Been thinking a bit about that cartoon of a presidential debate the other night -- it was either another sequel to "Grumpy Old Men", or, as a Facebook friend suggested, Floyd the Barber vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper -- and I've decided what it needed were some surprise guest appearances.
Remember when the grumpy old men started arguing about who had the better golf game?
(No, really. They did. You think I can make this s*** up?)
Well. I think it would have added some fun to the proceedings -- or at least made us forget that this is our choice in November -- if Scottie Scheffler had suddenly walked onstage with a broomstick in his hands, looked at the grumpy old men and said "You know what? I can outdrive either one of you with THIS."
How great would that have been?
If nothing else it would have emphatically, and hilariously, ended one of the more ludicrous exchanges ever heard in any presidential debate in memory. And that's acknowledging the debate itself was pretty ludicrous.
Now, personally, I don't think either one of the grumpy old men is capable of swinging a golf club better than Rodney Dangerfield in "Caddyshack". This despite the fact Donald Trump claims to have "won" a string of club championships at clubs he just happens to own, and whose caddies and scorekeepers are therefore compelled to ignore Donny's foot wedges and creative math.
"That's a birdie!" Trump exclaimed, after putting up a snowman on the par-four No. 7.
"Yes, sir," concurred his caddy, erasing the "8" and dutifully changing it to a "3" ...
Anyway.
I think if President Biden is going to spend long stretches trying to remember if he turned off the stove, and I'm-Still-President-I-Don't-Care-What-You-Say Trump is going to spend even longer stretches not answering questions and lying his ass off at a gasp-inducing clip, there should be some way to break up the absurdity. And by that I mean, "Bring on EVEN MORE absurdity."
Like Scheffler with the broomstick.
Like having Homey the Clown come onstage during Trump's more egregious forays into bullstuff-ery, smack him on the head and say, "Homey don't play that."
Like having Nurse Ratched from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" come out periodically to announce it's medication time. Biden and Trump would then be required to step away from their podiums and take their pills while soothing music plays softly in the background.
(For extra effect, have Chief come onstage to offer both men a stick of Juicy Fruit.)
Or how about this?
Have Mr. T come out when Trump was blatantly evading the questions from moderators/bumps-on-a-log Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, and bellow, "Answer the question, fool!" And then turn to Tapper and Bash and bellow, "Make him answer the question, fool!"
Stay tuned for more great ideas.
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