Forget the glitter. Forget the glitz. Forget Cam Newton dancing the night away beneath a skyfall of radiant confetti, or Peyton Manning going out in a blaze of glory.
What America wants to know, as the countdown to Super Bowl 50 closes in on 72 hours, is this: Will there be an earthquake during the game?
I mean, it is San Francisco. And it has happened before (See: World Series, 1989).
And so the bad news is, the money's running toward "yes," and hang on, people. Cut to Archie Manning looking alarmed as the earth shudders. Cut to John Elway looking alarmed. Cut to Steph Curry wearing a personalized Carolina Panthers jersey, looking alarmed.
You can put money down on all of the above, which is what makes the Super Bowl the Super Bowl. There are prop bets for everything -- including, yes, whether or not there will be an earthquake (and the money really is running toward "yes.") There are prop bets about how many times Archie Manning and John Elway will appear on camera (over or under 1.5 for Archie; over or under 2.5 for Elway). And, yes, if Steph Curry appears onscreen, there's a prop bet on what he'll be wearing (the personalized Panthers jersey is the leader in the clubhouse).
There are also the usual bets about the length of the National Anthem and the coin toss, and all manner of others. What color shoes will Beyoncé wear at halftime? How many times will the announcers use the word "dab"? How many wings will Buffalo Wild Wings sell?
(The over-under is 12 million. I say under unless I show up).
Will anyone mention Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump? ("No" is the consensus. Although "Please, God, no" is rumored to be gaining ground). Will Left Shark make a halftime appearance? ("Yes," leads the betting; "Oh, HELL, yes" is closing in fast).
There's a prop bet for everyone and everything, in other words. About the only thing for which there isn't one, in fact, is "Will the Blob come up with a few of its own?"
I'd advise you to put your money on "Oh, HELL, yes."
Presenting the Blob's very own prop bets ...
1. How many times will someone say "Well, that ad sucked"?
(Over-under is 5.2).
2. How many times will the Blob get into an argument with his sister about Cam Newton/Peyton Manning/the New Hampshire primary/the color of the sky?
(Over-under is 20.5).
3. How many times will someone say "Come on, Peyton, get up. Please get up"?
(Over-under is 4.7).
4. How often will the Blob say "I believe I'll have some more of that"?
(Over-under is 12).
And last but not least ...
5. How many times will everyone around the Blob say "Enough about Helen Mirren already"?
(Over-under is 12.3).