The Creature From the Black Lagoon gets the girl.
And there you have it. Tomorrow, the Big Ten Tournament. Promise.
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