Law and odor

 So I’ve been reading all these posts on the Magic Social Media Bullpucky Machine about the 3-year-old soccer prodigy whose parents got the police called on them because they objected to their child being pulled out of the game every time he scored, and …

Sorry. Lemme catch my breath for a second.

Anyway, as I was saying, this 3-year-old, who was playing against kids two years older, was just running rings around his elders, never giving up the ball because no one could take it from him. Then he’d score and the league officials would take him out so the other kids could, you know, touch the ball once in awhile.

I understand this. I also understand why the parents of the 3-year-old were saying he was being penalized for being too good.

But to call the cops in on it?

This is where I side with the cops.

Imagining now how that call went …

“OK, so what’s the problem here.”

“This 3-year-old and his parents are causing a disturbance, officer.”

“In what way?”

“Well, they’re complaining because their kid’s too good and it’s not fair to our kids, so he gets taken out of the game when he scores — which is ALL THE DAMN TIME, by the way — and they’re raising a ruckus about it, even though it’s the right thing to—“

(Parents of 3-year-old interrupt)

“Not fair?? How is it fair for our child to be punished just because he’s kind of a soccer savant? Where’s he supposed to play, the English Premier League? He’s already playing with kids two years older!”

“Yeah, but …” 

“Yeah, but …”

(Officers look at one another. They’re thinking how come Briscoe and Greene never had to deal with stuff like this. They’re thinking how come they can’t get the kind of calls the Adam-12 guys used to get, or — heck — even that Erik Estrada dude on “CHIPS.”)

(Finally one of  them sighs)

“OK, OK. Let’s just calm down and discuss thi—“

“But it’s NOT FAIR!”

“But it’s NOT FAIR!”

(Officer finally loses it. Inner Lenny Briscoe takes the wheel)

“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE IT’S KID SOCCER! NOBODY CARES! THIS AIN’T THE WORLD CUP AND YOUR KID AIN’T LIONEL MESSI!”

(Pause. Looks at parents of  3-year-old)

“Well … maybe YOUR kid is. But that’s beside the point. And that point is, we’re done here.”

(Officers turn and head back to their patrol unit. Both sets of parents cry out loudly.

“Where are you going? Aren’t you going to do something? You’re supposed to protect and to serve!”

(First officer starts to reach for his nightstick. Second officer restrains him.)

“Easy, Barney. Remember what happened at that tee-ball brawl we had to break up …”

(Barney sighs)

“OK. But this sure ain’t ‘Law and Order.’ More like ‘Law and ODOR.”

(Second officer chuckles)

“You got THAT, right, brother.”