Luck-less in Indianapolis

And so, to review ...

When last we left the Indianapolis Colts -- aka, the Worst Team In The Entire History Of Football, according to the Bureau of Social Media Overreaction -- they were A) being shipped back to Indy from L.A.  in Styrofoam packing peanuts; B) still either being coy or honestly having no clue who they were starting at quarterback this week, as of Thursday; and C) sending whoever the unhappy choice will be to his death behind an offensive line that is once again a chalk outline.

Which brings us to today's special feature, What Andrew Luck Is Actually Thinking, in which the Blob employs its underutilized mind-reading powers to transpose what he says with what's really going on in his soon-to-be-endangered brainpan:

CHUCK PAGANO: So, Andrew how's the wing?

WHAT ANDREW LUCK SAYS: It's coming along. I'll be ready to go before you know it, Coach.

WHAT ANDREW LUCK IS ACTUALLY THINKING: Like hell. This is going to be the longest rehab from a supposedly routine surgical procedure in history. I saw that dumpster fire in the Coliseum. You think I want any part of that? Not without a blindfold,  pal.

PAGANO: We've got quite the quandary here. Who do you think we should start against the Cardinals? Tolzien again, or Brissett?

WHAT ANDREW SAYS: Well, Scott didn't have a great outing last week. But you'd be limited with Brissett because he doesn't know the entire system yet. It's a tough call.

WHAT ANDREW IS ACTUALLY THINKING: Are you kidding me? Listen, Scott's a nice guy, but he sucks. I mean, SUUUUU-UCKS. You gotta go with Brissett. If you're lucky all the New England hasn't worn off him yet.

PAGANO: I know we were terrible on Sunday. When you come back, Andrew, I promise we'll be better. I promise the O-line will be better, even if it's kind of not now.

WHAT ANDREW SAYS: Thanks, Coach. I appreciate that. And I have faith in my teammates. We are going to get better.

WHAT ANDREW IS ACTUALLY THINKING: "Kind of not"? What is that? Listen, from what I saw of that O-line Sunday, I might as well make plans to donate another kidney to science like I did a couple years ago. They couldn't block a sunbeam. And the ones who actually might have a shot at it are hurt already. You know how I was thinking you should start Brissett? Forget that. Start Johnny Unitas. At least he's already dead so the O-line can't get him killed.

PAGANO: Well ... take it easy, Andrew. Heal up.

WHAT ANDREW SAYS: Right, Coach.

WHAT ANDREW IS ACTUALLY THINKING: Rrrrr-ight, Coach.