Friday, February 6, 2015

Home sweet home

You know what you say now, you NFL fan who long ago was shunted aside by the wants and needs of the Shield. You say, who needs it, right?

Who needs to wipe out a month's wages just to park a nautical mile from the stadium, sit a nautical mile from the action and pay eight bucks for a Bud Light? Right here in your own living room, you've got the best view in the house on HD TV. You've got your own private bathroom. You've got a couch and snacks and all the Bud Light you can pour down your neck, and it doesn't even cost eight bucks a six-pack.

Well. The Shield has heard you. And it doesn't like it.

It doesn't like being one-upped by the common ruck, even though it created the situation itself. And so now there's this: The Miami Dolphins are going to horn in on your action.

They're knocking out seats in Sun Life Stadium to create 32 "living rooms." Yes, that's right. The rich elites who already occupy all the good seats in NFL stadiums will have their own recliners, iPads, and HD TVs, either 32-inch or 24-inch.

In other words, your living room will become their living room. The difference being, their living room will cost $75,000 for the standard package, ensuring that Joe Fan in his Aaron Rodgers jersey will never darken its door.

Lord knows why you'd want to spend $75,000 for the same experience you could get for nothing in your own living room, except to flaunt that you've got $75,000 just lying around. Except to be able to say, "I've got $75,000, basically three years' pay for you, schmucko, and I'm gonna spend it on a living room inside the stadium because, you know, a living room inside the stadium is better than any living room you'll ever see."

Don't you hate that?

Don't you hope the recliners won't recline and the reception on the TVs will be snowy and the snacks will amount to a lonely package of month-old bologna?  Don't you then hope Mr. I've Got Money To Just Throw Away will show up at your door, looking all downcast and pathetic, and beg to watch the game in your living room?

Because you know what your response will be.

"Sure. That'll be 75 Gs, please. And the pigs-in-a-blanket are mine, so don't even think about it."


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