And now the glaringly unanticipated return of the widely ignored Blob feature, The NFL In So Many Words, of which critics have said "Aieee!", and "THIS thing AGAIN??" and (from a recently banished member of the Society of Critics With Taste And Discernment) "Hey, I kinda like it":
1. The Rams are going to the Super Bowl!
2. The Colts are the worst team in the entire history of American football, and that includes your awful high school team that went 0-10, was outscored 457-6 and whose MVP was the kid who passed out towels in the locker room!
3. (The preceding brought to you by the Office of Week One Overreaction, a wholly owned subsidiary of Golly Gee I Want To See CATS again, and also New Coke Is The Best Thing I've Ever Tasted).
4. (That said, the Colts really, really suck).
6. In other news, Alex Smith!
7. Was kidnapped by space aliens and replaced by whatever that was who made Bill Belichick even grumpier than usual!
8. Losers of the week: The Steelers and the Falcons.
9. For only kinda beating the Browns and the Bears.
And last but not least (from, again, the Office of Week One Overreaction) ...
10. Dalvin Cook is the greatest running back in NFL history who's only played one game in the NFL!